11-09-2016.

04:10

It’s weekend, and I have NEVER been so excited for weekends before.
I know, I’ve had a hectic week, and it’s time for me to finally get some rest.

And I finally have the time to write my things extensively.

Few days ago, she messaged me.
She suddenly said things out of the blue, I guess it was related to my last post.
And she said things about me, things that she.. Almost never said to me before.

She said that, now that I have a big responsibility, then it’s actually a sign that I have successfully grown– That humans, should have grown from time to time.
And she also said, that sometimes, being too happy with what they’ve achieved– being too happy after they’ve grown, humans usually forget about one principal thing that came from the very basic of physics:
The higher they rise, the harder they fall.

She told me a brief story about a human– a random person.
At first, he was standing at the same level with another person in his company.
At that time, whenever the person had difficulties or anything, there were also a lot of people helping him and such; in short, it was peaceful and easy for him.
And suddenly, without realizing it, that person was already one step ahead than the others– he suddenly got promoted, and he’s given bigger responsibilities.
The promotion went on and on, and there were a lot of things going on as the person went up the stairs– the stairs of promotion.
But with all of those things, after he stood up high at the top of the things that he built and the things that he has been given, he finally understood what does “The higher they rise, the harder they fall” actually means.
Yes, there were a lot of people below, people that helped him before when he was actually at the same level as them before he got the promotions.

But, turns out, those people only wanted to help him when he’s on the same level as them, and those people did praise him for his job, but that’s that.
Because at the time the person actually fell, those people ran away; they were scared; they don’t want his rubbles and debris to fell on the top of their heads.

That being said, she told me to keep grow, and grow.
And she told me that no one actually knows when we will rise or fall, that I need to understand the risk in every single thing that I will take.
For even though I’ve been promoted, even though the boards of my company actually gave me bigger responsibilities to lead teams and all, that even though MAYBE I got happiness related to the job that I have right now, I need to remember that there is no such as tan eternal happiness in this world– there won’t be one.
Because, she said, in the end, we need to do whatever it is that we need to do.

And I replied.

I replied with somewhat a wall-of-text.
I said to her that – just like what she already knew – I was like that, too.
I didn’t like to see people succeeded or being happy of their achievement.
I wasn’t able to do anything significant, and all I could do was just looking to the top, and being envious to people’s happiness and achievements.
And I said to her that I somewhat agreed with what she said.
Because, I was like that, too: whenever my friends had any difficulties, I will always help them in whatever it was on the things that they have difficulties in.
But, when they actually reach success, when they actually reach the top, it was a whole another story– a story that I hated so goddamn much.

At our most basic level, we, humans, have our ugliness inside our heart.
Envy and jealousy were just two of so many ugly things that we have.
And just like what I’ve described in my previous posts, Envy was my biggest weakness– the worst of the worst of all the things that I have.
I was so envious to people’s achievements, I didn’t even care who the person was.
But, even more worse was, the people that I helped before, whenever they reached the top, I’ve turned myself hating them– I hated them with all my soul.

Yet it was all in the past.
I learned to understand people, I learned to be happy in other people’s achievement.
I learned to put myself in other people’s shoes, on what does it feel like to be succeed, filled with achievement, and reached the top.
I could even say that I am not the same man as I was years ago.

I told her that she needs to understand, that not ever single person that she knows will disappear from her sight whenever there is something bad happened to her.
That not every person will run away from failures that they see.
Because, the people that she saw, people that were in her reality, people that ran away from her as she fell from her throne, were only a small portion of people from what the world – even the universe – has to offer for us.
I mean, look at me, and look at me closely: I never went anywhere, but sadly, she didn’t put me in her equation and thought that all people are the same.
Well, maybe it is easier for humans to look at something bad inside of them or around them, and will usually take something good that they have for granted.

About happiness, I fully understand that nothing lasts forever in this world.
But for me, personally, as long as I have it for my whole life– during the “short” stay that I have in this world, it’s enough for me.
Happiness that I could get and I could embrace until I die– until the longest range of time that I could ever imagine, is enough– it’s more than enough.

Actually, there were so many things that I could say to her.
There were so many debatable things that I could use to open a discussion with her.
Yet, I decided that I don’t need to message her so many wall-of-text for things like that– related to the topics that she said to me earlier.
I told her that I’m used to verbal discussion, and maybe, maybe she and I later could fight around (not literally) the topics that she told me, that maybe she and I could actually share each other’s opinion.
Now that, would be awesome.

Come to think of it, it happened again.
She made me remember and aware of things that I need to tread carefully.
And, especially, I was having a hectic week, in that busyness, I really need to be reminded of so many things– things that I usually forget to pay my attention to.

Well, her timing just never cease to amaze me, really– It was as if she could stare straight into my soul and immediately understand what I need.
I didn’t even know how she managed to do that numerous times.

……

Dear Love,

Do you have some kind of magic clock-alarm thingy in your room ?
I don’t know what it is with you and your timing to message me.
It just seems so.. Right and at the point, just in time, and never miss.

Let me tell you something about it without making up anything:
After you said to me “Don’t forget to be happy”, things happened.

Day after you said that, I continued to go through my week just like usual.
And then, one of my friends from Malaysia contacted me, wanted to catch up.
We talked about things, general things about each other’s condition.
And then, well, she asked me about my job.
I answered and tell her it was a totally hectic week with my job and all.
And she continued, telling me that I should really stop trying to kill myself.
And that I should try to be happy and stop working so hard.
That was the first.
You could see her posting in my Facebook wall saying something related to that.

I continued, I went on with my days.
And then, last Friday, as I was playing board games with my co-workers and some people from outside of the company, one of them talked to me.
I know him since months ago, he was the first few guys that I’ve known from playing board games, along with several other people from outside the company.
Just like the first, he was asking me about my work and all.
I said to him that I was having a hectic week and all.
He said to me that it’s good that I’m having fun and all.
And he continued to say that I should have fun more, that I should be happy.
That, was the second.

And then, yesterday, I went out with my friends, some co-workers and their friends.
We went to this certain Mexican Bar, because one of my co-workers is a dance trainer, and he wanted to show us his expertise in Salsa dance.
And, as we were having some laughs, one of them asked me about my job, my hobbies, about the things that I love to do, you know, some basic stuffs about me.
One of them was amazed that I read Shakespeare (I don’t even know if it’s that rare) and asked me about the book reviews that I’ve made.
And one of them said this:

“Now that you were having a constantly busy and hectic week, do you actually have the time to read and review books? I mean, there’s not much people like you! You must have little time to do things that you’re happy with, aren’t you?”

I was dumbfounded for split seconds, and then continued to talk like usual.
That, was the third.

Now, few hours ago, my co-workers talked to me, and asked me about my Saturday.
She was asking about things related to my job, on her marketing division.
I told her that I was having a quiet Saturday with only reading books and writing things, just like another weekend, only with more sleep.
And suddenly, just so sudden, out of nowhere, she said something.
She said that I need to spend more time doing whatever makes me happy.
That she feels like I’m not even having fun, and have too much to worry about.
I constantly worrying things, trying to get a lot of things done, and even forgot to stop and have fun, that I got my attention to my work too much.
Moreover, she said that I care about what people think quite a lot, which is something that is kind of bad according to her.
She said that she might be wrong and I might be already happy and all, but still.
That, was the fourth.

Or maybe with that one somewhat long wall-of-text of yours in between those, the total is already five– 5 times I’ve been reminded to be happy by numerous people.

What. The. Hell.

Now, Love, I don’t understand what is happening.
But when things like this happened, I know that it actually means something.
But, you know, I just don’t understand on how to be happy.
I know that I should do things that I want to– that makes me happy.
Okay, Love, I’ll try– I mean, I’ll try to do it.
I know it comes from the inside and all, I just don’t know how to do it.
People say that, I shouldn’t think too much about it, that I shouldn’t try to be happy, and just be happy instead– but that does not makes sense.
Well, okay, maybe it is. Okay, Love. Okay.

I’ll be happy, I won’t forget to be happy.
I will do the things that I want to do without worrying too much about it.
At least, I promise you I will try to do it.

Love, again, your timing never cease to amaze me.
Things related to you– that actually started from you, are always make sense, and I always got hints related to them– to the things that you said, every single time.
I don’t know if it’s all about Universe or whatever it is that is happening to me, with you always being the very first thing that gave me hints on them.
Maybe it starts with you– all that is good for me right now, all that will actually change me into a better person, a better man– at least for you.
Call me cheesy, call me whatever you want, but right now, after all that happened with you and me, I believe that there must be something between us.
The words you said to me to remind me about my health and all, the song thingy that you sent me, and now these reminder for me to be happy and the warnings.
I don’t know if you feel the same thing or experiencing the same thing, but I really, really hope you do.

And I hope, you won’t get tired of reminding me of things.
I’m still so, so far away from being the person that I want to be, I still got a long, long way to go, and I do want to be a better person day by day.

Love, without you and all the words you’ve said to me, I won’t achieve even half of the achievement that I have and the person that I am right now.
Know that the love that I have for you made me change– it made me grow.
Know that you, realized it or not, changed me completely to be a better person.

Thank you, Love.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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