07-09-2016.

05:05

A goddamn hectic week.
Yes, I am having one right now.

Long story short, I was assigned to a new project.
The boards saw that I have the capability to lead a team, and so, they put me into a new team with bunch of engineers, and I was expected to lead them.
With the ongoing development process, I have to set meetings with another people.
Managers, team members, co-workers from another domain, CTO, etc.
I was SO overwhelmed by the number of workloads that I have this week.
My schedule from 11 to 9 is full with meetings and discussions.
Yesterday, I even had 10 meetings in a row with only 30 minutes lunch break.

As I was trying to rest myself and looking at the schedule for today, all the while reviewing the work that I had done yesterday, I checked my phone.
It was already an hour past midnight.
I usually put my phone on silent mode, without vibrate.
It’s not like that I hate human connection, I just don’t really want to be disturbed by unimportant peeps while I’m working, especially with trivial matters.

And I saw a message from her.
Again, just like the last time, I froze in place.
With half-shaking hand, I opened the message from her.
And it was a sentence that changed my whole week, or even the whole September:

“Don’t forget to be happy.”

….

I don’t know what was in my CTO’s mind.
He actually said that he saw a potential in me, and wanted to trust me in something.
Something bigger, and something new, related to the company’s project.
And, like I said, here I am, leading engineers in a new team with new project.
But, I guess, just like what Uncle Ben, Voltaire, Churchill, and Roosevelt said:
“With great power comes great responsibility”
Then I guess those words are applied in my field of work, too.

This week is just the peak of my work.
Last week was bad, too, although not as hectic as this week.
Honestly, I’ve become a machine in trying to keep up with my routine.
Reading books, writing without posting (because I do not have enough time to post all my writings in my book), sleeping, doing my work, just everything.
She said to me once that I should put whatever it is that I want on the stack for the day and start to prioritize things based on that stack.
And it’s working so far, it really is working.

But, like I said just now and days and weeks ago, I’ve become a machine.
Unlike weeks ago, I even rarely go out and having drinks with co-workers.
I said to them that I still got a lot of things that needs to be done.
And, I even stopped playing games with my friends.
Friends that I’ve known for years and been playing game with for years.
Yes, it was Zeus and Hermes.
Zeus actually said it was kind of ironic, because I was so afraid that I would not have time to do other things because of my work, and yet, now that I have the time, what I’m doing is I still prioritizing my work over other things.
Yes, I somewhat agree with him that it’s still kind of ironic.
Maybe it’s true, I forgot to have fun, maybe I even forgot to take a deep breath and look at everything from higher or even 3rd person point of view.

Until yesterday.
I got slapped – not literally – in the face by that message from her.

It actually made me aware of myself.
Think of it like someone suddenly being gushed by gallons of water into their face when they were actually fast asleep– guaranteed to be instantly awake.
It made me ask myself: “What the hell am I doing?”
I stood up, and look around my office.
All the lights, the desks, chairs, whiteboards, sticky notes, monitors, laptops, meeting rooms, talking co-workers, books, carpets, just everything.
I took a deep breath, and look down to my desk.

Everything was still the same.
The books, the laptops, the desk, the cables, pens, paper, etc.
And suddenly, I was fully conscious.
How long have I been like this?
How long have I forgot of my surroundings, and just so focused on my work?
How long have I treated reading as a mandatory thing, and not as a hobby of mine?
How long have I neglected my daily posts, and switched to write stupid, obsfucated words in my book without even fully unleashing my heart from its cage?
I don’t even think anyone has the answer, not even me.

Suddenly I felt so, so, so weak and exhausted.
All those strength that I usually have around that hour – poof – gone.
I put my phone, closed my laptop lid, and stared out the window.
I could saw just a glimpse of reflection of myself in the mirror.
And, while looking at the city lights, I asked myself one question:
“Have you forgotten how to be happy?”
And I didn’t even answer myself about it.
I know that being happy is tied to everything we work for, everything we pray of, everything we live for, or everything that we even dream of.
It is the common ingredient we all lust for– the prize we all hope to win.
Happiness is the implied treasure that awaits us if we’re, lets say, thin, or even rich, or even pretty, or maybe smart, or, well, whatever.
The list just goes on, and on, and on.

Maybe among other things, it is attached to out jobs, or even paychecks.
Maybe it is related to simply winning a game you were playing at.
Maybe it is about getting raise, maybe about our surroundings.
Or even about the clothes we wear everyday, and so on.
Yet, I could say that, maybe they are not a real thing.
Because, those many things just seem to be the placeholder for happiness.
My question was: “if, let’s say we achieve them, is that the prize?”
And usually, it isn’t.
Maybe, with those things, I could say that, I have thought that I was happy.
But in reality, I was not, something was always missing.

I’ve said before in one of my posts that I’m afraid to say anything to her.
I’m kind of afraid that I might disturb her or something.
And yes, I still am, that was why I didn’t even dare to reply “Thank you”.
My thought was, I promised her that I will always be there for her, and I am– I still am, I just don’t want to disturb her with trivial things that she doesn’t need, such as, the reply messages from me.
I mean, who knows, she might not want me to reply her messages and all.

Yes, I know it was an assumption, and perhaps, if she said otherwise– if she said that it was all a wrong assumption, then I know that it was an idiotic assumption.
That with that assumption, I was being a complete moron.

But, with that, over time, fear began to creep in.
Fear began to dominate all aspects of my life.
Because, like anyone else,I wanted to be happy, but it was fraught with so much old anxiousness and fear of pain and risk that might NOT be there that I was paralyzed.
With all of those stupid assumption, eventually, I just forgot how.
I just forgot how to be happy and be open to her like I was.
And sadly, I am reduced to me and my writings when it comes to her.
Maybe I have forgotten how to be happy.
Maybe I am not even actually happy, that I am just going through the motions.
I could say that I am happy to her when she asked me, but maybe, maybe deep down I know that I am just lying to her about my state of happiness.

That maybe, maybe I do have everything that I wanted– good job, good pay, good position, good career, but somehow, there’s still something that is missing.

And I guess we all know what– no, who’s the person that I’m missing.

But, after that one sentence– one magic sentence, I understand something.
People said that happiness is just a matter of choice– well it might be.
But I guess, I guess happiness is just so relative.
Okay, when we are talking about relativity, then everything is relative, but–
But happiness, happiness actually comes from within.
Rumi said: “The soul is here for its own joy” which actually bolster the fact that happiness comes from within the person him/her self.
And for me, I guess I know what my soul wants.

As it turns out – like I have always known – she has always been my wildest dream.
She is the happiness inside the state of my mind and my heart.
She is the constant and the fleeting side of my feelings.
Yes, she comes from within my soul, but through that mere one sentence, it proved that it even comes from the outside of myself.
It also proves that happiness comes from the little things.

If she does care about the state of my happiness, and actually remind me not to forget to be happy, then I think I should treat myself better.
I mean, she rarely messages me, she might even rarely think about me, but she still have the goddamn time to spare her time to remind me that one, simple thing.
One simple sentence, and it worked miraculously.
Is she a miracle? Yes, she might be, with all that she is.

She is the only person that could carve a genuine, loving smile on my face, using simple reminder words that echoes within the skull inside my head, within the muscle inside my heart, and within the tangled space inside my soul– a soul that is filled with my love for her– in which she intentionally enhanced it billionfold.

If that was not a miracle, then I just don’t know what it was.

……

Dear Love,

Maybe everyone said that our lives should be good, that we should make it like one.
Maybe everyone said that, we need to sort our life.
But sometimes, sometimes I even love to life my life and love life (yes, by love life means that it is ALL about you, and nothing else) the messy way.
Everyone says that life should be like this and be like that.
They pointed out all the success stories and the motivations from other people.
And it’s just the same, even no difference, with love.
Everyone says love should look like it’s been torn out of a romance novel.
That maybe we should ride off together on horses, hand in hand into the sunset, or whatever other shitty movie ending you want to substitute.

But that’s not how life works, and that’s not how love works.

Life is messy, and filled with challenge and things outside our comfort zones.
It’s filed with overwhelming events, and disappointments from other parties.
Sometimes it even doesn’t work on the way that we just wanted because we are supposed to be somewhere else in our life to reach our perfection.
Another one: love is messy, too– and it is even more messier.
Love is vulnerability, and vulnerability means imperfection.
It’s both of us showing the parts of ourselves that aren’t beautiful.
And it means honesty in the ugliness– It means nights that aren’t romantic.
And it also means there’s conflict in it.

And if you ask me, if our love is like that, of yes, Love– yes it is.

But, the thing is, this is the kind of love that I ever wanted.
It will not always be pretty, and will be filled with frustration and error.
It will have arguments and discussion and emotions that aren’t all happy ones.
It doesn’t sound like our favourite pop song– not even goddamn Justin Bieber’s.
Yet, it is also not all about those things, for it helps us in so many aspects in life– whether we fully realize about it or not.
Like the quote from (apparently) Lao Tzu said: being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

You might or might not realize it, but aside from the courage that I got every single day from loving you, that one sentence actually gave me enormous strength.

That because of you, I want to soar, act, thrive and prosper more– I want to move, grow, flourish and further the boundaries of who I am and what I believe I can be.
Know that, with all that you’ve said, you’ve nurtured all of those in me. Conviction and confidence– strength and stature– Determination and complete disregard for the insecurities that was indoctrinated in myself.
With that once sentence, I feel so myself again– I feel so free.

Yes, I was and still am feeling immense love from that one sentence of yours.
And it injected happiness and love inside of me.
I didn’t know what you were thinking when you said that to me, but, I’ll have you know, that with just those simple words, you are making someone that love you so much happy, and it also giving me strength and courage to carry on every single day.
Yes, you’ve changed my days, weeks, and even months ahead of me.

Thank you, Love.
 

Hugs and Kisses,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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