I sometimes ask myself, why am I writing?
Why do I create long posts, poems, using words?
Why did I fill my books with my writings?
And why so many of them aren’t posted here ?
I wrote something about the latter, yes.
But, the others?
She told me something few weeks ago about my writings.
She told me that my writings are filled with inspirations for her.
I was partly dumbfounded.
Dumbfounded by the fact that she actually read my writings.
And dumbfounded by the fact that I was able to touch her heart.
Let me tell you about why I write.
To express myself.
Yes, as some of you lot may know, I’ve done this since almost a year ago.
I’ve written things because there was something inside of me that I need to let out– that there were thoughts and feelings that need to be unleashed.
And I have done that – arguably – endlessly and flawlessly.
And hopefully (from what she said) my writings have spread love to her and to people that read my writings, and ultimately give her and anyone strength to go on, or simply just to put a smile on her face.
Just like I was touched, felt loved, picked up, and lightened up simply by someone else’s work that I’ve read everywhere.
Maybe for some people, reading these posts that I’ve posted– posts with ambiguous date title, without name, and without identity, feels like reading a piece of old paper stored in a drifting that smells of sand and sea.
Or maybe it feels like reading a forgotten diary with smudged letters and torn pages that is only discovered at some random, old, abandoned house.
I do not know what people might think about my writings.
Some of them did give their feedbacks, about how personal and soothing my writings are, about how raw, and how real the emotions inside them are.
It kind of struck me.
I didn’t think that people would react to my writings that way.
Maybe the reason why I was being completely and entirely honest was, and is, because I am writing this without any danger of being known to people.
I mean, they could know this blog and me, but they will never know who I am.
Moreover, they will never know who the hell she is.
I never wrote things that only stopped at the surface.
All the intense feelings that I have, I wrote all of them while holding them closely and tightly inside my heart– all of them.
The time where my heart was shattered to pieces, and I ran away somewhere that I didn’t even remember in the middle of the night just to hide from the world.
The nights where I stayed awake thinking about here at 3 am, left with the silence that emptied my soul when I looked around me and didn’t found a single trace of her.
From those times, I know that I need to pour out these feelings somewhere.
And so I’ve been doing– I’ve been real, and I’ve been writing.
But, come to think about it, it’s kind of strange.
She was the one that got hit very hard by what happened to her.
I mean, the aftermath of what happened to her affects me as well, of course.
But, I could arguably say that, one of the reasons I write things were because I want to prove something to myself, and to the world.
And if possible, if she reads all of these things, to her.
I wanted, and still want to prove to her and to myself that I’m worth to be trusted.
Honestly? The worst things that you can say to someone when you are dating is confessing to your partner that you have trust issues.
I know that some of you get what I am saying here.
She and I were basking in the thought and feeling of a beautiful relationship.
And suddenly, poof, there you go, both of us were ripped away with the reality– with the trust issues that she has because of what happened to her.
And, again, honestly? It was not fair– not at all.
Because I think that anything that happened outside the relationship should not hinder what is happening inside one, I would arguably say that it’s for another day.
All I really wanted to say to her was,
“I know that you can’t trust anybody right now, but you can trust me. Seriously.”
I told myself that she might just want to be assured that I could be trusted.
That she could safely trust me with all her heart.
Yet, for some reason, as I wrote before, she just wasn’t able to trust me.
I know for sure that if she let me in instead of locking her doors, I could show her how to trust someone again, but she kept blocking me out.
One of the hardest part of trying to assure her is the lack of communication.
She was trying to guard her heart, and so she blocked people out– even the people who care about her the most; let me tell you that it was and still is hard to be in this position, when all I want is for her to feel safe enough to trust me completely.
I would, and definitely could go above and beyond to show her how to trust again.
Yet, at the same time, it kind of hurts me a lot that even though I will do whatever it takes for her to feel safe trusting me, there’s a possibility that she’s just won’t take the risk of trusting me and just do (trust me) that.
One thing that I’ve learned from what happened to me and her is that, after all, if you don’t have trust, you just do NOT have anything.
Maybe one of the most difficult part of being me was that I have to pay for actions that weren’t my own– actions that weren’t caused by me at all.
Yes, she failed to realize that, just because one person, or some people betrayed her trust, doesn’t mean that everyone else – in this case, me – will do the same.
She treated me like she knew that I was going to betray her trust.
Or worse– as if I already had.
Bottom line is, I know that without trust, relationships will fail miserably.
I understand that it will hurt as bad as it did when her trust was betrayed, if she learned that someone she’s worked so hard to build trust with turned out that they actually can’t be trusted and all, or maybe they just don’t have any intentions in trusting her.
I know it’s bad, and I know that it is something that she cautioned herself with.
But, arguably, it’s worth working, and she should not use her trust issues as a warning, and as an excuse to NOT to overcome the problem in the first place.
It’s just, as much as they have hurt her and broke her trust,
I just want her to know that I am not them.
I do not want to throw my words around like they do not mean a thing.
Believe me, I am trying to pour them out so they would mean a lot to you.
And, know that it’s not because it’s written– I do want my words to mean everything for you if I say them to you directly face to face.
I know that I am capable of – and should – taking responsibility for my own words.
And I know that I am always in the place to deliver promises my words entailed.
All this time, I’m trying to make sure that my feelings and my love for you will only add positivity to your life like the positivity they’ve added to mine.
And I do not, and will not ask anything in return.
Love, know that I still love you, and I still love you quietly.
Maybe there’s connection in loving you with trying to inspire people around me.
And by people around me, that includes you.
I never actually thought of trying to inspire people.
I was just honestly trying to indirectly assure you and myself that, after all that you’ve been through, I am worth to be trusted with all your heart and soul.
Other than that, I just want to be the place you come to, whenever.
I just want to be your strength when you simply can’t cope, when you come to me with the world on your shoulders– when your spine can’t carry the weight you hold.
I just want to be your hope, to be the one who doesn’t walk away when things get tough– to be the one who proves you that people can still win their wars.
I want to be the one who shows you that there are some people that will still stay during the dark times– that some people will still fight.
I want to be your light– I will love you in such a way that you will see gardens with me when all you could see at those times are cemeteries.
And all I could say right now, surrounded by this solitary moment that I’ve built for myself– the place where I love you madly and quietly,
Is that, I promise you that I will love you better and better every single day.
Love, do trust me that I will love you better,
And I will love you right.