12-10-2016.

00:34

I don’t know what happened.
Suddenly, she and I talked a lot– like, a lot.
Well, we don’t exactly talk about things between us.

It’s more like.. We are trying to catch up after what happened to us a year ago.

It all started with a job vacancy.
She’s struggling to find a job that meets her needs.
It’s not like she’s being picky, it’s more like she wants a decent job.
And I could understand her, I mean, I myself was looking for a good job, too.
So, yeah, it all started with her looking for a job– job vacancy.
She asked me to help her, and I immediately said yes.

Okay, look, I’m happy, I really am.
I mean, it’s been months since she and I talked about a lot of things like this.
And back then, I guess she and I was so busy with our own things, we didn’t even get the chance to talk about random things, and not to mention, I was pestering her with things that I want from her.
I guess she was totally pissed.
But right now, I’m happy, at least I get to talk to her daily once again.

I’m honestly okay with her not wanting to hear anything about love.
I could understand her, and I stopped talking about anything related to love to her.
I do love her, and I do want to spend my time with her, but I can’t force anything.
Not while she’s fed up to love like this– while all she could think right now is how hard it is for her to find a job and play a certain game all day long.

But it’s funny.

Sometimes, when I’m talking to her, she would say something about us.
She would intentionally take a very, very small piece of our memory, and present it to me in a very subtle way; well, sometimes it’s not even that subtle:

“Yeah, so tomorrow I’m going to that fish restaurant place.”

“The restaurant that serves.. That big of a fish?”

“Yeah, that one.”
“That particular place.”
“.. Us looking at each other, eh.”

I spaced out for few seconds after that last sentence.
She actually hit my rewind button very hard, back to around 1.5 years ago.
I closed my eyes for a moment, and in that short of a time, I saw everything.

..

She and I were in that very same restaurant that she mentioned.
We were even eating the very same dish that I mentioned to her.
We were talking, eating, you know, usual dinner shits that couples would do.
While we were talking, I would occasionally look around sometimes, and told her about the place and the people that ate over there in that place.
Suddenly, I saw someone at the table to our left (for her it’s right).
Those two people were Chinese and Belgian man, eating almost the same dish.
And, oh, I knew their nationality from their talks.

When I was looking at those two people, I saw something strange.
The strange thing was how the Belgian man holding his chopsticks.
Apparently, he can’t use his chopsticks the right way, and he was using it as a fork, holding it in the left hand, while also holding spoon in his right hand.
I froze for few seconds, looking at the man trying to take a portion of the fish’s meat, and he was struggling because of the way he was using his chopsticks.
I looked back at her, and she was looking at the man, too.
She was making almost the same what-the-fuck face that I was making.

We then looked at each other and laughed.

People would say that it was a simple and very stupid usual moment.
But, in that moment, in that one stupid and simple moment, we felt something.
It was the time where we felt so connected with each other.
We didn’t need words, all we had to do was looking at each other, and, ZAP!
We instantly understood each other, just like that.

In that short moment, we knew that there’s a bond between us.
It was a beautiful moment– oh it really was.
I believe she’d agree with me.

..

I opened my eyes, and saw her chat to me once again.
It has been around 1.5 years, yet that moment is still as clear as a day.
Well, there clearly is nothing wrong with being so nostalgic.
Especially when I was reminiscing it with one person that I love so dearly.
I didn’t know what to say to her, so I proceeded to reply her with:

“.. Yeah, right, I guess so.”

Good thing that she’s not having amnesia and all.
Yet, what I was thinking was, what does she think about it now?
I mean, does she still cherish the moment?
Does she still feel how connected she and I to each other?
Does she still feel the love that we have between us?
The latter’s unlikely, I know, but still.

Okay, I miss her, and I miss her a lot.
I might not show it to anyone, and not even to her, but I do.

And I miss her even more after all those memories went back inside my head.

……

Dear Love,

I’ll keep this short and simple: I miss you.

I miss the way you laugh– God, you have such a beautiful laugh, a laugh that instantly makes me smile, just like the voice that comes out when you start to talk.
I miss the way you always made me laugh; for you’d do nearly anything just to see my face light up– even those crazy, stupid faces of yours that you showed to me.
I miss the way we fit together seamlessly without even trying.

For when I’m getting close to you, when we do things, when we talk about things, I am suddenly awakened, for you constantly, genuinely, steal my breath away.
I’m going to say this again, even though I’ve said it again and again: I love you.
Love, loving you has liberated me of loathing and pettiness and I find myself free, for the very first time in my life, to be completely and spectacularly present.
Call me crazy, but there is something strangely familiar about the two of us.
The scope and depth of our connection suggests that it was forged long before you and I were ever here– and all of our strengths and flaws compliment one another easily and gently without resistance or even friction.

Love, I miss you and I miss all the way you do things.
And I think, I’ll always want to do everything on this wretched Earth with you.

But more than the way I miss how you do anything, I just miss you.

I miss you– I do.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 
 


 

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