31-07-2016.

11:18

What it is exactly that drive people to do awful things ?

Is it their pursue along with their passion ?
Is it their ableness to do things ?
Is it because they don’t have anything else to do ?
No.

Let me tell you while I’m in my cynical and irritated mode.

….

Years ago, I read Dante’s Inferno, the first part of book titled Divine Comedy.
An astonishing and great work, it’s currently my #1 on my favourite book list.
In early 14th century, Dante wrote this collection of poem.
Dante (selfishly) described hell and all its inhabitants.
Influenced by other mythologies and The Bible, Dante described his own version of hell like never before, with all of its horrifying punishments.
He described the sins that will be punished, mainly are written on The Bible.
In the story, Dante was accompanied by his “guide” to descend through hell, and he met people that he knew very well when they were alive and well.
On one occasion, Dante met someone, (as like he always did on his journey through his own version of hell) they talked, and one of those people said this:

“Envy and Arrogance and Avarice Are the three sparks that have all hearts enkindled”

At that time, I was thinking something like, “oh, this quote is superb.”
And thought nothing more of the certain quote.
But, after what happened just now, I suddenly remember that quote.
And remember why people do things that they do.
So, what actually happened?

She messaged me, and said:

“Guess what? The thing that you were worried about actually came true.”

I was surprised; really, really surprised.
She continued, and said that she finally understand what I said:
That in the end, if you keep doing whatever it is that you are doing just to please others and no one else – not even yourself – you will ended up hurting yourself.
I froze in my seat.
A myriad of thoughts came into my head.
Like always, the first was: “What happened to her?”
After few minutes staring at the turned off screen in my phone and thinking of her, I turned on my phone and messaged her.
Just so you lot know, the last time I messaged her was more than 2 months ago
I was trying to give her some space that she (might) needed.

Anyway, I said that I am glad that what I wrote actually helped her.
And I said I hope she’s doing whatever it is that she really, really want to do, and achieve whatever it is that she really want to achieve.
She continued by telling me that something happened.
And there she goes, telling me her story.
She told me what happened to her and the people around her.
Or maybe, a certain person that she’s been working with for months.

Long story short, she told me the story of her ex-so-called leader.
She told me on how he was being a manipulative SOAB.
Actually, she didn’t tell the story that way, but I was kind of pissed off to him from her story, so it’s only appropriate for me to call him SOAB.
Anyway,
He was actually being a boss, not a leader.
A good leader will lead his/her team, not give them instructions and order them around, there’s a very big difference between a boss and a leader.
Moreover, the person was actually (or strangely?) being a lazy-ass person that suddenly doesn’t even know and/or doesn’t even want to learn simple things.
For example, he can’t use Google Docs? In 2016?
Okay, that is fair and all, but I can’t really justify his reason of not wanting to learn on how to use it, it was just stupidly ridiculous.
I mean, he kept telling his “team” (or should I say slaves?) to open the docs filled with data, and didn’t actually want to do it by himself.
So, either he’s very, very bad with following instructions, or he was just being a complete lazy-pain-in-the-ass kind of person.
I guess it was the latter.

She said he actually made her realize that she just doesn’t really deserve to work with him– which I think, she was being so ridiculous.
Because it was him, it was that certain person that DOES NOT actually fit to work with her, that he DOES NOT deserve a person like her to work with him.
I’ve ranted a LOT of times about people around her using her kindness.
Now that – or this – is one of the truest, and the truest example ever.
That people – some people around her – are actually using her kindness.
You see, there is nothing worse than being used, except for denying it and allowing it to continue, moreover, if the person whom the kindness is being used by other people does not actually realized that he/she is being used.
My God, do I despise those kind of arseholes.

I know her, and I know her completely, about what kind of person she is.
She always being selfless almost all the time.
She loves to help people, she loves to see people happy.
She gets her happiness from helping other people.
Yet, maybe, MAYBE after that incident with that person, a certain awful thought came into her mind, and made her think different of herself.
She said to me that, the happiness that she wants, the kind of happiness that she could get when she helped people, is actually some kind of hypocrisy.

I was like, What the actual hell?
What kind of people could actually changed her way of thinking?
If any, her way of getting happiness is NOT at all related to hypocrisy.
Hypocrites are people who puts on a false appearance of virtue– a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.
Now, did she put on false appearance of virtue? No, she loves to help people, people knew she loves to help people, she actually helped people, she actually helped the arsehole; it was not a false appearance.
Now, did she act in contradiction to her stated beliefs or feelings? Again, no, she loves to help people, she gets happiness from helping people, and she actually helped people, she helped the arsehole, she behaves according to her stated belief.
One more word of her being a hypocrite and I’m going to send him straight to hell.

That certain person, actually put weighs on her little shoulder, and by weighs I mean all the weighs, without him carrying anything on his shoulders.
He, actually used her kindness, actually used her sincere help for him.
He, actually made her think differently of her actions, he made her think that her happiness that actually came from helping people might be just an act of hypocrisy.
Now tell me that the person was not the worst kind of person.
Tell me, I dare you.

So what drives him to do awful things?
Or rather: what drives people to do awful things?
The main three sins are actually have something to do with it.
First, we have Pride, that drives people to do awful lot of awful things.
With Pride, they always think that they are better.
Second, we have Envy, that drives people to think badly of others.
With Envy, they cannot accept the fact that others are better.
Third, we have Greed or Avarice, that drives people to desire awful things.
With Greed, people would prefer to have more, and more, and more of things that they forget what really are important things in life, that they want to do minimum things while still getting the maximum profit.
Now, if you ask me, which one of those resembles the certain person?
I’d say all of those three.
And that is final.

Envy was my biggest weakness.
I used to have that running in my veins– I cannot and did not want to see people reach their success, because I want it for myself, that I can’t accept the fact that others are just better and got their own parts in life.
I could proudly say that I’ve changed.
I know that I still got a lot of things ahead of me.
And I believe my hard work will not fail me, no.
There are other things like Fear, which makes people afraid that there will be others who are better than them.
Or even Selfishness, which makes people think that what matter are themselves.
And always will be themselves.

The best way of dealing with those bad qualities?
It is actually very simple, and she’s doing it:
People need to consider others better than themselves.
Although, still, they need to it in moderation.
We can’t be someone that is giving all that we have for others.
And of course, we can’t be someone that is very selfish towards others.

But, right now, I could safely say that God is actually watching over her.
That The Universe is actually doing things for her.
Because all in all, looking at the positive side, now she could be more careful on which person she’s being kind to.
She can’t go around and spread excess kindness to others.
I mean, she could, but when you do things excessively, bad things could happen.
And for her, bad things happened.

I hope, after what happened, she actually learned to see the true nature of people around her, and see which ones actually deserve her kindness.
Skeptically speaking, yes, there still might be some more people that didn’t show their true colours to her, they could maybe, someday, trying to use her, too.
But that’s just life, isn’t it? C’est la vie.
Even in trusting people, you have to brave yourself to trust people and let them prove themselves to you if they actually can not be trusted.

One thing that I really, really wish right now?
That even though I’m so far away from her, that even though I rarely talk to her, I could be the one that help her at awful times like this.
I just want her to find herself, and I just want her to be happy.
I do want to fight on so that she won’t get hurt again.
But even being an extreme idealist only go as far as the unpredictable things that people could, and maybe would do to her.

Still, I’ll watch over her.
Oh I will.

I always will.

……

Dear Love,

You did not do anything wrong.
There’s nothing wrong with being kind to people, really.
The only wrong was just the people that actually used your kindness towards them.
And NEVER ever think that what you feel– that you, being happy just by helping people, is actually related to hypocrisy.
No, Love.

Remember this: what people judge about you does not define you.
And your mistakes, do NOT define you.
Your mistake of helping the wrong person DOES NOT define you at all.
Keep that in mind, and keep that in mind always.

Now, it is time for you to do whatever it is that you want.
Be more selfish.
I know it sounds so wrong, encouraging people to be selfish.
But with you and your excessive kindness, a little selfishness couldn’t go wrong.
I believe it will actually help you to do better judgment in choosing people that you are going to work and/or involved with.
If I am allowed to be a smartass, maybe that is why you were actually eating so much, because you were trying to please yourself after what happened.
Maybe it was the way of how you try to be selfish for yourself.
No? Okay, I was being a smartass, sorry.

I haven’t really say it, and this might be unnecessary, but,
Thank you for telling me your story.
You could argue that I don’t need to thank you and all,
But, I could say that, implicitly, you were trusting me with all of that story.
And that, was something priceless.

Well, Love, it’s time for you to continue to strive on.
Be angry, cry, shout it out, take it all out.
Know that I will wrap you in my arms, and whisper to you that everything is going to be just fine, that everything is going as it is.
That The Universe is actually unfolding as it should on us, one layer at a time.
Let me repeat the thing that you already know very, very well:

I know that you’re so far away, or you could say that I’m so far away.
And practically, you might just don’t want to meet me,
Or maybe even literally talk to me.
But always, and always remember that I will always be there for you.
I, will always be there for you, no matter what.

Always.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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