10-08-2016.

04:28

I lost my levelheadedness for the first time since months.
Usually, I would be calm and thoughtful in giving opinions.
But, something happened today.
Something happened that made me somewhat angry and all.

This is why I hate generalization.

….

Yesterday, I was talking to those two people that I’ve known for years.
Codenamed Zeus and Hermes, as usual.
Three of us usually talk about something every morning until afternoon.
From stupid banters, to deep talks.
And yesterday there were couple of things that didn’t make sense.
Let me start with one of them.
Hermes were talking about a topic that revolved around this:

“If you’re going back with your ex, then you’re a shallow person.”

Hermes explained the reason.
He said that, usually, couple that decided to broke up, must have some incompatibilities between them.
Thus, if those two person actually have incompatibilities between them, then why bother continuing? It’s already good they broke up, don’t push the issue.
I disagree– I kind of disagree with what Hermes said.
Because maybe, for him, it was incompatibilities that made him broke up with his ex in the past, at least that must be true because he said the theory himself.
But if you look from the other side, from not-his-point-of-view, there are some things that does not actually match his reasoning.

Years ago, a colleague of mine broke up with his girlfriend at that time.
The reason was stupid, because the girl’s parents didn’t actually like the guy’s economy status at that time, yes the girl was slightly richer than the guy.
Long story short, they broke up, both feeling forced, and they knew it.
Backstreet relationship was not an option, they couldn’t stand the pressure and the feeling of having something to hide from both of their parents.
And they broke up– just like that.
Girl’s parents watched the girl closely, they didn’t let her to give him any contact whatsoever and shits, keeping their eyes closed to even her private things.
The guy, baffled from the condition, tried to actually contact the girl, which went to no avail, of course, because the girl’s parents intervened almost all the time.
In any case, they broke up.

Fast-forward to roughly 7 years after that, which is this year.
My colleague and his ex were actually back together.
And they will get married this month.
I asked him personally what happened, and what he did with the girl’s parents.
They both smiled and told me about their stories.
The girl were sad, real sad, but she determined to continue with her study and ultimately, her work, almost neglecting all the things about him.
In short, the guy did the same with the girl.
And, the peak came less than two years ago, when the girl finally at the height of her stable career, and she – according to her – did whatever it is that her father wanted from her.
So she approached her father, and bravely said that, since she has done everything that her father wants – graduated from a school that was not actually her choice and successfully achieved stable career in the company that her father wants – then it was the time for her to do something.
She wanted to be free to choose her life partner.

Her father was dumbfounded, and actually realized that he had took her life, that he had took her freedom, only to fulfill his own wishes that he projected on his daughter, and at that time, she wanted her freedom back.
It was her life, it was suppose to be her own choice.
Her parents eventually said yes.
The guy– my colleague, was at the height of his own stable career himself.
And well, things went naturally after that.
Now, back to the point, are they shallow? Are they really are shallow for going back to each other after what happened to them?
I would love to take them to Hermes for three of them to sit together and talk about what happened to them, and I really want to hear what Hermes say after that.
Because it was not all about incompatibility.

Yes, I was actually triggered because of what happened to me and her, I have to honestly say that here right now.
I didn’t actually tell them – Zeus and Hermes – what happened to me.

But did what happened to us, me and her, was about our incompatibilities?
Were what happened to my colleague and his fiance, was about their incompatibilities? Okay, this one could be argued about their parent’s incompatibilities, yes, that one might be true and all.
But it was not about our incompatibilities.
And for my colleague, his “incompatibility” with her was later resolved.
Heck, I would honestly say that it was not rather an incompatibility, not between those two people– my colleague and his fiance.

I angrily said to him that he was completely biased, because, again, he said that based on what happened to him with his exes, and not based on what could happen between two people that love each other.
He was stupidly generalizing things that should NOT be generalized.
He countered me that those things would never happen in reality.
I remarked him harshly.
I said that of course it couldn’t happen to him.
Because there were NO such things in HIS REALITY.
And, I should say, that everyone’s concept of REALITY is different.
That people, would usually judge their reality, based on what happened to them.
This is why bitter people are really, really dangerous.
They would blind their eyes to other things that could happen and that could be possible, and stick only to things that had happened to them.

Experience is good and true and IS the best teacher.
But, if something could, and had happened with other people, that is actually different from what happened to the bitter person, would they agree?
In this case, I would dare to assume that Hermes has actually tuned bitter.
Oh I know him and his skepticism, but I never thought it would be like this.
Now, if there is something like that happening to Hermes, or to people around him, would he actually DARE to say something like that couldn’t happen?
Would he say that those things actually do not make sense?
I do NOT fucking think so.

Fortunately, Zeus were trying to clear things up and did not actually add things up to the debate that I and Hermes were having.
Zeus were trying to be neutral, and said to Hermes that generalization is bad, but also said to me that my example was also bad.
Whatever, I don’t really care.

I believe Zeus understand something about what happened to me anyway.

Now, let me tell you that generalizations are usually biased, and offensive.
Some people even have a bad habit of putting a group together and judging them as one; for example, people who have careers, habits and behaviours that those people don’t agree with are usually the victims of their generalizations.
I actually am not sure what benefits generalizations have, maybe they help to get points across and opinions stated.
Although, generalizing, at its most basic level, is just learning.
We see A happen and then B happen, next time A happens, so does B.
Or we see an A that is blue, and another, and another.
So now we know, or think we do, that B always follows A, and all As are blue.
It’s how we learn the properties of the natural world, how we learn to communicate with each other, and so forth.

The problem is that we are fallible humans with only limited views of reality.
So it’s pretty bloody possible that B does not in fact follow A, some As are red, and so forth, we just haven’t seen them ourselves and everyone else we’ve heard talk about As thinks the same thing.
And well, being imprecise is informationally false.
But I guess it isn’t morally wrong, per se.
That is, until we deal with people and not letters or even words or sentences.
When we make decisions and spread perceptions that cause others to make decisions based on generalizations, the figurative red As can suffer, and all the little a s who don’t have a color yet might think they have to be blue when really that’s not the case, and that makes the fallacy all the more convincing.
And the stupid, nasty cycle goes on.
And using general language, saying “all” or “every” when you know it’s not true, for funny effect or maybe because of carelessness, can be harmful.
And let me tell you that, in some ways, it’s a LIE.
But it has its uses, and it happens to everyone.
And to say that ALL generalizing is bad would be, well, ridiculous.

There’s a joke around this that says, if someone says, “All generalizations are wrong” the sentence would contradict itself because it is a generalization.
Well, generalization can and most of the time will give you a general idea.

But the fact is: NOT everyone is the same. Just No.

So, please, don’t judge, just don’t.
You will never know what everyone else is going through.
Don’t ever, force your version of reality to someone else’s face.

Me, her, you– each of us humans have our own version of reality.

……

Dear Love,

Most people just seldom, or even never listen to others.
They don’t want to listen completely when someone talks.
Even worse, they stick to only what they know and don’t want to listen at all.
Thus, paradigm was born– usually in bitter form.
They said accepting all that someone have is a very, very great thing.
But the hard part is actually doing it.

If you ask me, was it hard to fully understand you?

Yes, Love. Of course.

Any fool can know, anyone can know about you.
But the point is to understand, and that’s something someone usually don’t want to.
I think that hate is a feeling that can only exist where there is no understanding.
But, believe me, I understand you, or at least, I am trying to.
Because, I think, understanding someone could be a life-time process.
Although that might not always be the case.
Because, well, there must always be something new that you will do every single day.
And, by that, of course I will always learn something new about you everyday.

It is honestly kind of fun to think about.
Understand you? Learning something new about you? Every single day?
Absolutely– yes, please.

Another thing, I wrote about understanding like it’s something easy.
In fact, like I wrote in my last post, I don’t even understand love.
I don’t even understand why I love you.
Hell, if someone ask me the “because” I will say to them not to seek the because.

They have to know, that in love– in my love for you, there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.
Just this one, single, love that I have for you.
That’s all I know since years ago, and nothing else.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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