Can I just (safely?) say that I love her so goddamn much?
I mean, I don’t know, ever since we stopped talking, my feelings have been flowing out like crazy, flowing out to words.
Or maybe, just like what John Lennon wrote in Across The Universe:
“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup.”
The thing is, I filled three notebook with my writings.
And my writings are going to the point where they become so many that I can’t really write them all down here.
I mean, I could. And I’m trying it almost every single day.
But there are also a day where I can’t really post anything because of my job.
In my defense, I still write something, at least a page, everyday.
And now I’m even on my way to filling my fourth notebook.
People say there’s no such thing as busy, there’s only a thing called priority.
That’s true, that’s perfectly true.
I mean, if I want to, I could just write how am I doing, and how am I feeling in some sort of diary-like post every single day.
But with my limited time, I was actually trying to find a way on how to communicate my feelings directly and compactly without missing any of them.
And so, as you lot might seen since weeks ago, I’ve been posting short posts.
Call them whatever you may like: prose, poems, rambles, scratches, whatever.
It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that those posts contains my truest and utmost feelings.
Especially the ones that filled with my feelings for her.
Oh I have to admit, I just can’t lie when I’m writing out my feelings using words.
Someone – my co-worker – actually argued something that I could fully relate today.
She said that someone in her life (I don’t even know who) said that if someone stares at you openly, it means that they think that you are attractive.
And I thought, well, that’s obvious as hell.
But then she continued:
She said that if someone stares at you when you are not looking, it means they are in love with you.
I kind of startled.
I mean, is that true that the ones who shows their interest in us and compliment us could be the wrong person? The ones that only love us because of our appearance?
I don’t know, I believe I used to be like that once.
We all do, we all always show our interest to the person that we attracted to.
But, let me say, when all of those does not matter, when the infatuation died, when looks are just something unimportant because you understand very, very well on what the person have inside of them,
That is when the true love stays.
Maybe that’s why I’m learning to love her in secret.
To love her silently between the sun, the moon, and the stars.
So what’s the point of those talks by my co-worker?
Because I was actually wondering if everything that I am doing – that is writing things, posting things, everything – is the sign that I am loving her in secret.
I mean, I do not directly show her the things that I wrote.
I did tell her about this blog, yes, that is true.
But I do NOT show her every single post that I made, no.
I do NOT shove my posts to her and tell her about how much I love her everyday.
I don’t think that’s the point of loving someone right now.
She knows perfectly well that I am head over heels to her.
And maybe – just maybe – she knows that I do love her not because of what she has outside; that I love her for she has inside her – her inner beauty.
I love her and her naked soul.
And, I guess, those are things that really matter the most to me right now.
Because what really matters is the feeling.
The feeling that I have – the love that I have – for her.
Sure, I might have my own difficulties when I miss her, when my feelings are brimming to the point where I can’t hold it back.
But I have my writings.
I still have my words.
And if my words are where my feelings for her will be etched forever, then just let me write to my heart’s content – let me write and pout out the love that I have for her.
This seemingly endless stream of love inside my heart and soul.
Heck, I don’t even know what I want these words of mine to do,
Other than to tell her that I love her so goddamn much.
If my love for you runs wildly within my veins,
The who the hell are going to stop me?
Who shall silence me?
Who will be dumb enough to tell me to forget all my words for you ?
And even if there’s anyone that want to crush my words,
Then I could say that they have their only interest in themselves.
They only have themselves in their heart.
That is, if they have any heart at all.
No matter what happens, I shall resist, and rise.
I might fall.
I might down on my hands and knees.
I might be downtrodden.
I might be nearly – or even already – broken.
But let me tell you that I am still human.
That I am still breathing, and alive!
And as long as there is life, there is me.
There is my heart inside this living body of mine.
And you know very well that there is still a love for you burning inside me.
Love, maybe love is not all rainbows and roses.
Maybe there’s the pain of missing you.
There’s the fear of losing you.
The horror of uncertainty.
And sometimes, even the soul-wrenching turmoil.
But I wont let them beat me.
I won’t let them make your roses wither,
Or make your rainbow fade.
I would still love you with all your thorns,
And with all your storm clouds.
Oh I will throw my voice into the stars and let the echo of my words be written for you in the dark night sky, and within the rays of the sunlight in the morning.
Love, I will love you through the darkness.
Because the darkness is not even darkness.
It really is not darkness at all – it is the absence of light.
And my darkness right now, is the absence of you.
Let me pull you down back to home.
Let me wrap you up in my arms.
Let me wash away all that was hurting.
Let me remind you that I am still here.
Let me sooth you like the rain.
Listen to me tapping against your window.
Listen to me telling you how you are my favourite flower.
Let me move the Earth and its elements for you.
Let me move to the top of tall snow-laden mountains.
Let me tear down your walls, and let me unearth your mystery.
Let me steal your breath away with a kiss.
A kiss that threaten to love you.
your heart; your mind; your body; your soul.
Let me tell you that I saw the universe in you.
The universe that was knitted into your bones,
And the embers of galaxies that glowing to life in your eyes.
Because I have felt a word.
I have tasted the color purple.
I have heard the sound of light.
I have seen the music in your eyes.
And right now, I fully understand what true love feels like.
Oh it made me want to grasp your hand, and place it over my heart,
While whispering these words right into your right ear:
“This, Love, will beat for you until the very end.”