17-05-2016.

04:28

And suddenly, its 4 AM.

It was a hectic Monday.
And it’s been a little while since I rant.
All I’m doing for my posts since weeks ago was just short post that describes my thoughts and feelings, and/or even poems.

And since 13:00 yesterday, I’ve been working until now.
I was about to do my first production release.
And, well, I’ve just finished it.

So what really is happening with me for the past few weeks?

Frankly speaking, nothing.

Yes, nothing, really, just simply nothing.
I mean, I work just like usual.
I work, and I work, and I work, and I work every single day.
Although, now, I would spend every Saturday night and the whole Sunday just to write things and read my unfinished book.
Well I still write everyday, but the weekend is where I devote my entire brain cells just for reading books and write things.

That being said, I should read my page about books.
Perhaps later, not right now.

You see, the real reason that I don’t rant recently is just because I don’t really have anything interesting going on in my life other than my work.
I could talk about her, but I don’t know what to talk about besides my longing and the love that I have for her, and I said it thousands of times.
Plus, it’s been a while since we talked.
Last time, I was trying to help her in search for job.
But, if there’s one things that I get from helping people searching a job by asking your co-workers to recommend someone that you know to their colleagues is:

Don’t expect too much from someone.

Well, no, I thought that I could rely on them for her job vacancy.
I mean, plenty of them got friends and colleagues that are currently working in her city, yet, they don’t really give my co-workers reply or news about the job vacancy.
I guess I understand why, and it’s not fully about expecting too much from someone.
It’s just because the link are quite far.
Think about it: It’s from her, to me, to my co-workers, and to my co-worker’s colleague, if I could draw it, then they would be pipelined like this:

Her -> Me -> My co-workers -> My co-workers’ friends and colleagues

See the pipeline above?
It’s just one of the reason why it’s so hard for me to get a job vacancy for her.
The link are just too far away.
And one more sad thing is, she didn’t tell me her credentials.
I mean, I know her credentials, I know what she is capable of.
And I already told them the best that I can.
All of them were asking about her LinkedIn profile and/or CV and/or resume.
But I don’t even have her CV and/or resume, so it was all that I could do.

I don’t know what is happening.

She’s ignoring me, since.. I don’t know, a month ago?
I tried to find something to talk about , something interesting, so I could just have something to talk about with her, so I could message her.
But my life have become so uninteresting right now.
And there is no way that I would talk to her about my work.
I think that would be the last thing that she want to hear from me – that is me ranting about things from my work, or even things that I’ve read and/or write.

Goddamnit, I’ve turned so goddamn boring.
But, whatever, I don’t really care.
And yesterday I told her these words:

“Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or even negativity stop you from being the best person you can be.”

I thought I could say something to her, at least give her a little bit of courage.
Courage to face her day and think positively about what is happening in her life.
I mean, again, I don’t really know what is happening.
And I don’t know what she is doing every single day.
So I thought, instead of saying something unimportant and uninteresting, perhaps it’s better for me to say something encouraging.
That perhaps it’s better for me to say something that will actually motivate her.

I’ve missed her a lot since yesterday.
I mean, I do miss her every single day.
But since yesterday, the longing was just so intense.
And I guess I know why.

I remember her and her ‘magic’ book.

It was a book that she wrote just for herself.
And I remember that she wrote it just to remind her whenever something happened between us.
I know that we’ve been through a lot, and there are so much thing that she wrote on the book, despite the fact that she wrote it for only, like, more than 3 months.
Yet, she said that when she read the book, she actually felt nothing.
She tried so hard to change herself, to once again able to feel love and all.

And she failed.

Those moments actually made me sad.
I don’t know. She said to me that I should continue my life and all.
And as a matter of fact, here I am, continue to live my life.
I continue to work, and work, and work, and read, and write, and do things.
And I still remember that she said she just doesn’t know what will happen between us – between me and her – in the future.

Honestly? I believe that she would one day find her way back to me.
I believe that she would one day open her magical book, and once again let her heart open to everything that she wrote in the book.

I believe that the universe has the plan for me and her.
And I believe that she’s not lost.
She’s only taking a few detours before coming back to me.

Alright, I really want to rant more things, but I’m tired.
It’s 4 AM, and I haven’t slept a wink.

Sigh.

I miss her alright.
All I could do right now is pray for her.

And hope that everything is doing alright for her.

……

Dear Love,

I miss you.

And that was the short version.
Because I just don’t know how to explain it with simpler words other than those.
But let me tell you the long version of what I am feeling right now:

I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss every bit of you. Your laugh, your crooked smile. I miss the way I hug you and the way you hug me. I miss the feeling that I get everytime I see you. Maybe we’ve known each other, maybe I’ve loved you for 7 goddamn years, but I’d still get those what they call stupid ‘butterflies’ in my stomach, even just hearing your name, I still do. I miss your silly-ness, you could always make me laugh no matter what happened to me. I miss our conversations. I miss your kiss – our kiss. I miss our deep conversations about things that happened between us. I miss having your near. Oh I could just continue this until I have a single post with more than 3000 words in it, but I guess you do understand what the hell it is that I am trying to explain to you, and that is: I miss you a LOT. I really do.

There.

I don’t really know what you feel or what do you want to feel. But you do know how I feel about you and about us, and I don’t feel the need for me to explain to you the feelings that I have for you.
Love, I just.. Want you right here right now by my side, and talking about things.
I want us to sync about things that happened in our life.

I want us to talk from sunrise to sunrise, literally, if possible.

Oh I just miss you, I miss you a goddamn lot.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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