25-09-2016.

08:56

Yesterday, my co-workers were being noisy about MBTI types.

MBTI is a personality types that founded by someone.
It categorizes people into 16 different personalities based on 4 traits:
Introvert (I) and Extrovert (E),
Sensing (S) and Intuitive (N),
Thinking (T) and Feeling (F),
Judging (J) and Perspecting (P).
Just Google it, I’m too lazy to describe everything here.

..

I’m an INFP.
I’ve posted this before months ago, and it still hasn’t changed.
I’m an Engineer, and I work in a place where most people are strict Ts.
Which means they think more when it comes to making decisions and solving problems, and I, being a totally F person, would rely more on my feelings for those.
But even though I’m a F person, I still have my T traits.
Of course, no one in this world would make decisions solely based on their T or F.
Even Ts have Fs even if it’s only 1%, and vice versa.

Like I said, bunch of my co-workers were talking about that MBTI types.
They took the tests, and were bragging to each other about it.
When the crowd subdued, I talked to my another co-worker.
It was late, almost midnight, and there were only few people in the office.
And this one guy is always there, working late night at the office.
I talked a lot of things with this guy, well, if you read my previous posts, he was the one that woke up late and missed his early morning train, in which I came and rebuked him that he should took the next train if he really wanted to go.
I said to him that it was a test, a test if he really wanted to go.
And, well, he took my advice and took the next train.

He and I are somewhat different.
We both are Introverted, and both Intuitive.
But he’s a Thinking and Judging type, while I’m a Feeling and Perspecting type.
About this personality type stuffs, if there’s one thing that I want to know, is that I really want to know how a person with Thinking type functions.
I mean, I know that they are not a Feeling type, but that does not mean that they are heartless, aren’t they? They just don’t use their feelings that often.

From what I observe, most T types don’t handle their feelings that well.

I have this another co-worker, a girl with T type.
On one occasion, she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend at that time.
I asked her the reason why, and, well, the answer really didn’t make sense:

“I still love him, you know. But I don’t think he and I will be okay. He has a problem with his father, and he’s not working on that problem fast enough for me to be able to accept him as a life partner. No, I just can’t”

That, was fucked up for me.
Because that was somewhat ridiculous– at least for me.
After we know each other better, I figured out that she was a Feeling type person.
She got hurt so fucking bad in the past, she turned into a Thinking type person.
I didn’t believe that.
I mean, I do, but I don’t think that was the cause.
If she actually is being like that, then I think she’s a natural-born T type.

Another story with another co-worker.
When I first got my job, I met this one senior co-worker of mine.
He’s a generally critical and good guy, that manages several teams at once.
But there was something that I noticed when I was observing him:
He was being a generally grumpy guy that could explode at random times.
At first, I thought it was just because he was being himself.
I thought it was all his personality, but I was totally wrong.
One of his team members told me his story on why he was acting like that.
Turns out, he broke up with his girlfriend, and can’t stand the pressure.
He was frustrated, and, well, only he knows how it actually felt.

I could understand his frustration, I did understand him.
But, that doesn’t mean that he had to lash his anger towards people.

Back to the first co-worker that I mentioned.
We were having a conversation about the difference between T and F people.
I told him those stories, about how T people handle their events related to their feelings, and how they were managing it, from the frustration to the bitterness.
I told him that, it seems, all the T people aren’t really that good at managing their feelings, at how they cope up with the rush of feelings in their hearts.

“I don’t know why, but they, all of those T people, they are always like that.”
“They think too much and too logical to things related to their feelings, all the while knowing perfectly that it’s all about feelings and not about their minds.”
“They seem to be so… Afraid? To things that made their heart ache.”

“I think I know the answer.”

“And what would a completely ‘Feeling’ person would say about this?”

“Imagine that our feelings are one hell of a giant ocean.”
“Doesn’t matter if you are a T type or F type person, it’s still the same”
“At some point in our life, we decided to swim in our feelings, with different kinds of weather depends on the type of the feelings.”
“If you’re happy, it might be an afternoon sea with gentle sea breeze that you could leisurely swim in without any much trouble, and, well, it’s pleasant. Who doesn’t like the afternoon gentle sea breeze with a perfect sunny weather?”
“Another, if you’re sad, it might look like it’s about to rain: violent wind, rough waves, you name it. You could still swim in it but sometimes, the waves will splash on your face, the seawater will get into your mouth and nose and eyes, and you’ll be left with curses coming out of your mouth.”
“That’s what feeling is. An ocean.”

“And what about those two of our co-workers?”
“What about them and their experiences? How would you explain what happened to that girl and her bitterness? And what about that guy and his frustration?”

I paused for a moment and looked outside the window.
I was remembering myself and how I cope up with what happened to me and her.

“They are different. They are people that can’t stand the tsunami, or the maelstrom that came in their ocean at times.”
“Imagine that girl, that particular co-worker of us, let’s say he faced a very difficult thing that stirred her feelings, let’s say, at that time, a maelstrom came to her ocean, and she was so terrified about it.”
“And she drowned– she lost her consciousness.”
“When she woke up, she was stranded on her own beach, she was safe, but the memory, the memory of what happened to her have been haunting her ever since.”
“She’s now afraid of the ocean, well, she might not be completely afraid, she might be swimming at times, at sunny day and even cloudy day.”
“But not on a rainy or even stormy days.”
“At those days, she will take hundreds of steps back away from the beach, back to her safe haven, and she will not dare herself to swim at the ocean anymore. No, she won’t even dare to swim into the depth of her own feelings anymore.”
“Even if, let’s say, someone is willing to teach her to swim and handle the current, to handle the maelstrom or the whirlpool in her ocean, she will still say no to that, because she already understands how it feels like to drown.”
“It was a traumatic event that brought her to her bitterness.”

“And about him? How would you explain the frustration of that guy?”

“He was.. Still swimming in the ocean.”
“He was left at the depth of his ocean by the woman that he loved, and, well, he was still drowning and trying to make his way up to the surface slowly.”
“Or maybe he wasn’t even drowning at all, but he was struggling to face the violent waves in the middle of the ocean alone, he wasn’t ready to be left by the woman that he loved, for they were swimming together once: in that woman’s ocean, he was swimming in her ocean, and in his ocean, the woman was swimming in his.”
“Only, for that woman, he was already swimming towards the beach.”
“Imagine the frustration, the feeling of being left in the middle of the ocean alone, after someone promised you hundreds or even thousands of time that they will never leave you no matter what happens to you.”
“Imagine being so helpless in the middle of a storm in the middle of the sea.”

“And that’s why he was lashing it out on the people around him. I get it.”
“That’s so sad, isn’t it? About how afraid people are to their own feelings that they actually changed their personality into something more logical.”
“I believe that, logical things, for them, are depicted as a more ‘safer’ things.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m the better swimmer here between us.”
“While you guys, Thinking personality people are afraid with the current, I’m still going strong, and fighting up the violent tides all by myself.”
“I’m not going to be someone that is – putting it up to the extreme – afraid to even dip their toes into the water, to the point where they are even afraid to swim in their own feelings because of what happened to them in the past.”

Well, while in reality I can’t really swim, I’m a master swimmer in my own ocean.
Ocean of feelings, with cloudy weather and violent waves almost all the time.
Drowning was painful, I could say that.
The feeling of the saltwater getting into your lungs, while your body is being thrown here and there by the waves was not a very pleasant experience.
If any, I was dragged down to the bottom of the ocean by the maelstrom.
Yes, I survived, but it scarred me– it broke my heart to billions of pieces.

But still, I’m going to say this again: I’m a master swimmer in my own ocean.

Unlike that guy that constantly lashed his anger out to people around him, I was being quiet, I slowly pour out my feelings into the paper, it was like I was grasping for air slowly, but surely.
Unlike that girl that turned bitter because of what happened to her in her past, and it turned her into a Thinking type of a person that is afraid to swim in rough weather, I would and would always dare myself to swim in every weather available.
No, I won’t afraid, and I won’t give up about it.

……

Dear Love,

I know that you’re a good swimmer.
You told me once that you’re a good swimmer, and I believe you, someone even told me that you’re a very good swimmer that could do even a difficult swimming stroke.
That person even told me that you could swim using butterfly stroke.
I was like, what the hell? With that little body of yours? Butterfly stroke?
It sounded so unlikely– no, it sounded so, so impossible that you could do it.
But I believe that, oh I do.
Because I know that it wasn’t the first time I was surprised about the things that I haven’t known about you– things that, at first, I was skeptical, but turned out to be so awesome– all the things that you could do in that little body of yours.

Yes, I know that you kind of hate it when I say little, but I honestly don’t care.

Like I said, even though I can’t swim in reality, I’m a very good swimmer in my ocean of feelings.
Yes, I am going to brag about it and rub it straight on your face, and I am sorry about that, but I am going to write it, and I’m going to describe it well.
Think of it as me ranting about how envious I am to our swimming skills– about the fact that I only could do a rock-y swimming stroke compared to yours.
Yes, I know I should learn how to swim, but no, I don’t know when.

But, Love, I’m a better swimmer in my own ocean– at least I think I am.
After a series of things that happened to me, I still dare myself to swim in a bad weather, in the middle of the ocean of feelings, with the violent waves and wind and maelstroms trying to put me down to the bottom of the ocean.
Arguably, maybe you could say it’s because I know that they won’t break me more than what I already am– because I am already broken from what happened to us.
But that’s not the case, no.

I only know that, to actually understand how my ocean is like– to completely understand how ocean of feeling is like, I have to swim in it, and I have to dare myself to plunge in it in every weather or condition possible.
And I know that with you in it, it feels like I could face every weather, or even anything– anything that would try to drown me or even destroy me.

All I know that, when you are with me, I’m not afraid of anything.

I know that you might become like that co-worker of mine, who is afraid of dipping her toes into a deeper water a little bit closer to the middle of the ocean.
Especially when it’s cloudy and looking like it’s start to rain.
But, Love, you could just jump in, and I promise I’ll hold your hand.
Trust me, and trust me completely.
I know that people could say whatever it is that they want to say, but you know me and you’ve known me for years– you understand what I would do to my promises.
That I always keep them– I always keep my promises no matter what.

And all you will do is just trust yourself to me, know that I won’t let you drown.

And well, in return, just teach me how to swim in reality.
You could declare me as a graduate later when I could do the butterfly stroke.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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