22-12-2016.

04:25

I was reading stuffs related to topic about perspectives of death.
And I though to myself, what state am I in right now ?
Do I fear death?

….

For me, the answer was simple.
I actually do not fear death, well, at least not really.
I mean, the thought of me dying slowly and painfully is still horrifying.
But, as for other things, such as: leaving the ones that I love, or, afraid of not achieving things that I still want to achieve, I could put those things aside.
It’s not that I do not love my family, but, after some cases that happened between me and my family this, I honestly feel like I do not have any attachment to them.
Alright, when the time comes, then it comes; I’m sorry for them, but shit happens.

In fact, I was thinking about how it feels like being immortal.
People would say that it is horrible, that it is so unthinkable, because, you would be cursed to see everyone and everything that you love die, or wither, one by one.
Yet, I beg to differ.
It’s not that I’m wishing it, but given the chance, I would maybe like to have one.

In my condition right now, it’s as if I’m putting my eggs in two baskets.
One is, my thirst for knowledge– my willingness to learn.
I want to learn things, I want to know whatever knowledge it is available in the world, up to the point where I thought it would be nice to have enough time to learn about all the things that I want to learn.
Or even all the things, whether I want to learn them or not.
That might not take forever, but, at least I know that I have the chance to do it.

The second one, would be – I know this sounds so silly – her.
What does she has anything to do with me being immortal?
Plenty, I guess.

I know it sounds silly, but I just can’t shake this feeling.
Just like what I wrote numerous times, I have stopped trying to stop loving her.
Because, what would you do when trying no longer works?
It’s like I’m condemned to love her for eternity.
And, if I really, really, really want to stop loving her, then I would need an eternity, too, which means I need myself to be an immortal for this one.

But, given the case of me want to learn everything, and me loving her, doesn’t that mean I still want to do things in this world and therefore I should fear death? Not to mention that I mentioned the world related to immortality above.
Okay, you might ask me those question, and that might be true.
But, with me feeling no attachment to anyone whatsoever now, other than my work, and my desire to learn, and my love to her, I just couldn’t care less.
Look, I’m not trying to be depressing here, I’m not being suicidal.
I’m just trying to rationalize my inability to fear the so-called death.

Although, honestly, my life would be – and of course it would be – better if I spend my days with the woman that I love – with her – all the goddamn time.

Fuck.

I miss her so bloody much.

……

Dear Love,

Thinking again right now, I don’t think I want immortality– not without you.
“What would it actually be?” I keep asking myself.

Would the days without you be loveless, that it keeps me cloaked in shadows, lurking in my dimmed alleys of contempt, despair, and sorrow?
Where I deeply bury myself beneath my own heart inside my ribs, only powered by hopeless, bitter smiles that never seem to reach your face?

Would the days without you– those endless loops of nighttimes chasing daylights Where the moon mimics the sun– become so meaningless they seem to copy themselves? Has time become a meaningless structure for me?

Is time only a mirage in your desert of absence?

..No, I don’t want that.

I want you, you that breathe life to my whole world– to my words and sentences.
You– what my words consists of, what my paper needs, and what my pens bleed.
You– the only perfection that I know.

I’m sorry, Love, but I’m not sorry.

There’s just too much love in my heart, and it’s all just for you.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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