Dear Love,


I dreamed about you just now.

I dreamed that both our rooms are connected, and we woke up at the same time. It was 3 A.M. and I went to my door, only to find you standing at my door. I saw you. We were looking at each other, eyes locked to each other’s. I saw your messy bed-head and knowing eyes. At that sight, sorrow pooled in my chest, as if the sorrow itself was threatening to overflow and wholly spit out my soul to the floor around us.

I saw you. You, my everything. You, who turned my Monday morning to Sunday afternoon. You, who, with your sweet smile, convinced the day itself to stay just one more song longer, and who made the night blush galaxies across the sky to see your face better in the dark, where our long walks became something sacred, where sweaty hand-hold meant unspoken promises, and the sunsets were painted for only us to behold and marvel because we, both of us, are something special and invincible.

And you, you stood there, in front of me, in front of my door – our door, with tears threatening to overflow from your eyes to that room of yours, where we shared our first kiss, and looking up at a universe of possibilities. You spoke, with a voice that, despite the tremors and sobs that attacked your body, rang very, very clear:

“… I shouldn’t be here. I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I –“

I nodded, gently brushing my fingers across your cheek, knowing that your heart had wrested control of your voice, that you may dare not speak any longer.

I spoke. My voice was shaking. Tears rolled down my face:

“… Love, being sorry does not fix anything.”

“And no, I don’t think I could stop crying now. Because God knows I can’t when every beautiful thing reminds me of you. I need you to know that I only want you. I want to — No, I.. I want you to be strong. You are beautiful, and I need you to know that if something happened to you, your beauty will not fade.”

“And know that I will always be there with a dry shoulder to cry on and strong arms for hugging you, just like when we first met at that certain airport.”

I looked into your eyes, and I saw them glimmered with what I would call Hope.

“… Know that there’s no goodbye. If any, I would call it just until next time. I would call it as merely a break from roller-coaster rides where the ground spins madly, but we know that we will both inevitably step back on even if we throw up a few times.”

“I might failed to understand why you walked away. And more why are you standing here right now in front of me with those graceful eyes of yours staring at me. But, all I know, is that I love you, and we are not a mistake. And we will never be one.”

“Because we are not shooting star that pass once only to be lost in the void. No. We are just two madly-in-love humans that is currently wishing upon that star. Wishing that time would move faster, so we could eventually hop back on our next journey – to get back on together on one same road.”

“.. And this time, forever.”

As I finished speaking, you covered your face with your both hands, sobbing uncontrollably, and muttered something that I didn’t hear clearly. I blinked, and you were gone. I blinked again, and your room was gone. My room was gone. All gone. I stood in total darkness, slowly calling your name.

“… Love?”

And I woke up. I woke up with tears in my eyes, with my heart aching, and with the lingering feeling of me touching your porcelain skin on my right hand. I sweared and sat on my bed, thinking about you, and how weird and strange the dream was. Now I don’t want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to face my morning. I don’t want to see the sunrise. I don’t even want my breakfast. I don’t want my morning coffee nor tea. All I want is you. You, you, you, you and you.

Because my morning won’t be complete until I drink the sweet sound of your laughter, and until I inhale your sweet, lovely warm embrace.




20-01-2016. [Journal]

20th January, 2016

I was in another world.
Fake world. Filled with fake things.
Fake friends. Fake lovers. Fake people.
Just almost everything but myself.
As I was standing up in the middle of the street, a strange came to me:

“None of us here are real. You, are fake too. You are dreaming. Dreaming is a disease.”

And I looked closely to people around me.
They were all holding their phones.
They were listening to lullabies, desperately trying to sleep away their life.
Another stranger came to me and said:

“You got two choices: to search for evidence that this world is fake so you will finally wake up, or sleep away your life in this world, so you’ll be dreaming to another world. The question is, is this world fake?”

I was frozen for awhile.
I looked around, there was not a single familiar face around me.
I couldn’t find her.
Then I reached my pants’ pocket.
There’s someone else’s phone.
But my name was clearly showed on its screen.
I told to myself,

“This is not my phone. This world isn’t my world.”

And suddenly all the people around me shattered like a glass.
Everything went black for a moment.
And I woke up.

I woke up old, in my late 40s.

A stranger came to the side of my bed.
He checked my pulse.
It seems like I was in a hospital of some kind.

“You’ve been sleeping for 19 years.”

Said the stranger.
I gazed across the room. It was all white.
I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.
I really went old. My hair started to turn grey.
And then the stranger told me again,

“Everyone is waiting for you outside. Even the press.”

Everyone? Press?
Who am I? What have I achieved?
And I walked through a long white corridor, through the door.
I was finally outside.
There were people everywhere.
Camera blitzes were quickly thrown at me by the reporters.
There was an uproar.

I saw two people that I know.
They were.. Two people from my past. Two people that I knew quite well.
I asked them,

“Where is she?”

And they said,

“I’m sorry, she passed away 3 years ago.”

I was utterly crestfallen.
I instantly cried on where I was standing.
But then I remember, this could be a fake world.
I told them,

“Aren’t you guys.. Already gone from this world? Clarissa, you passed away few months ago. And Dave, you passed away 6 years ago; I went to your funeral myself.”

And again, people around me shattered.
It was like pieces of sharp puzzle made from glass hanging around in the air around me.
Once again, everything went black for a moment.

And I woke up.

I woke up on a bus.
Sitting and holding my book and pen.
I saw my unfinished third sonnet scratched on my book.
And I thought to myself,

“What a goddamn weird dream.”

I remembered that this kind of bus can only be found in her city.
I was horrified. Another dream?
And as I looked around, I heard something,

“… If I could fall.. Into the sky. Do you think time.. Would pass me by? ‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles If I could just see you.. Tonight.”

It was her voice.
I instantly stood up and went up to the second deck.
Yes, it was a double-decker bus.
And I saw her, standing near the front windshield.
She was holding a rail and still singing the same song.
I called her,


She looked back with a smile.
A smile that I know so, so well.
I slowly went towards her while asking her,

“Why are you here? How did I get here? Last time I remember I was writing in my room and-“

And, once again, everything around me shattered.
Everything turned into a sharp pieces of glass like before.
Again, everything went black.

And I woke up.


I wasn’t even sure if this world that we have right now is real.
Perhaps I should look for something weird and fake so this world could change.

I remember the last time she sang that song was many, many months ago.
Strangely it was as if she sang that song just yesterday.
She definitely was not singing it for me.
But she sang it anyway.
And it was a lovely song. Our song.

Because even though we are less than a thousand miles apart, but we would do almost anything to see each other everyday. I would literally walk a thousand miles. Even if it takes me more than a year to get to her.

Okay. Now I miss her.
Hearing her singing that song in my dream was really heart-wrenching.
And I wonder;

Did she really sing that song for herself in reality?
Did she remember all the sweet and wonderful things we used to do?



19-12-2015. [Journal]

19th December, 2015

She messaged me in broken English.
It was as if it’s not her, the English was so bloody awful.

“It had it all. it just we not lucky.”

Are all I could remember about the message.
And then she said something about me and her, in long messages I can’t remember.
All I remember is that I was so devastated when I read her messages.

Suddenly I got mentioned by her in Twitter.
She was endorsing a certain stupid beauty product I can’t remember.
And I saw something as her twitter cover photo.

It’s her photo along with that certain guy.
With a caption :

“(Her name) ❤ (Guy's name) longlast"

The caption was longer.
And in the same extremely horrible English as before.
I quickly messaged her, asking if the reason she didn't want me to get close to her was because she's already in another relationship with that certain guy.
She answered that she's not in a relationship with anyone.
I said to her even an idiot wouldn't fall to something as stupidly obvious as that.
She was lying to me again.
She's a terrible, terrible liar in my dream.

And I woke up.


Yeah, it was a short dream.
And I know it really meant nothing.
A stupid one, I would say.
Yes, extremely stupid.
I don't know what to say about this dream.
I even slightly laughed thinking about this dream.
Perhaps I was thinking too much about what she said.

Damn frog.
This is why I hate confusing story that contains a confusing metaphor with confusing meaning.

I need to get some more sleep.
I hope there won’t be a second journal for today.



17-12-2015. [Journal]

17th December, 2015.

I went to a certain mall with my cousin.
We used a thing called “Anywhere Door”.
A door that could connect one place to another instantly.
I told my cousin to hide it somewhere.
And I proceeded to run to a mall next to it.
My friends were there waiting for me.

And so I was walking around a certain mall with 3 of my friends.
2 of them are my friends on Skype.
Suddenly we saw a basketball court inside the mall.
4 of us played a 2 on 2 game.
Moments later we stopped because a group of students from an unknown school booked the place.
4 of us divided into two groups.

Now let’s give them a temporary name.
Me, Hermes, Zeus, and Hephaestus.

We wanted to go somewhere.
Zeus and Hephaestus decided to go by car.
Me and Hermes decided to use the Anywhere Door.
We walked together to the previous mall where I left the Anywhere Door.

Me, Hermes, and Hephaestus walked from inside the mall.
But Zeus got another plan.
There’s a special rail that connects the mall to another mall next to it.
Zeus used the rail. But he didn’t use the special tram.
He walked on the rail.
3 of us were watching him walking on the rail above.
Suddenly, there’s an officer, and he brought a K9 dog with him.
The officer and his dog went ahead of us.

We finally arrived on the next mall.
We saw Zeus.
With K9 dog biting his right hand, hanging on it.
He cringed in pain and looked towards us.

We laughed.
He looked so stupid.
Turned out, it was forbidden to walk on the rail.

Zeus and Hephaestus went to the parking lot.
Hermes and I were walking aimlessly around the mall.
I called my cousin,

“Where did you put that Anywhere Door?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s in the girl’s changing room near the mall’s pool!” She replied.
“…. What?”

And so we walked to the girl’s changing room near the mall’s pool.
When we arrived, we immediately went inside.
The girls were wearing underwear.
But the strange thing is, they didn’t even look at us.
They weren’t embarrassed by us.
We continued to look for the door.
And it was there, around the middle lockers, covered by dresses.
We went into the door.

And we arrived in a strange place.
A house.
The house was dark, humid, and strange.
It was like a scary abandoned house in horror movies.

Suddenly we heard Zeus’ car arrived at the front of the house.
Hermes ran outside.
And I heard a sound came from a bedroom.
I went to the bedroom and stopped in front of the door.

And I woke up.


I actually kind of pissed when I woke up.
I wanted to know what’s inside the room.
For this dream, I haven’t told her about it.
It was kind of funny.
And weird. My dreams are always weird.
Weird, or scary. Just those.

Maybe she will read this post.
I do hope so.



13-12-2015. [Journal]

Starting from this day, I am going to make a journal for my dreams.
I’ll put it in new category.
And i’ll put a tag [Journal] at the end of every title.
Plus a timestamp at the start of every post to indicate the time when I woke up from the dream.
For what reason ?

Uh, Some people said that, the most powerful, life-changing book you’ll ever read is your own dream journal. That, and just because my dreams are usually super weird.

There’s actually nothing weird about writing down dreams. In fact the idea itself is so ancient, that it is said a lot of dreams have been discovered in hieroglyphic form in the Egyptian pyramids.

And so, this post will be the start.


13th December, 2015.

I just got back from a certain place with my friend and his brother.
I was with my sister.
4 of us went into my friend’s car.
And he drove me back to my place.

On the way, we encountered someone who parked their car in the middle of the road.
My friend sounded his car’s horn.
And the owner of that car suddenly came out of his car.
He was an old man, pissed because we sounded the honk.
He shouted something I don’t remember.
Then he spat on the windshield.
As if that’s not enough, he then literally took a piss on the left rear tire.
And then he stood on the right side of the car, angrily rambling about something.

A moment later, someone came.
The person was big and tall, with a messy long hair and scary look.
The scary person talked something to that old man.
He then proceeded to beat the shit out of that old man.
And then he took a wood saw from the side of the road.

And he cut the old man’s right ear.

The old man fainted.
The scary man walked to the side of the car, just next to the driver’s seat, holding a bloody severed ear in his left hand, and a bloody wood saw in his right hand.
He then started to have a conversation with my friend.
I didn’t quite catch on what they were saying, but it seemed awkward.
And then my friend continued driving.

I asked my friend, “What was that?”
“I don’t know, I don’t understand either” He replied.
“But, you saw that right ? How could someone be treated like that ?”
“Karma, I guess? Yeah, that’s karma.”

Suddenly I looked at my phone.
I saw her photos with her friends.
She was wearing a graduation robe.
And there’s a video where she pushed her friends to a pool.
There’s another picture where a girl kissed a guy on a pool.
At first glance it looked like her. She even had the same name as her.
But then I looked again and again.
It was not her.
It was someone fatter, with tanner skin, uglier(ugh) face and longer hair.
I was like,

“Okay? It’s not her? But.. What the fuck?”

Not long after that, I arrived at home.
I saw there’s a food on dining table.
It was.. A cooked pig ears.

And then I woke up.


Yeah, it was weird.
Super weird.
I told her about this dream, and immediately looked for its meaning.
It says that it’s better if I keep my opinions to myself.
She said,

“Don’t think about it too much. It was probably nothing.”

I guess? I don’t know.