28-08-2016.

19:27

Dear Love,

I don’t know if you’re out there reading this or something.
I know that you saw my previous posts.
Yet, I still don’t know what do you think about me,
And I still don’t know that you do every single day.
With that obliviousness, all I have right now is hope.
One hope that you will someday see all of my words.

That someday, you know that you never once left my mind.
Not even once.

Not even when we don’t talk to each other every single day.
Not even when all you did was reading my message, and automatically sent me a read receipt, and you didn’t even say anything back to me.
Not even when there’s slight feeling that you’re thinking about me, but you didn’t even bother trying to reach out to me.
Not even when I feel the familiar static of my body rejecting vulnerability and missing you coursing through my veins.
No, not even once.

Love, I’m hoping that you will someday see all my words.
And, more importantly, I’m hoping that I could say all of them to you.
I’m wishing that someday, you can finally hear everything I never said.
Because there’s a lot.

About how I forgive you, about how I never hate you,
And about how I never blame you for what happened to you and us.
And, I never said anything about whatever it is that is happening to me to anyone.
The only time I was mumbling about them was to the night sky months ago.
I’ll have you know that the stars is the only audience I’ve ever talked to and admitted to about how much I love you since that day.
That I’ve stupidly talked to them about how I miss your smile, and the way you smell, and the way I hugged you when we would fall asleep.
And I miss our time together.

And, I hope, right now you’re safe, and starting to be self-assured about how much you are capable of, and how much you could accomplish in your life.

Because I never hate you.
And, if you ask me, yes, I do forgive you.
And I don’t blame you.
And I do, love you.
And I’m hoping that someday you will finally hear everything I never said.

I know that you realize that I remember every single thing.
I remember everything about us– about you.
Like when we talked to each other about everything, while you were writing things about us in your magical book until the sun came up and we didn’t even immediately go to bed, because it felt like there were so much thing that we could talk about.
And when we laughed together with just one look at each other’s eye about how silly the tourist was because he was using chopsticks like spoon and fork.
And about how I was wondering why you could ate that much food with that little body of yours– and no, I didn’t even hold back when we were eating that day.
And about how I held you in my arms when we were talking about our secrets and things that we never talked about before that night.
And yes, I do remember the fights, but I remember the making up.
I do remember the tears, but I remember the heart.
I do remember the struggle, but I remember the ease.

I remember everything.
And I remember you.

Here’s hoping that one day, in the future, you will hear everything that I never said; that one day – and I hope it’s soon – both of us could tell each other on the things that we never said to each other before.
That maybe, we could tell each other that we do matter.
That we could know that all of the screaming, hostility, tears, mess, accidents, paranoia, insecurities, and even the heartbreak, was really worth it.
That we could know that we actually made for each other.
And that we both could know that we’re everything for each other.

And that day we’ll be completely okay– that we’ll be completely together.

I know that all of these might sound so one-way.
But, you have to know, I do wish that you are thinking the same thing with me.
That you are also hoping about you wish I could heart everything you never said.
That instead of both of us hoping about each other, we’ll just know about it.
That instead of messaging our friends about how much we we want each other to talk and message each other about our day, we’ll just do it to each other instead.
That instead of trying to force ourselves to remember how bright our smiles are, we could just tell each other about how much do we want to see each other’s smiles.

That, instead of hoping, it will just be.

But, for know, here’s hoping that someday you will hear everything I never said.
And here’s hoping that, that same someday is the day when we will be exactly what we need for each other and for ourselves.

And that, that same someday is the day where we will look at each other’s eye, and give the most lovely smile that we have– although you know nobody could beat yours.

Because, in us, I believe that nothing is impossible.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

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