At time like this, I always think of the things that I should to to her.
The question of: “What should I do ?” echoing inside my skull.
Because, right now, she’s guarded herself right inside her private place.
With all those high walls, those thick bulletproof windows, and those barred doors.
No, I didn’t know that she’s guarded– not initially.
I thought she’s independent and confident– driven and seemingly content.
Yes, it seemed as thought she was living a big life, yet in that big life itself, is where she is just the most closed– as if it’s a paradox.
It was as if she’s filled all the little spaces with something that she always have.
I am not going to sugarcoat it, it was the fall that ultimately broke her.
It was when she found the truest seeming, most divinely timed, and so evidently fated people around her, only for all of those to turned back against her.
She let all of those burn through her, and left her with nothingness.
Yes, she grasped, and convinced herself that it was just absolutely had to be.
She rested her heart in that one safety: that it was just had to be.
But, did all of those were true? Or was it just an illusion?
Which one was true and which one wasn’t?
No, I can’t even answer the question, and maybe, maybe she can’t either.
But, I would say that she is independent indeed.
I said that because she did just what she needs to do.
Moment by moment, hour by hour, choice by choice, she rebuilt her life.
She built, and built, and built, and built, and just built.
She built until the life around her was the perfect antidote, the perfect cure to what scared her and made her broke in the first place.
It was safe– it was all hers, and not anyone else– At least it wouldn’t wake up one day and leave her– It was what she had, and it is what she has.
And I know that I can’t blame her for wanting to protect it.
Okay, she could argue that she is NOT bitter, that she just knows better.
She could argue that she is NOT cynical, that she is just being realistic.
But, until she knows another reality, the one where people’s intentions are not filled with crappy shits– where their intentions are not just about emptying people out for their own interests– she will continue to be reserved.
She, will continue to be guarded all the time.
Being cautious– tentative– shy– and the worst of all: secretive.
I came up with any myriad of synonyms to describe her.
But, none of those things were labeled as “guarded” by me.
I mean, I found the words that praise her being independent, or maybe the words that described how difficult she is to read and all.
Yet none of them had anything to do with the fact the distance she puts between herself and everyone else, has to do with self-preservation.
With protecting her heart– with being guarded.
Right now, she really is just seem hard to get to know and all.
Maybe, when she meets people, she would give more of little shrugs and starts of stories rather than all out tales with no detail spared.
Maybe, people will think that she is simply more careful, more methodical with her thoughts and actions than a girl who is just less reserved and more impulsive.
Well, I could say that she is, but only up to a certain extent.
Because right now, she is just so, so difficult to get to know and to learn about.
She is calculated with her words and just thoughtful with her actions.
She is being so cautious, tentative, shy (perhaps) and super secretive.
Even to me, the person that she’s known for years that has done nothing to her.
But, I could say that, she could be all of those, she could have those things, and still be a girl – hidden in plain sight – who is guarded.
Because, let me tell you, all of those things, and all of those traits that she has, are an effect of her being so guarded.
They are an effect– an aftermath, of being hurt.
And when a girl is hurt, and hurt enough, she becomes a girl who’s guarded.
I know that loving a girl like her will not happen overnight– I said this again, and again hundreds– even thousands of times to people and to myself.
Because maybe – for a girl like her, a girl who is guarded – maybe she just doesn’t trust love– and doesn’t trust my love to her– and doesn’t even trust loving me.
And maybe, again, maybe, just MAYBE, she doesn’t even trust herself.
Let me tell you that a girl who is guarded, is actually a girl who has loved and loved deeply– who’s put her heart and her soul on the line in the past.
Sadly, she has done all that to most people only to come back empty-handed.
And even sadder, the only thing that she got from me– the love that I gave for her, she took it for granted– she spilled all of those between her fingers.
Yes, she has trust and risked herself for something or even someone, and come back not only with empty handed, but worse, she came back scarred.
She went all in, and instead of coming back with something, she has lost her own.
And she has lost theirs, too, all at once.
Let me tell you that a girl who’s guarded is not incapable of trusting or loving.
She is just making sure she doesn’t trust the wrong someone ever again.
Instead of handing over her heart with no questions asked and with a side of blind hope, she’s making sure that when she passes it to someone, they know how special it is– that instead of leaping without being sure that someone is going to catch her, she makes sure that if she starts to fall, she could catch herself.
That, instead of trusting someone simply based on their words, she’s making sure she fully understand what they mean when they speak, what they do when they promise something– before making up her own mind whether or not to believe them.
That, instead of putting her faith in others, she’s putting it in herself.
And, if you ask me, I’m going to say it’s somewhat a good thing.
Of course, there’s the bad side of not trusting people, or even arguably being overly cautious to things, but being moderately cautious is always good.
For me, I always think that there is something– an element inside her, that which can never fully go away and all, for she might trust me again– and I know that she will, but there will still always be a little voice in the back of her head, telling her and remind her of the things that’s passed:
“.. Remember that time when…”
And maybe, at that time, she will feel as if her world is crushing down on her.
And so I decided that I have to be louder than that voice.
I want to encourage her to be open when she thinks that she shouldn’t be herself.
I want to put her mind at ease when she feels like she can’t trust her decisions.
I want to love her, and love her with all that she have and with all that she is when she’s convinced that she’s utterly unlovable.
And I just want to be there and catch her when she feels like she’s falling.
I’m not trying to tear her walls down and try to build a new life for her.
I’m not trying to dismantle the life she’s built in place of what she lost.
I’m not trying to break through her walls, no, I’m not.
I just want to get in and be the part of her world inside her walls.
I want her to open up to me, and give me her trust.
Because I know, that inside, I will find one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever had the privilege to read.
And that, is worth more than anything.
I want to look into your eyes and let you know that you could trust me completely.
Not by words, but through the way I hold your gazes– like I am not afraid to know more about you and just all that you have inside those walls of yours.
I see you, and nothing that you tell me now could change the fact that I do appreciate you for the wonderfully unique individual that you are.
And no matter what time of the day it is, I will make sure you know that you’re heard and understood and never alone, even if it’s all about your darkest secrets.
For I will gaze into your eyes while pulling you close into me, and I will reassure you completely that nothing has changed about how beautiful you’ve always been.
That I do want you just the same– if not more– every day and every day after.
I will look deep into your eyes, and through mine, I will let you see for yourself – now more than ever – a beautiful being who is not damaged or broken, but strong, and brave, and always deserving of love and trust.
Because, little by little, I want to see you, like the first cherry of the spring, open those pretty pink petals and blossom into the extraordinary woman I have always seen in you and believed you to be since years and years ago.
That, with just a single touch from my heart and my soul to yours, even the most jagged, sharpest edges that you have, become tender at my fingertips.
Yes, Love, with that, I’m going to hold on to you.
And I’m going to choose you now, and choose you every single day.