“You are burying yourself in your work.”
I looked up to the source of the voice and gave her a straight face.
“Am I now?”
“You are. You literally stayed here overnight and haven’t done anything since other than doing your work. You have been staring at the same kind of screen since 7 P.M. last night. and it’s almost 8 A.M.”
“Aren’t you tired? Are you insane? Are you okay?”
“Oh I’m fine. I just got a lot of work that I need to finish.”
She shook her head, gave me a pat on my right shoulder, and walked away.
It was my co-worker.
She invited me to go with my other co-workers last night for a drink.
And I said no, I said that I still need to do some of my work.
And seems like I forgot to go back home.
Those questions she asked made me thinking.
Am I tired? Am I being insane? Am I Okay?
I guess the answer “no” answers those three questions.
I’m not tired, I’m not insane – at least the last time I checked I knew that I am not – and I am not okay; oh I definitely am not goddamn okay.
I began to realize that on the days where I miss her (not the co-worker) the most, I always being like this: completely put myself under my work.
And I let my work to bury me underneath them.
Honestly, writing is not helping.
I mean, it does help, in channeling out my feelings inside of me.
But, when it comes to distraction, writing does not help me at all.
Just like now.
I said to myself that I need to stop labeling my work as distraction.
But I can’t help it, oh I just can’t.
Other thing I realized is that I am going to stick to this routine for a long time:
Work, write, read, sleep – rinse, and repeat.
Maybe even for a very, very long, long time.
I never wanted everything from you.
Not the book, not the cake, not the writing.
Not even the hugs, the kisses, or the long extensive talk we had.
I just want to be your everything.
And that’s all I ever wanted from you.