22-10-2016.

02:22

This will be a quick one: I finally met her.
Now, let me tell you how it feels like to meet someone you so dearly love that you haven’t met in almost 1.5 years, in just one word:

Dreamy.

I currently am having difficulties in explaining how she looked like.
All I know, it felt so dreamy– it felt so fucking surreal.
I was having a difficult time to accept that she was standing in front of me, with that same small body, with those same eyes, and with that same smile of hers.
It was as if time was moving so slowly that it allows me to examine her closely.

Long story short, we had dinner, and we went to some kind of park.
There, we talked about a lot of things; and there, was actually the first time we talked about things between us directly to each other since more than a year ago.
And I, actually talked about my feelings to her.

I asked her if she knows that I’m still in love with her, and she said yes.
Then I asked her if she still doesn’t want to be in a relationship whatsoever.
She said yes to that one, too, saying that she doesn’t want to think about those kind of things when she’s not yet fully ‘stable’ and ‘settled’ about her life.
She once again told me that I should not wait for her and all.
I said that I’m not waiting for her, and she said okay.
But she said I should move on.

“Move On”.

I pondered about those words a lot after what happened to me and her.
What is it exactly? And what does it have anything to do with love?

Let me tell you how cruel it was for me.
I wanted to talk about what happened to me with her; I wanted her to tell me face to face what went wrong; about what exactly happened between me and her.
I wanted closure– I wanted my pain to be acknowledged by her.
To make it worse, I wasn’t able to get any confrontational closure from her.
I wasn’t able to get her into fully acknowledge my hurting.
And what happened was, I fully locked myself in limbo.

Okay, I know it’s natural to lament and all.
But now, I also understand it’s so easy to become morbidly self-indulgent.
And it’s just so easy to stew myself in the predicament.
But, like having the blinkers on my eyes, I exclusively excluded everything else.
I even excluded the fact that other people hurt– that my pain is but one in many.

She hurts, too.

I understand that she might be having a difficult time as well.
Yes, I demanded an answer; yes, I demanded an explanation.
But she wasn’t ready to give one, and didn’t,
I was desperate, and I was obsessed, and that made her withdraw entirely.
Yes, granted, she could have handled it in so many alternative ways than those silent disengagement she gave me, but blaming her is not the fucking point.
And that’s what happened to me: I stopped feeling bad for myself.
I was able to see the effects of my actions on her side and consider her perspective, and also fully empathizing with her difficulties.

Back to reality now.
When I saw her after all this time, strangely, I didn’t feel angry at her anymore.
I saw that she was still that charming individual that I still love so dearly, with same beautiful kindness, and beautiful heart that she have inside her heart.

And you know, without knowing it, I had long forgiven her and myself for what happened to her– I accepted those moments, and I acknowledged them.
I become brave, I become strong in loving her and forgiving.
I remember that everybody hurts.
And right now I know for a fact that I am stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

That, is when I know that I have moved on.

Yet, she kept telling me that I am still waiting for her and haven’t moved on.
While in fact, loving someone and moving on are two different things.
I could say that I’ve forgiven her for her decisions.
I could say that I’ve accepted the things that happened.
I could even say that I respect her decisions for wanting to be stable or even settle down and still want to build up her career and all.

But that does not mean that I cannot love her.

See, I could accept all of those and still loving her so much and all.

I stopped letting anything but love wash over me and take control over me.
Right now, I will let everything happen naturally.
No, I can’t force anything, and I believe she understands that correctly.

……

Dear Love,

What my co-worker said was wrong.
You’re not a shackle with ball and chain tied to my feet.
No.

Your place is not over there, not at all.
I don’t see you as someone that’s holding me back to do things.
Because, well, you aren’t.

I’m walking, and I keep walking with my own pace in doing things.
I still read my books, I still write things.
I’m still working with the same intensity and passion as before.
And ultimately, I still am working myself to be a better man day by day.
You see how I am doing right now– you see how I’ve become.

You’re not a shackle, and not a ball and chain.
And I don’t see you being tied to one of my feet.
Love, know that your place is in my heart.

Where you grow, extending your roots deep inside my soul.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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