31-07-2016.

11:18

What it is exactly that drive people to do awful things ?

Is it their pursue along with their passion ?
Is it their ableness to do things ?
Is it because they don’t have anything else to do ?
No.

Let me tell you while I’m in my cynical and irritated mode.

….

Years ago, I read Dante’s Inferno, the first part of book titled Divine Comedy.
An astonishing and great work, it’s currently my #1 on my favourite book list.
In early 14th century, Dante wrote this collection of poem.
Dante (selfishly) described hell and all its inhabitants.
Influenced by other mythologies and The Bible, Dante described his own version of hell like never before, with all of its horrifying punishments.
He described the sins that will be punished, mainly are written on The Bible.
In the story, Dante was accompanied by his “guide” to descend through hell, and he met people that he knew very well when they were alive and well.
On one occasion, Dante met someone, (as like he always did on his journey through his own version of hell) they talked, and one of those people said this:

“Envy and Arrogance and Avarice Are the three sparks that have all hearts enkindled”

At that time, I was thinking something like, “oh, this quote is superb.”
And thought nothing more of the certain quote.
But, after what happened just now, I suddenly remember that quote.
And remember why people do things that they do.
So, what actually happened?

She messaged me, and said:

“Guess what? The thing that you were worried about actually came true.”

I was surprised; really, really surprised.
She continued, and said that she finally understand what I said:
That in the end, if you keep doing whatever it is that you are doing just to please others and no one else – not even yourself – you will ended up hurting yourself.
I froze in my seat.
A myriad of thoughts came into my head.
Like always, the first was: “What happened to her?”
After few minutes staring at the turned off screen in my phone and thinking of her, I turned on my phone and messaged her.
Just so you lot know, the last time I messaged her was more than 2 months ago
I was trying to give her some space that she (might) needed.

Anyway, I said that I am glad that what I wrote actually helped her.
And I said I hope she’s doing whatever it is that she really, really want to do, and achieve whatever it is that she really want to achieve.
She continued by telling me that something happened.
And there she goes, telling me her story.
She told me what happened to her and the people around her.
Or maybe, a certain person that she’s been working with for months.

Long story short, she told me the story of her ex-so-called leader.
She told me on how he was being a manipulative SOAB.
Actually, she didn’t tell the story that way, but I was kind of pissed off to him from her story, so it’s only appropriate for me to call him SOAB.
Anyway,
He was actually being a boss, not a leader.
A good leader will lead his/her team, not give them instructions and order them around, there’s a very big difference between a boss and a leader.
Moreover, the person was actually (or strangely?) being a lazy-ass person that suddenly doesn’t even know and/or doesn’t even want to learn simple things.
For example, he can’t use Google Docs? In 2016?
Okay, that is fair and all, but I can’t really justify his reason of not wanting to learn on how to use it, it was just stupidly ridiculous.
I mean, he kept telling his “team” (or should I say slaves?) to open the docs filled with data, and didn’t actually want to do it by himself.
So, either he’s very, very bad with following instructions, or he was just being a complete lazy-pain-in-the-ass kind of person.
I guess it was the latter.

She said he actually made her realize that she just doesn’t really deserve to work with him– which I think, she was being so ridiculous.
Because it was him, it was that certain person that DOES NOT actually fit to work with her, that he DOES NOT deserve a person like her to work with him.
I’ve ranted a LOT of times about people around her using her kindness.
Now that – or this – is one of the truest, and the truest example ever.
That people – some people around her – are actually using her kindness.
You see, there is nothing worse than being used, except for denying it and allowing it to continue, moreover, if the person whom the kindness is being used by other people does not actually realized that he/she is being used.
My God, do I despise those kind of arseholes.

I know her, and I know her completely, about what kind of person she is.
She always being selfless almost all the time.
She loves to help people, she loves to see people happy.
She gets her happiness from helping other people.
Yet, maybe, MAYBE after that incident with that person, a certain awful thought came into her mind, and made her think different of herself.
She said to me that, the happiness that she wants, the kind of happiness that she could get when she helped people, is actually some kind of hypocrisy.

I was like, What the actual hell?
What kind of people could actually changed her way of thinking?
If any, her way of getting happiness is NOT at all related to hypocrisy.
Hypocrites are people who puts on a false appearance of virtue– a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.
Now, did she put on false appearance of virtue? No, she loves to help people, people knew she loves to help people, she actually helped people, she actually helped the arsehole; it was not a false appearance.
Now, did she act in contradiction to her stated beliefs or feelings? Again, no, she loves to help people, she gets happiness from helping people, and she actually helped people, she helped the arsehole, she behaves according to her stated belief.
One more word of her being a hypocrite and I’m going to send him straight to hell.

That certain person, actually put weighs on her little shoulder, and by weighs I mean all the weighs, without him carrying anything on his shoulders.
He, actually used her kindness, actually used her sincere help for him.
He, actually made her think differently of her actions, he made her think that her happiness that actually came from helping people might be just an act of hypocrisy.
Now tell me that the person was not the worst kind of person.
Tell me, I dare you.

So what drives him to do awful things?
Or rather: what drives people to do awful things?
The main three sins are actually have something to do with it.
First, we have Pride, that drives people to do awful lot of awful things.
With Pride, they always think that they are better.
Second, we have Envy, that drives people to think badly of others.
With Envy, they cannot accept the fact that others are better.
Third, we have Greed or Avarice, that drives people to desire awful things.
With Greed, people would prefer to have more, and more, and more of things that they forget what really are important things in life, that they want to do minimum things while still getting the maximum profit.
Now, if you ask me, which one of those resembles the certain person?
I’d say all of those three.
And that is final.

Envy was my biggest weakness.
I used to have that running in my veins– I cannot and did not want to see people reach their success, because I want it for myself, that I can’t accept the fact that others are just better and got their own parts in life.
I could proudly say that I’ve changed.
I know that I still got a lot of things ahead of me.
And I believe my hard work will not fail me, no.
There are other things like Fear, which makes people afraid that there will be others who are better than them.
Or even Selfishness, which makes people think that what matter are themselves.
And always will be themselves.

The best way of dealing with those bad qualities?
It is actually very simple, and she’s doing it:
People need to consider others better than themselves.
Although, still, they need to it in moderation.
We can’t be someone that is giving all that we have for others.
And of course, we can’t be someone that is very selfish towards others.

But, right now, I could safely say that God is actually watching over her.
That The Universe is actually doing things for her.
Because all in all, looking at the positive side, now she could be more careful on which person she’s being kind to.
She can’t go around and spread excess kindness to others.
I mean, she could, but when you do things excessively, bad things could happen.
And for her, bad things happened.

I hope, after what happened, she actually learned to see the true nature of people around her, and see which ones actually deserve her kindness.
Skeptically speaking, yes, there still might be some more people that didn’t show their true colours to her, they could maybe, someday, trying to use her, too.
But that’s just life, isn’t it? C’est la vie.
Even in trusting people, you have to brave yourself to trust people and let them prove themselves to you if they actually can not be trusted.

One thing that I really, really wish right now?
That even though I’m so far away from her, that even though I rarely talk to her, I could be the one that help her at awful times like this.
I just want her to find herself, and I just want her to be happy.
I do want to fight on so that she won’t get hurt again.
But even being an extreme idealist only go as far as the unpredictable things that people could, and maybe would do to her.

Still, I’ll watch over her.
Oh I will.

I always will.

……

Dear Love,

You did not do anything wrong.
There’s nothing wrong with being kind to people, really.
The only wrong was just the people that actually used your kindness towards them.
And NEVER ever think that what you feel– that you, being happy just by helping people, is actually related to hypocrisy.
No, Love.

Remember this: what people judge about you does not define you.
And your mistakes, do NOT define you.
Your mistake of helping the wrong person DOES NOT define you at all.
Keep that in mind, and keep that in mind always.

Now, it is time for you to do whatever it is that you want.
Be more selfish.
I know it sounds so wrong, encouraging people to be selfish.
But with you and your excessive kindness, a little selfishness couldn’t go wrong.
I believe it will actually help you to do better judgment in choosing people that you are going to work and/or involved with.
If I am allowed to be a smartass, maybe that is why you were actually eating so much, because you were trying to please yourself after what happened.
Maybe it was the way of how you try to be selfish for yourself.
No? Okay, I was being a smartass, sorry.

I haven’t really say it, and this might be unnecessary, but,
Thank you for telling me your story.
You could argue that I don’t need to thank you and all,
But, I could say that, implicitly, you were trusting me with all of that story.
And that, was something priceless.

Well, Love, it’s time for you to continue to strive on.
Be angry, cry, shout it out, take it all out.
Know that I will wrap you in my arms, and whisper to you that everything is going to be just fine, that everything is going as it is.
That The Universe is actually unfolding as it should on us, one layer at a time.
Let me repeat the thing that you already know very, very well:

I know that you’re so far away, or you could say that I’m so far away.
And practically, you might just don’t want to meet me,
Or maybe even literally talk to me.
But always, and always remember that I will always be there for you.
I, will always be there for you, no matter what.

Always.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

imageedit_1_5242543071

Sonnet 17.

 
What should she say and how should she begin,
When all she feels requires no words at all?
Do they know of her silence deep within?
Of all her struggle– of her rise and fall?
It is a rather vile and dreadful thing!
To feel so much and keep them all inside,
To lose your voice and unable to sing,
To keep yourself behind your walls and hide.
Does she cover herself under the stars,
And think of the chaos inside her heart?
Is she afraid of me seeing her scars,
And consider herself as one failed art?
            Does she know that even she’s in pieces,
            I will still love her for all that she is?

 

V.A.C.W.
06:55

 

So what if you have beaten and scarred?
I think your scars and wounds are beautiful.
And I will love them,
Just as I would love every sing inch of you.
I would fight on so that you may heal,
Just like I would fight on so that you won’t hurt again.

Wither.

.. And I still look for you every single night,
Between the bright moon and the city lights.
Scouring through shadows, covered in darkness,
Thoughts flow– fading away into nothingness.

For in your absence– the instrument of my woe,
I shiver– I tremble, out of despair and sorrow;
With desolate stillness between my days and hours,
I crave– I ache, for sunshines and flowers.

Without you, every spring is an icy, bleak winter.
Without
                            you,

                                                   I

                                                                      wither.

 

V.A.C.W.
02:34

 

People say absence only sharpens love.
Oh it might make my heart go insane sometimes,
But know that this love is not an plain, ordinary, love.
If it was, it would’ve gone since long, long time ago.
For absence diminishes mediocre passions,
And increases the great ones,
As the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.

27-07-2016.

05:06

It’s always like this: I can’t see the stars.
The city lights are just too damn bright.
Often, I look forward at the buildings or down at the streets.
At how quiet the night is.
I said “down”, because I’m still at the office.
I’ve just finished reading some books, and I thought, I haven’t write anything.
Come to think about it, now I think I know why I love my office.
Of why I love being in this 21st floor, turning off all the lights, and sitting beside the window while looking outside.

Of why even though I can’t see the stars, I still love the bright city lights.

….

I wrote this story before.
I woke up one night, and it was at her place.
I saw her sleeping next to me.
And her face was lit up by slight rays of light from the outside.
I sat on the bed, and slightly open the bedroom curtains.
The condition was the same: the city lights were just too damn bright.
And I wasn’t even able to see even a single star at the night sky.

But I could saw the streets.
I could saw the city lights – the street lamps, the lights from buildings – shining brightly from afar.
And it was the same quiet night, the same vacant streets.
The only difference was, she was right next to me.

Maybe that’s why I love this place.
Maybe that’s why I love sitting here, alone, in the darkness, beside the window.
Maybe that’s why I love looking at the city lights and the street lamps.
As much as I love the stars, I love her way more than them.
As much as I love the moon, I love her sleeping face better than anything.
And as much as I love the quiet night, I love the sound of her silly snore better.

Does she think of me at times like this?
I mean, I know, what are the chances of her sitting quietly in the darkness and looking outside the window, looking at the city lights, while contemplating about something God-knows-what?
Does she sometimes stares at the night sky and at least think about me?
I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll get to know about it anytime soon.
The thing is, now I know why I subconsciously love the starless night sky.

Come to think of it, the thing that I was afraid of actually comes true.
At that time, when I was looking outside the window at her place, all I could think was about how perfect my life is; that she completes me;
That I just don’t want anyone else in my life but her.
And I was afraid that I might lose that night.
I was afraid that, someday, I might miss the moment.
The devils must be cheering and laughing at me right now.

Because, I really, really miss that moment right now– I really do.
And come to think of it again, I think I subconsciously miss it every single day.
Because which sane person would actually sit alone in the dark, drinking tea, writing things, looking outside the window, and missing someone every single day?
I read randomly somewhere, that the only people awake at 3 A.M are either in love, drunk, lonely, or all of three– now those words are somewhat bullcrap.
What of me? It’s way past 3 AM.

And right now, I’m (still) in love, and still missing her.
I don’t know, I just.. Miss her. That’s that.

Let me talk about something related to Game of Thrones.
Yes, I watched them all.
Yes, I read the book.
And yes, I will tell slight spoilers.
There’s this one character, named Jaime Lannister.
In one scene, he was talking to his prisoner.
And he was describing his love to.. Well, the woman that he loves, of course.

He told his prisoner about how she admired a certain woman (not the woman that he loves) because of the things that the woman would do for her children.
He said that that kind of woman would do anything to protect their children.
They would start a war, they would burn cities to ash.
Things – even awful things – that they would do for love.
And he described on how he loves his love.
And he, would actually do anything for her.
He would even kill every single person in his prisoner’s clan – or house – just so he could end the war and get back to his love because he knew that she needed him.

The scene actually startled me.
It was wicked, awful, but also honest.
You lot could argue that Jaime was actually saying that because he wanted to brainwash and intimidate the certain prisoner– because he wanted him to give up.
And yes, it actually worked.
But that was not the point for me, it was not the thing that amazed me.
It was because he was more than ready to give anything for his love.
And right now, right now I can’t stop thinking about it.
This moment, no matter how similar it is to how it was, it won’t ever be the same.
She’s not sleeping next to me, I’m not in her bed, and I don’t even hear any snores.

But I would do anything in my power just so I could get that moment once again.
That moment was perfect– it really was.
I would do anything just to be able to have that moment every single night.
I would do anything to be able to sleep next to her and hear her snoring.
I really goddamn would.

Oh, the things that we do for love.

The things that I would do for love.

……

Dear Love,

When I say I would do anything for the moment, it was not just about the moment.
It was all about you.
The moment was would literally meant nothing if it was without you.

You.
I just want you, you with all that you have.

I want you even when you’re disheveled.
With everything and all the reasons that wake you up in haste.
And the demons that won’t let you sleep.

I want to make you feel safe.
I could consume this world if I walk hand in hand with you,
As if nothing really matters anymore– anything but you.
You, I will make every embrace of mine to you a perfect match with your skin.

I want to do the dance with you.
Silly dance, romantic dance, anything, and everything.
For whenever I get close with you, and whenever I look at you, I go to paradise.
Know that I will never get tired of studying your expressions up close.
Give me every single silly face that you have.
And see that I will love every single one of them.

I want to sing with you– oh I’ll listen to you singing.
Even when you are embarrassed of your own voice.
For I will support you when you feel shame,
I will respect your freedom.
And I will fly with you, without even the slightest fear of falling.

Above all, I will take away all the lies.
And I will bring you hope, poetry, and even tea in the morning.
Mostly the tea, of course.

Just so I could remind you of the tea kiss we had that one perfect morning.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

tumblr_nwanfkzPeJ1u7ywh8o1_1280.png

26-07-2016.

 

You might have rough edges where others are polished,
Thorns in places I am told should only bear flowers,
And cracks that could break apart at anytime.

Oh, loving you is certainly not for the faint of heart.

But you DO understand how I love you.
You do know that I’m going to love you for all that you are,
And I’m going to take you, as you are.

So unload your mind on me.
Whenever you have problems, or anything–
Every single thing that you might need to sort out.
Know that you, are safe enough here.
And know that I will hold all the pieces that you bring to me.

And I will help you in setting them back together.

Because Love, you are the artist of your existence.
So let us color the canvas of your destiny,
And let us mold the shape of your reality.

Love, never forget that above all else,
Your life is a masterpiece of your own creating.

In the room full of paintings,
You, will be the only miraculous masterpiece
That I can’t stop staring at.

You, are a work of art.
With your life as a poetry,
And you, as the most beautiful poem.

So hold your head up high,
Know that your beauty isn’t define by the mistakes you made,
And it is not the one that smacks you across the face–
The one that is plastered on magazine covers.

And know that everything- every bad thing people say about you,
Are actually the real definition of their own foolish self.
Remember: the way they use their words speaks volumes about them.

Let those illiterates say whatever shits they want to say.

 

04:06

 

24-07-2016.

23:51

Half a year ago, I created a switch.
A switch – more like a toggle – that controls my heart.
Whenever I turn it on, I would hardly hear what my heart says.
I would hardly feel the things that I am supposed to feel.
But the dam could only hold so much.
Usually at times, I would turn the switch off. And I would start to feel every single feeling that I’ve hold back since days, or even weeks ago.
It would came in rush, like a sudden, massive flood inside of me.
And now, I need to turn the switch off.
I need to let my heart loose.

I’ve been a robot for far too long.

….

I was walking around the town with a co-worker.
He wanted to but a certain fiz that only could be found in certain store.
I wasn’t exactly sure why he went quite far just for a mere fiz.
Anyway, we were walking and discussing random things.
When suddenly my phone screen popped up.

It was from her.

I literally froze in place.
I abruptly stopped walking and stared at the notification in disbelief.
Thousands of question came to my mind,
The first being: “What is happening?”
I opened the message, and it was a YouTube video link.
It was Adele’s song titled Million Years Ago.
I immediately plugged in my earphone and listened to the song.
And yes, I was still standing in one same place,
With my co-worker looking at me and wondering what was going on.

She once told me that if she gives me a song then its about the lyrics.
And so, I tried to figure out the meaning behind the song.
The song was – according to me – mainly about a bleak, and somber life.
About how someone feels like their life is passing by.
I couldn’t help but think about one post I posted earlier this month.
About me being in Uber cab, and thinking about that line.
About how afraid I am that my life will pass me by.
About how I want to ask her that does she think time will pass us by.

And I guess she answered that question even before I ask her.

So, back to my co-worker. He asked me what’s going on.
And I answered him with some random words:
“Something. No. Something happened. Aphrodite. Yes”
He looked at me with cringelike face.
And I told him that we should continue walking.
And, like always, weird events happened.
This time, there were two weird events happened.

Suddenly, when we were talking about random stuffs, my co-worker asked me about something that was not so random, at least for me.
He asked me if I’ve ever felt regret before.
I asked why, well, he didn’t answer.
He asked me further if I am happy right now.
I said to him that I could be happier.
Why, he asked me; But I didn’t answer him.
Yes, I didn’t answer him that I could be happier with her beside me.

Fast forward to last night.
It was around 1 AM, I was writing things and thinking of songs.
Song that I could give her to reply to that thing.
Suddenly, one of my friend from Japan contacted me.
She asked me if I want to talk and all because she can’t sleep.
I said okay, and told her that I’m writing.

We were talking about random things.
And she asked me where I was because it was so quiet and all.
And I answered that I was at the office.
She asked me what the hell I was doing at the office.
And I said that I was working a little bit and that is all.
Now, her next question really bugged me.
Because she asked me almost the EXACT same thing as my coworker asked.

She asked me about my workload.
And I said that I am good, I am very good about my work.
I explained to her that it might be true that sometimes (or maybe quite often) I bury myself under my work, with fear that I might slip things– that I might miss everything besides me.
That life might pass me by.
And she said to me that if I am not happy, then I should do something.
That perhaps I should bail the hell out.
I was dumbfounded.

What the hell, Universe?

It was not about me, it really was not.
I know that there was something about her.
At least there might be, or maybe she was just wanted to share the song.
But how the hell it felt so orchestrated?
That it felt like people around me are giving me answers that I want?
That people around me are making me thinking things related to her?

I remember 4 years ago I was working in a certain company.
My boss was super ambitious, and he loved to belittle people.
And I was really underpaid.
I stayed for 6 months, and then I bailed out.
Mainly because I couldn’t stand the work environment.
My former coworkers were horrible, and they can only be matched with my horrible former boss. Really.
Well, I was kinda hoping that Universe could give me the right song.
Yet, I spent my last night and this morning, found nothing.
Well, doesn’t matter.

All I actually wanted to say was,
That people have been there, they might haven’t, but I kind of believe that people will experience this kind of thing at least once.
Where they feel like everything feels so wrong.
That everything feels so, so off from what they wanted in the first place.
Now IF she really feels this way, then..
I just want to tell her that there’s still so much going on.
That there is still so much that she can do.
That it’s NOT the end of everything.
That the sky is still blue, the ground is still brown.
That she could always strive on, that if she wants to she could get out of her comfort zone, that she could still do things that she wants to do.

That she still have me, of all people, that she could count on anytime.

Now, I don’t know it’s because of stubbornness or whatever it is about her that keeps her going on and on besides her stressfulness,
But I couldn’t help but think that she’s just like me.
Me, that caged my feelings at most times.
Me, that developed a switch for my feelings.
Me, that let my heart loose sometimes.
And I couldn’t help but think that she should let loose of her feelings.
That maybe she should do whatever it is that her heart says.
That she should just flip off her switch right now.

That she just don’t have to shoulder all of it– all that, well, whatever it is that she is currently shouldering right now.
And I believe it’s as weight as the weigh of the goddamn world.

Oh how I wish I could form a better words to say to her besides these stupid ramblings in the form of one long stupid posts.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry that I did not respond.
Really, I was about to reply you with another YouTube video.
But I ended up found nothing, and I just don’t want to say anything.
Because I might misinterpret the thing that you want to say to me.
Whether that you want to say the things that is in the song, (because I remember you said that it’s always about the lyrics)
Or whether that you just wanted to share me the acoustic song.

Actually, I played and sang the song yesterday.
Perhaps I should play it and sing it and record it for you?

Okay, I won’t dive further to the song-thing.
I just wanted to say, that maybe, MAYBE, you need to live up a bit.
That it is time for you to do whatever it is that you want.
That it is the time for you to be selfish.
That it is the time for you, to put down all the weighs people put on your shoulder, and start to do whatever it is that you want.
Unless, that is the thing that you really want right now.

Love, there is always something that you could do.
And there is NO such thing as being too late.
You could always open your heart and listen to its sounds.
Oh I just want to wrap you in my arms and whisper to you that everything is going to be okay, it really is going to be okay.
Now, I know you’re so far away, and practically, you might just don’t want to meet me, or even talk to me right now.
But always remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what.

Always.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

asdasda

23-07-2016.

05:08

I know loving is not easy– it definitely is not.
Everyone could say they love someone.
They have their rights to speak,
And they have their rights to craft words out of their mouth.
Love is cheap– oh it’s very, very cheap.

But only if it comes in form of a word.

….

Not everyone could put love into action.
Not everyone – and most people don’t – could love.
Oh they could do everything in the name of love.
They could do whatever they like and get away with it afterwards.
They could do abusive things to the people that they ‘love’.
And they would justify their actions by saying words of love.
They would say something like: “Oh I’m sorry, but I still love you.”
No. I beg for something different from that goddamn crap.

It’s not love.
It’s a fucking cruel way of manipulating someone.
And sadly, it happens every single day.
More people need to know that abusive behavior is not acceptable.
That they need to understand not to tolerate them in the name of love.
Because love – again – is NOT manipulative.
In fact, love comes when manipulation stops.
Love comes when you think about other person more than yourself.
Love comes when you dare to reveal yourself and be vulnerable.
And I do NOT see in any way how abusive things could be called love.

Love is not abusive.
Now I really want to punch a certain someone in his face.
I want to punch him and tell him that what he did was not love.
I want to punch him and tell him that he’s better off dead.

Because abusive behavior should not be tolerated.
Why does a man even doing abusive things to woman that he “loves” is beyond me.
No, his arms should not be used for those kinds of things.
It should be used to remind his woman of her home.
Now I don’t know about him.
And I just don’t know about other people.
But all I know is this:

I just want to be the one whose arms she runs to.
Whether she has the reason to rejoice, or cause to collapse.

I just want to hold her tight and remind her of her home.

……

Dear Love,

There’s a difference between accepting someone’s imperfection,
And tolerating someone’s abusive behavior in the name of love.
Let me put the former like this:
When you become a whirlwind of a person,
When you turned into a mess of bad moods,
And when you turned into a mess of even worse ideas,

Know that I will move in slowly, and I will wrap each of my arms around you.
So in an instant, you, will feel loved and understood.
So when you are blind of all else, you will see the way through me.

So I will be the rhythm to your chaos.

I just want you to rest easy, to breathe a sigh of relief in my arms.
I want to be able to carry in you– or even us, the comfort of knowing that every misery and challenge and difficult choice we ever made was simply a point on a map to each other.
Because, love, I know that it will not always be easy.
Only the most foolish fools think that kind of thoughts.
Now, ask me then why do I love you even though I knew since long, long, long, long, long time ago that it definitely won’t be easy.

I love you not because I think it will always be easy.
But because, with you, I know that even on the dreadful, wretched, luckless days-
When the troubles of the world are falling– downpours as thick, clamouring, and beating rain, I will be close to you.
I will kiss you, until you forget how terrified you are of everything that went wrong and could go wrong in your life– all of them.
Oh I will laugh, and take your hand.
And I will whisper to you, slowly, delightfully, beneath the rain:

“Come, Love. Dance with me.”
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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22-07-2016.

 

Perhaps you have been made to words:
You– the you that were so speechless and timid.

But then, you started to speak in soul-wrenching letters.
You bathe in them– you, are the poetry–
The very poetry that you are always so afraid to write.

Because, Love, you are so much more.
So much more than the laughter that was thrown on you.
You are crafted from the sweetness and kindness,
All that put those who laughed at you into shame.

You, with all your flaws– your scars– everything;
Every single thing that you see in you,
Every single thing in you that you consider imperfect.

Here, Love, let me tell you what I see:

I see galaxies in your eyes,
I see fire in your hair,
I see journeys in your palms,
And I see adventures waiting in your smile.

More importantly, I see what you cannot.

That you, Love, are absolutely,
Maddeningly,
Irrevocably perfect.

 

21-07-2016.

01:10

I remember writing about her yesterday.

I wrote about her heart– her emotional being that’s like an ocean.
Vast, deep, delicate yet powerful, mysterious yet so calming.
Now I wonder, what would it be for the people around her?
What would be the perfect categories for them ?

….

The Horrible Mountaineers.
These kind of people won’t even come to her beach.
Now I’m not saying that all Mountaineer are horrible.
It’s just the particular horrible Mountaineers.
And it’s because there are some theory about choosing between beaches or mountains as your vacation destination and it will say a lot about you.
These mountaineers, they hate her– they hate the ocean.
And they would blame her for their inability to swim.
They would blame her for their wickedness.
Oh they would practically blame her for whatever it is that turned wrong in their goddamn life– practically every single thing.

The Commons.
These are strangers.
Strangers, and people that barely know her.
The sole reason on why I defined the Mountaineers first before The Commons was merely because The Commons are FAR better than The Horrible Mountaineers.
At least these kind of people won’t even hurt her.
If one or any of them do, then they are arseholes.

The Sailors.
They are the people that won’t touch the water.
They chose to stay inside their boats.
These kind of people are her acquaintances, or maybe “surface” friends.
What’s so notable about these kind of people is that they don’t want to swim.
They won’t even make it deep to the Ocean.

The Snorkelers.
They are the people that dived into the ocean.
They might want to go deep,
But it’s their emotional inability that get them on the surface.
They don’t have the emotional capacity to carry the pressure and weight.
And if they make an attempt, they either drown, or are forced to go back to the surface for oxygen, they overwhelmed by her heart’s pressure.

The Deep Sea Divers.
They are the people that stay with her.
They will stay with her through storms and violent waters.
And they are not afraid to dive to the darkest parts of the ocean floor.
They stay with her, in the water, through the worst times.
They are not afraid to call her bullshit.
They are the people who are there for her no matter what happens.

And I guess, well, she understands well where are the people around her stands.
She might or might not understand, but I believe that she understand enough on how to put people around her– to categorize them– based on those categories.

Most importantly, I believe she understand very well where do I stand.

……

Dear Love,

Apologies about the categories.
It might or might not be true; those were just rough made-up categories.
If it’s not clear for you, I’m a Deeper Than Deep Sea Diver.
You did not read that wrong.
If there are people that do not understand on why am I on that category, let me tell you that I won’t even bother to explain to them why.
Why, Love? Why should I?

They don’t see you the way I see you.
They do NOT look into your eyes and see the world.

Why would they understand?
They can’t possibly imagine what it means to look at you, and see all their hopes and dreams come true.
I wish for once, just once, they could walk a mile in my shoes.
But they wouldn’t walk that far.
They would just take one step, and suddenly, they would take off their shoes – my shoes – off their feet and stop walking.
Because in that moment, they would’ve realized everything.

Oh they would realize that you, are my life.

And they would understand that the heart in me,
Is just the same as the heart in you.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 

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19-07-2016.

Dear Love,
 

You, are kind.

Yes, you did not read that wrong: kind.
You’re the girl who is always trying to help others.
And when you are the girl like that, you feel a lot.

You, have depths within you.
You, have an ocean for a heart.
And when people that are too scared to swim started to blame the ocean for their condition, I know that you hurt.
My God, do you hurt.

Do you ache wondering if they ever stop doing their wickedness?
Wondering if they ever feel what the hell it is that you are feeling?
Wondering if they ever hurt just as the same as the people they’ve hurt?
At time like this, I just want to ask you how you are doing.
I just want to ask you on how you are coping.

And I just want to ask on how you are healing.

I know that you, are healing yourself.
You said that to me numerous times.
You find your strength in helping people.
Not only that, you find energy in your solitude.
And you find hope in your dreams- all your dreams- even daydreams.
You build yourself up, and that’s remarkable- that’s why I’m proud of you.

But.. Do you tell yourself that you don’t need anyone to save you?
That you don’t need anyone to steady your foundation?

I daresay that you do.

Love, sometimes the girl who is always be there for everyone else-
The girl who always show her kindness – your kindness – to everyone,
She need someone to always be there for her.
I know, that sometimes, the girl who smiles the biggest hold the biggest hurt.
Sometimes the girl who encourage everyone around her – just like you do to people around you – needs to be told that she is appreciated, that she matters.
And sometimes she – you – needs to be encouraged herself.

Love, know that your heart is rare.
Know that you hold within you an ability to calm storms in people.
Know that there aren’t many who could infuse themselves with kindness like you.
You, have a beautiful gift that could relieve hurt minds.
Know that you give people around you hope,
That you inspire them by acknowledging them.
That you make people around you feel wanted.
And that, you make people around you feel like they have purpose.

However, do remember that you are not invincible.
Remember that your heart needs rest.
You, need rest.

Remind yourself constantly that you do not need to carry the weight of the world, that you do not need to carry someone else’s weight on those little shoulder of yours.
Remind yourself that you may not be able to save everyone, that you may not be able to heal every evil, every wickedness, or even every hurt.
Remind yourself that you deserve to take all of the energy you put out into the world, and invest it back into yourself from time to time.
Remind yourself, that you are worthy of the kindness you keep giving to everyone.

Remind yourself, that you do not always have to be strong.
You, do not always have to be the fixer for everyone.

I’m human, you’re human, we all are.
You need to remind yourself that you can be human sometimes.
That you could step down from being superhero for them.
That you, could ask for help.

That you do not always have to be the one to save yourself.

So Love, let me put your insecurities to sleep.
Let me remind you you are worthy, and magical.
Let me be your light in your often dim world.
Because there will be more days when you feel alone than you don’t.
I will have you know, that I exist in this world so you may know that it is on those very days when you feel the loneliest that I will love you the most.

Always remember, that I will always be there for you.
That I will be there to catch you when you fall.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.