24-07-2016.

23:51

Half a year ago, I created a switch.
A switch – more like a toggle – that controls my heart.
Whenever I turn it on, I would hardly hear what my heart says.
I would hardly feel the things that I am supposed to feel.
But the dam could only hold so much.
Usually at times, I would turn the switch off. And I would start to feel every single feeling that I’ve hold back since days, or even weeks ago.
It would came in rush, like a sudden, massive flood inside of me.
And now, I need to turn the switch off.
I need to let my heart loose.

I’ve been a robot for far too long.

….

I was walking around the town with a co-worker.
He wanted to but a certain fiz that only could be found in certain store.
I wasn’t exactly sure why he went quite far just for a mere fiz.
Anyway, we were walking and discussing random things.
When suddenly my phone screen popped up.

It was from her.

I literally froze in place.
I abruptly stopped walking and stared at the notification in disbelief.
Thousands of question came to my mind,
The first being: “What is happening?”
I opened the message, and it was a YouTube video link.
It was Adele’s song titled Million Years Ago.
I immediately plugged in my earphone and listened to the song.
And yes, I was still standing in one same place,
With my co-worker looking at me and wondering what was going on.

She once told me that if she gives me a song then its about the lyrics.
And so, I tried to figure out the meaning behind the song.
The song was – according to me – mainly about a bleak, and somber life.
About how someone feels like their life is passing by.
I couldn’t help but think about one post I posted earlier this month.
About me being in Uber cab, and thinking about that line.
About how afraid I am that my life will pass me by.
About how I want to ask her that does she think time will pass us by.

And I guess she answered that question even before I ask her.

So, back to my co-worker. He asked me what’s going on.
And I answered him with some random words:
“Something. No. Something happened. Aphrodite. Yes”
He looked at me with cringelike face.
And I told him that we should continue walking.
And, like always, weird events happened.
This time, there were two weird events happened.

Suddenly, when we were talking about random stuffs, my co-worker asked me about something that was not so random, at least for me.
He asked me if I’ve ever felt regret before.
I asked why, well, he didn’t answer.
He asked me further if I am happy right now.
I said to him that I could be happier.
Why, he asked me; But I didn’t answer him.
Yes, I didn’t answer him that I could be happier with her beside me.

Fast forward to last night.
It was around 1 AM, I was writing things and thinking of songs.
Song that I could give her to reply to that thing.
Suddenly, one of my friend from Japan contacted me.
She asked me if I want to talk and all because she can’t sleep.
I said okay, and told her that I’m writing.

We were talking about random things.
And she asked me where I was because it was so quiet and all.
And I answered that I was at the office.
She asked me what the hell I was doing at the office.
And I said that I was working a little bit and that is all.
Now, her next question really bugged me.
Because she asked me almost the EXACT same thing as my coworker asked.

She asked me about my workload.
And I said that I am good, I am very good about my work.
I explained to her that it might be true that sometimes (or maybe quite often) I bury myself under my work, with fear that I might slip things– that I might miss everything besides me.
That life might pass me by.
And she said to me that if I am not happy, then I should do something.
That perhaps I should bail the hell out.
I was dumbfounded.

What the hell, Universe?

It was not about me, it really was not.
I know that there was something about her.
At least there might be, or maybe she was just wanted to share the song.
But how the hell it felt so orchestrated?
That it felt like people around me are giving me answers that I want?
That people around me are making me thinking things related to her?

I remember 4 years ago I was working in a certain company.
My boss was super ambitious, and he loved to belittle people.
And I was really underpaid.
I stayed for 6 months, and then I bailed out.
Mainly because I couldn’t stand the work environment.
My former coworkers were horrible, and they can only be matched with my horrible former boss. Really.
Well, I was kinda hoping that Universe could give me the right song.
Yet, I spent my last night and this morning, found nothing.
Well, doesn’t matter.

All I actually wanted to say was,
That people have been there, they might haven’t, but I kind of believe that people will experience this kind of thing at least once.
Where they feel like everything feels so wrong.
That everything feels so, so off from what they wanted in the first place.
Now IF she really feels this way, then..
I just want to tell her that there’s still so much going on.
That there is still so much that she can do.
That it’s NOT the end of everything.
That the sky is still blue, the ground is still brown.
That she could always strive on, that if she wants to she could get out of her comfort zone, that she could still do things that she wants to do.

That she still have me, of all people, that she could count on anytime.

Now, I don’t know it’s because of stubbornness or whatever it is about her that keeps her going on and on besides her stressfulness,
But I couldn’t help but think that she’s just like me.
Me, that caged my feelings at most times.
Me, that developed a switch for my feelings.
Me, that let my heart loose sometimes.
And I couldn’t help but think that she should let loose of her feelings.
That maybe she should do whatever it is that her heart says.
That she should just flip off her switch right now.

That she just don’t have to shoulder all of it– all that, well, whatever it is that she is currently shouldering right now.
And I believe it’s as weight as the weigh of the goddamn world.

Oh how I wish I could form a better words to say to her besides these stupid ramblings in the form of one long stupid posts.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry that I did not respond.
Really, I was about to reply you with another YouTube video.
But I ended up found nothing, and I just don’t want to say anything.
Because I might misinterpret the thing that you want to say to me.
Whether that you want to say the things that is in the song, (because I remember you said that it’s always about the lyrics)
Or whether that you just wanted to share me the acoustic song.

Actually, I played and sang the song yesterday.
Perhaps I should play it and sing it and record it for you?

Okay, I won’t dive further to the song-thing.
I just wanted to say, that maybe, MAYBE, you need to live up a bit.
That it is time for you to do whatever it is that you want.
That it is the time for you to be selfish.
That it is the time for you, to put down all the weighs people put on your shoulder, and start to do whatever it is that you want.
Unless, that is the thing that you really want right now.

Love, there is always something that you could do.
And there is NO such thing as being too late.
You could always open your heart and listen to its sounds.
Oh I just want to wrap you in my arms and whisper to you that everything is going to be okay, it really is going to be okay.
Now, I know you’re so far away, and practically, you might just don’t want to meet me, or even talk to me right now.
But always remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what.

Always.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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