09-10-2016.

23:58

Okay.

I need to slow the fuck down.

It was a hectic week, in which I was putting all my attention and energy to.
I’m not going to vent about my work, it’s already as bad as it is.
Bad as in, I’m quite overwhelmed with my work to the point where it’s kind of stressful and not really fun and all.
It’s a pressure, because right now I currently am doing something that I have never done before in my entire life, and I’m working hard to get better.
Diamonds are made under pressure, they said.

….

Yesterday I went upstairs.
At weekdays, the floor is filled with marketing people.
Marketing coordinators, marketing managers and their associates, whatever.
I went to this one co-worker of mine.
And, well, we talked.
Actually, I don’t understand with some people in my office.
It’s as if they could see right through someone.
Remember the last time I went to grab drinks and two of my co-workers said something about my personality and all?
Well, this one was saying almost the same thing as them.

“There are a lot of rumours about you, you know.”
“Rumours that you’re easily getting close to people. Rumours that said, you are messing around and talk to girls and all and just getting chummy with them.”
“Some of them even call you Don Juan for no reason, right?”

“I guess they are just being jealous that I talked to a lot of people.”
“I’m not looking for anything, really. I just like to talk to a lot of people and build co-worker relationship with them. You know, pretty normal stuff.”
“I just don’t give a shit on what they might think and all.”

“I know, but let me tell you the twist about it.”
“They are actually care about you a lot, you know.”

“I don’t think that bullshit is true.”

“It is true. They are actually paying a lot of attention on you, you know.”
“They said that, even though you do that, even though you are talking to a lot of people, somehow that does not show who you are, somehow there’s something more.”
“You’re not that shallow. I know. Look at your books. Look at how you talk.”
“Some people that I’m close to in the office said that there’s this invisible barrier that you put in front of people so they will not get close to you and all.”
“Do you even have a best friend and stuffs?”

I shook my head.

“Why so? I mean, I have never found a person that doesn’t have best friend.”

“Well, you do now. I mean, I have people that I am close to, that is true. But I do not regard them as one, just because.. I don’t think that they are.”
“But how.. Did those people pay attention to me? So they do look beyond what they see. So they do understand that what people see from another people is not always the reflection on what’s really inside that people.”

“Because they could look at people, you know.”
“Like I said, most people could perceive from what you read, from your books, from how you talk to people. And not just from what you really do to most people.”
“The thing is, why are you afraid to get close to people? What’s stopping you?”
“Don’t tell me that you are afraid of commitment and all.”

I didn’t answer her and just gave her a slight smile.
It was way past working time, and it was Friday.
But she made me thinking about what she said to me– whether it’s true or not.
And, well, honestly, I would say that it was true.
Maybe I do secretly let people get close only to some extent.

And if you ask me why I do that, well, it’s because of what happened to me.
I’m not going to explain anything here.
No, I don’t think I need to explain anything on why I do that to people.

I’ll let you lot wonder about it.

Although, if some of you have read my previous posts, I think by now you should understand why I subconsciously put that barrier in front of me.

……

Dear Love,

You know what I think right about you that might true or might not be true?
I don’t know if this is just a mirror or reflection of who I am at this moment.
But, I would say it, because that’s just what I see about you right now:

You are afraid of love, afraid of feelings, and afraid of your own heart.

Yes, that’s what I perceive you are right now– it’s just that simple.
You are simply afraid– you are simply scared of the possibility of being hurt.
But maybe, more than that, you are scared of the possibility that you can’t trust me, or even more bigger thing than that: that you cannot trust yourself.
Your feelings, your instincts, your wants, or even your own heart.

Maybe you’ve given it to the wrong people time and time again and she’s tired of searching for the staples, and the thread to stitch your heart back together when those imbeciles done ripping your heart to shreds.
Maybe you’ve watched as it broke over and over again when you didn’t even give your heart the chance to be seen, to be known, or even to say what it needed to say.
Maybe, maybe it’s permanently scarred and dented with the prints of those people who held it only to inevitably drop it carelessly and thoughtlessly.

And so, you are afraid of it.
You are afraid of what it means to give your heart away, to let it be heard, and to have to protect it so vigilantly after what happened.
I don’t know if you are simply afraid of what you or other people will do to your heart, or maybe you are even afraid of your own heart because you’ve never totally sure that you could believe your own heart when it whispers “Trust me.”

Love, I don’t mean that you are dead inside, or even allergic to feelings, I’m just saying that maybe you are afraid of what will happen when you let me see your heart. Or maybe, especially even more to the possibility of what will happen when you let yourself see it– when you remind yourself that your heart is there and deserves to come out.

You’re not the girl anyone could’ve pictured in their head– not even me.
I know that there’s no such thing as you magically open up to me or wake up one morning and feel like you are healed and better and can trust your gut to me.
Moreover, to trust your soul and all your heart to me.
Yes, you are complicated, and you are cautious.
And I’ve known that it’s likely, to certain extent, you will always be like that.

But the thing about you is that it means it is unbelievably special when you decides to let your heart be shown– and I fully understand that about you.
And I know that no matter how long it takes, or just how much your hands will shake as you hold your heart and show it to me while silently saying: “I hope this is the right thing for you now.” I know that, eventually, you will anyway.

Love, it is okay to be afraid.
But you have to know that it is also okay to take the leap.

Maybe I am writing this while looking at the mirror.
Maybe after what my co-worker said to me, all the words that I’ve wrote to you just now, are merely just a reflection of what I really am at this moment.
Maybe, and maybe not– who knows? (Well, technically, each of us does.)

Or maybe, the truth is, deep inside, we do need each other badly, but we are too busy holding our heads up high and caging our hearts– thus shutting them down.

Maybe we understand what we want to do with each other– that is everything.
Maybe we want a burning passion from each other, but also a best friend.
Maybe, maybe we want someone that will stick around through the good times and the bad times, and all the passion and all that comes along with it.

Yes, we meant to love with our whole hearts.
Because deeply, we know that each of us could handle each other’s heart gently.

Love, know that we cannot remove each other’s scars.
I can’t even rewrite all the past you have that haunts you until this very day.
But all I know, is that, we could hold each other, slowly, and gently.

Know that I will hold you tight and tell you that everything is going to be okay.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 

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