27-07-2016.

05:06

It’s always like this: I can’t see the stars.
The city lights are just too damn bright.
Often, I look forward at the buildings or down at the streets.
At how quiet the night is.
I said “down”, because I’m still at the office.
I’ve just finished reading some books, and I thought, I haven’t write anything.
Come to think about it, now I think I know why I love my office.
Of why I love being in this 21st floor, turning off all the lights, and sitting beside the window while looking outside.

Of why even though I can’t see the stars, I still love the bright city lights.

….

I wrote this story before.
I woke up one night, and it was at her place.
I saw her sleeping next to me.
And her face was lit up by slight rays of light from the outside.
I sat on the bed, and slightly open the bedroom curtains.
The condition was the same: the city lights were just too damn bright.
And I wasn’t even able to see even a single star at the night sky.

But I could saw the streets.
I could saw the city lights – the street lamps, the lights from buildings – shining brightly from afar.
And it was the same quiet night, the same vacant streets.
The only difference was, she was right next to me.

Maybe that’s why I love this place.
Maybe that’s why I love sitting here, alone, in the darkness, beside the window.
Maybe that’s why I love looking at the city lights and the street lamps.
As much as I love the stars, I love her way more than them.
As much as I love the moon, I love her sleeping face better than anything.
And as much as I love the quiet night, I love the sound of her silly snore better.

Does she think of me at times like this?
I mean, I know, what are the chances of her sitting quietly in the darkness and looking outside the window, looking at the city lights, while contemplating about something God-knows-what?
Does she sometimes stares at the night sky and at least think about me?
I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll get to know about it anytime soon.
The thing is, now I know why I subconsciously love the starless night sky.

Come to think of it, the thing that I was afraid of actually comes true.
At that time, when I was looking outside the window at her place, all I could think was about how perfect my life is; that she completes me;
That I just don’t want anyone else in my life but her.
And I was afraid that I might lose that night.
I was afraid that, someday, I might miss the moment.
The devils must be cheering and laughing at me right now.

Because, I really, really miss that moment right now– I really do.
And come to think of it again, I think I subconsciously miss it every single day.
Because which sane person would actually sit alone in the dark, drinking tea, writing things, looking outside the window, and missing someone every single day?
I read randomly somewhere, that the only people awake at 3 A.M are either in love, drunk, lonely, or all of three– now those words are somewhat bullcrap.
What of me? It’s way past 3 AM.

And right now, I’m (still) in love, and still missing her.
I don’t know, I just.. Miss her. That’s that.

Let me talk about something related to Game of Thrones.
Yes, I watched them all.
Yes, I read the book.
And yes, I will tell slight spoilers.
There’s this one character, named Jaime Lannister.
In one scene, he was talking to his prisoner.
And he was describing his love to.. Well, the woman that he loves, of course.

He told his prisoner about how she admired a certain woman (not the woman that he loves) because of the things that the woman would do for her children.
He said that that kind of woman would do anything to protect their children.
They would start a war, they would burn cities to ash.
Things – even awful things – that they would do for love.
And he described on how he loves his love.
And he, would actually do anything for her.
He would even kill every single person in his prisoner’s clan – or house – just so he could end the war and get back to his love because he knew that she needed him.

The scene actually startled me.
It was wicked, awful, but also honest.
You lot could argue that Jaime was actually saying that because he wanted to brainwash and intimidate the certain prisoner– because he wanted him to give up.
And yes, it actually worked.
But that was not the point for me, it was not the thing that amazed me.
It was because he was more than ready to give anything for his love.
And right now, right now I can’t stop thinking about it.
This moment, no matter how similar it is to how it was, it won’t ever be the same.
She’s not sleeping next to me, I’m not in her bed, and I don’t even hear any snores.

But I would do anything in my power just so I could get that moment once again.
That moment was perfect– it really was.
I would do anything just to be able to have that moment every single night.
I would do anything to be able to sleep next to her and hear her snoring.
I really goddamn would.

Oh, the things that we do for love.

The things that I would do for love.

……

Dear Love,

When I say I would do anything for the moment, it was not just about the moment.
It was all about you.
The moment was would literally meant nothing if it was without you.

You.
I just want you, you with all that you have.

I want you even when you’re disheveled.
With everything and all the reasons that wake you up in haste.
And the demons that won’t let you sleep.

I want to make you feel safe.
I could consume this world if I walk hand in hand with you,
As if nothing really matters anymore– anything but you.
You, I will make every embrace of mine to you a perfect match with your skin.

I want to do the dance with you.
Silly dance, romantic dance, anything, and everything.
For whenever I get close with you, and whenever I look at you, I go to paradise.
Know that I will never get tired of studying your expressions up close.
Give me every single silly face that you have.
And see that I will love every single one of them.

I want to sing with you– oh I’ll listen to you singing.
Even when you are embarrassed of your own voice.
For I will support you when you feel shame,
I will respect your freedom.
And I will fly with you, without even the slightest fear of falling.

Above all, I will take away all the lies.
And I will bring you hope, poetry, and even tea in the morning.
Mostly the tea, of course.

Just so I could remind you of the tea kiss we had that one perfect morning.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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