15-04-2017.

16:05

We were having a lunch when she started the conversation.

“So my sister woke me up yesterday.”
“She called me around 3:30 AM through WhatsApp call.”
“I rarely met her so I instantly thought that there must be something serious.”
“So, she called me, and I heard her crying and calling my name.”
“She just broke up.”

I sipped my coffee and looked at her.
She did get my attention after that last sentence.

“Of course I’m not going to disclose anything about what she said to me.”
“The story was kind of too long anyway.”
“Long story short, her boyfriend, now her ex, wanted to break up.”
“The reason was somewhat simple yet so complicated.”

“How so?”

“Apparently, the guy and my sister has been quite estranged for quite some time. About more than 3 months or so.”
“Simply put, their communication between that range of time was really bad.”
“They rarely talked, and rarely going out together.”
“The guy was.. You could say, fighting a battle.”
“He got a problem with his family. To be fair, he did communicate with my sister that he had a problem and wanted to take care of his family first before anything.”
“My sister was okay with it, and determined to help him as much as she could.”
“I said their communication was bad was not without reason.”
“Whenever my sister tried to ask him what was going on, he always said nothing.”

I had a hunch that this was something that I myself could relate.
It’s not that I’ve been indifferent with what happened between me and her
It’s just– I chose to bury it deep down somewhere no one could find.
A graveyard with only one old, chipped, nameless gravestone standing on it.
Right now, I could almost hear my own heart beating from beneath the ground.

What does it want? Reminiscing its murder two years ago?

“And like I said, for 3 months it went, with bad communications.”
“One day, that guy called my sister and explained to her what was going on. And, after long conversation / discussion, it ended with him asking for breakup.”
“It was sad, really.”

“That is all?”

I was definitely not satisfied with her story.
The only thing that I was thinking is, if this kind of shit keeps happening in the world, then there must be something very, very wrong with the world.
Or at least with people around me in my country, I don’t goddamn know.

“I can’t believe it. Don’t you think what he did was very cruel to your sister?”
“He left a person that loved him very, very much. Do you think that’s fair?”

“Now that we are talking about fairness, do you think what happened to him was fair? Do you think he wanted to be in that situation? Do you think he deserved that?”
“Neither of them– not my sister, and not that guy– deserved those things.”
“You see that guy and what happened to his family? I don’t really know what happened to him in detail, but I could be sure that he was fighting his own war.”
“What’s sadder, was the fact that he decided to fight alone.”
“Yes, the guy did take his time to fight his war, and yes, he did make a decision to fight that war all by himself, but did he aware of what happened to him and ultimately, people around himself that love him so much?”

I instantly imagined her and shook my head slowly.

“Yes, he clearly did not.”
“Look, from my point of view, the guy wasn’t aware that every single battle that he fought in actually sapped his energy bit by bit.”
“And by the time he was extremely exhausted, he just no longer have energy to continue care about anyone else but himself, he was just exhausted.”

“But that doesn’t mean that he could do that to your sister.”

“Sometimes, when you are just too tired of something, the only thing our body and mind want is just to take a break off everything that happened in this world.”
“I don’t blame that guy. He did what he could, he fought his battles even though it was reckless because he did it alone, but he did fight his battles.”
“I even told my sister that if she really wants to be with her, then all she needs to do is to actually do nothing but listen to what he wants.”
“I told her that she can’t and shouldn’t ask for any kind of affection from that guy, if, she still wants to be with that guy.”
“Because, well, his energy is spent. He’s mentally exhausted.”
“My sister will be trapped into the same condition that made her felt so lonely even though she was perfectly understand that he was in a middle of a problem.”
“I asked her if she really, really wants to be in that condition again.”

Well I did want to.
Come to think of it, it’s like a chain of causality.
That guy didn’t want that problem to came into his life and made him like whatever it was that caused him to ask for a break-up to my co-worker’s sister.
But that event – the cause – had affected that guy so much that he became so exhausted after everything that he went through– this is the effect.
But the effect – his exhaustion – had become the cause that made him wanted to break up with my co-worker’s sister, in which we could call that the effect.
And I don’t know, there might be other effect caused by that last effect.

And I believe the same thing happened to her.

……

Dear Love,

The last time we met, I remember you said something like this after we watched that night show, and while we were laying down beneath the night sky:

“It’s not like I can’t trust you, it’s just…”

I can’t really remember what you said after, I believe it took quite some time for you to muster your words and said that you wanted yourself to be firm with what you have first; be it your career, your job, yourself, whatever they were.
I don’t know if I’m speculating anything towards whatever it was that you were thinking, but, I had a hunch that what happened with you in that relatively short time made you completely unavailable emotionally.
How did I come into that assumption, you ask ?
Well, it’s simple.

Because the very same thing happened to me as well.
I don’t really know if what happened to you – the effect – had become a cause of what made me completely unavailable emotionally, but I guess it was.

But, few days ago, I was posting a certain photo that I took before we left that place where we went to the last night we met 6 months ago.
And there I was, lying on my bed, trying to put in some words to go along with my post and with that photo that I took.
Of course, you could see the result yourself if you’re able to find the photo.
My point is, it made me stopped for full 2 hours before I snapped at myself and wrote some words for that certain post.
What was I thinking? I wasn’t so sure.

All I know, I was thinking of you in the most obscure ways possible.

Love, I know I wrote that post about how true love just doesn’t exist.
And, let me tell you that I still stand with those words that I’ve posted.
It’s excessive, romanticized, and doesn’t resemble the reality at all.
Now, if you ask, does the love that I have for you have actually been romanticized all this time? Was, and is, it excessive? Was, and is, it too much?
Perhaps, I don’t really know for sure.

All I know for sure, is that it has been two years since the first time I said hello to you, after two of us were being estranged the two years before that.

And all I know for sure, as much as I tried to stop it, as much as I’m being emotionally unavailable, and as much as I hate the concept of romanticized true love right now,

This love that I have for you– it lingers.

V.A.C.W.

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