I have been trying for a while to accurately describe the feeling that I have.
It’s one nagging feeling that is similar to loneliness, and, each time the feeling comes, it always feels like I am missing something important in my life.
Yet, I never come close enough.
You see, Love, the feeling is a tricky one– it is not as expressive as sadness is: it doesn’t gut you, or slice you open just like the way grief does.
This feeling works differently– it does not slap you in the face like anger or jealousy– it takes time penetrating your life.
If I may say, well, it’s like having a friend that you don’t particularly like.
You don’t even know how you and that person became friends, yet, it seems like that person have always been around, and you’re not sure why– you don’t even remember of the moment that person went from stranger to a contact in your phone.
This feeling– this special kind of loneliness, is just like that.
Just like an invader that moved so slowly, you didn’t even notice.
I guess it just sits there, like some bruise that’s close to being healed.
Sometimes you think it’s gone, because, if you stay distracted, plugged in, and never fully present, you might not feel the pain at all.
But a bruise is a bruise, if you touch it, you’ll wince.
You will be reminded that it is actually still there.
Honestly, I don’t even know if that feeling has to do with being alone.
Okay, that might amplify the feeling, but it’s not the root cause.
The feeling shows up when I forget myself; it’s present on the nights I feel like a stranger in my own body and wonder how long I have been on autopilot.
And, on nights like those, I usually ask myself:
“Am I missing her? Have I always been missing her like this?”
When it becomes too much, on the bad nights, I will look for immediate distractions, oh we are so good at that, us, humans, all of us.
We have figured out how to be so distracted all the time, to the point where we will numb ourselves with food, alcohol, games, or even superficial connections.
We will text, call, or even hangout with someone we shouldn’t.
Yet, on those nights, I will still hate admitting how ‘lonely’ I am.
It feels like a failure of sorts– my incapability of doing something.
Because this feeling, unlike sadness or anger, is harder to figure out.
Love, I do not know why I feel this why, nor do I know how to fix it.
But I know that the feeling does not go away if I just ignore it.
It sits, it waits, it stays tucked away for the next bad night, the next night where I put down my work, lower my defenses, and look at my heart in the cage.
And, additionally, whenever I look at it, I always miss you so badly.
Yes, I miss you so badly, but I do not allow myself to embrace it.
Instead, I allow that certain feeling to make a home on my shoulder and continue to whisper words in my ear, making me feel like I’m the last man on Earth.
It’s better– it is way better than letting my heart out and plug it inside my chest, and once again feel everything (or at least I think so).
I think I have just accepted the fact that I am heartless as hell right now.
True, I’ve distanced myself just like what you are doing to me right now.
I keep my heart out and put it in a cage because I do not want to allow myself to feel everything that I want to feel; although I could heart it screaming.
And maybe, maybe that’s where the nagging feeling came from.
So, perhaps it’s just like what I wrote: I pulled out my heart, I barricaded it, I shut people out, and I decided for now it’s better that way.
Even though, from time to time, since years and years ago, the slightest glimpse of your name, your face, or your voice, will invoke a pang of dread inside of me.
It’s not because you’re a monster – not because I’m terrified of you – it’s because I’m afraid of the love that I have for you and the things that I would do for you.
It terrifies me, and it has become one of my greatest fears, and I don’t know when I will be able to overcome it, perhaps not now, not today, not even tomorrow.
Maybe it will go away, maybe someday I will unlock my cage with a smile, and put my heart inside my chest once again, and the nagging feeling would go away.
Maybe I will someday put my heart on my sleeves again just like what I did.
Maybe I will embrace that terrifying fact, and understand that whatever it is that I would do for you, it’s just because of the love that I have or you.
Maybe I will face that stupid fear and finally acknowledge how powerful love is.
Maybe later when I do all of those, this nagging feeling would go away.
Or maybe never.