29-04-2016.

03:55

I went down to the common room in my office.
I was just kind of tired, the illness took a toll on my stamina, and I had to rest.
As I laid down on the carpet, and opened Edgar Allan Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado, suddenly someone called my name out of nowhere.
It was one of my co-worker, just woke up from his sleep, and it was 5:40 P.M.
And I thought, why the heck this guy took a nap until this late?
And, why did he took a nap in the common room at work hours?
So yes, he suddenly called me and said this out of the blue:

“I want to ask you something: have you ever felt like there’s a reason behind something that has happened to you?”

I lift up my left eyebrow in confusion and stared at him.
And he just smiled strangely.
I knew this guy quite well.
He’s one of the most levelheaded guy in the office.
Anyone could talk about almost anything with him and he would answer and/or respond to their talks with superb levelheadedness.
That’s what I was kind of curious on what he was about to say.
He continued:

“Here’s the story:
“I was actually about to go to another city, and I set my alarm to went off 15 minutes before 5:00 P.M. so I could go to train station and go right at 5:30 P.M. sharp. But as you can see, I woke up at this hour, and now I actually am contemplating the reason of why I woke up this late, because I do not usually overslept and wake up late.
“What do you think about this?”

“You’re so random.”

“Thanks, but beside that fact, please.”

“Personal opinion: you are being tested by – I don’t know – some sort of higher power? Your will are being tested right now. That higher power are testing you if you really want this thing that you really want right now. Let me ask you now, do you really want it? Do you really want this thing? Do you really want to go to that city?
“If I were you, If I really wanted something, I would go for it. If I woke up this late and I really want to go to another city because I have something that I need to do that I really, really, really want.
“To sum it up, if I really want it, I would go for it – that’s that.”

“Intriguing, that’s something new for me.”

He went silent for more than 5 minutes.
And then proceeded to say something different.

“Whenever something happened to me, I always think of the cause first before the solution. And I believe it’s the other way around for you, because I could sensed that you are the type that would think of the solution from a problem that you deem quite urgent.
“But don’t you think that everything happened has their own reasons?”

“Yeah, true, but, you see, from my point of view, let’s say if you go back to sleep at this point and say the hell with that trip out of town, then I would say that you do NOT really want that trip, that’s why you made excuses from what happened, that is, your overslept.
“I still think that if you really want it, then go for it, no goddamn excuses. You want to go? Then go. There’s still the next train. What’s your excuse?”

“That was my point.
“I though to myself, why did I wake up late? I do not usually wake up late whenever I have something important to do. What’s more, my alarm didn’t rang at the right time. I thought that maybe there’s some reason behind this, that maybe some higher power – let’s say God – wants me to understand something today.
“And I didn’t even know why I called you and talked to you about this. Yes, this might be so random and sounds like a coincidence, but let me tell you that there is no such thing as coincidence.
“Let’s say you pushed someone on the street that they dropped their things and you helped them arrange their things. And then that’s that, there were never any continued occurencs about you and that stranger until this day. Maybe you said that it’s just a coincidence. But I disagree.
“If you only think about the after effect, what about the before? Maybe you were thinking about something stupid, and that event made you stopped your train of thoughts and forgot your stupid thinking. Maybe that people that you pushed remembered something when you helped them pick up their things and arrange them for that stranger.
“The point is, everything has their own reasons, and bad things will always have good reasons, we just don’t know what. Oh maybe we will know it someday, but maybe not today.”

I was dumbfounded.
It’s like I suddenly didn’t need rest and wanted to contemplate everything that has happened between me and her, and everything that happened on her.
I asked him:

“So, let me say thing: you think there is a reason for me? For talking to you about this strange topic at this hour?”

“Certainly, of course, yes.
“I always believe that everything have their own reasons.
“I believe that no matter what happens in your life, be it good or bad, there must be something waiting behind that, but usually it’s the bad ones, because people would instantly trying to find the reasond behind the bad things that has happened.
“You see, let me tell you something: our heart – our true heart – actually know what is good for us, and that’s why people usually say that we should follow our heart. Yet people these days blind their own heart for various reasons.
“Not only that, we have our own will. Our will could be bad will or good will. Which one is bad and which one is good? We will never know, but let me tell you this: Whenever you do something that feel like it’s against your heart, or feel like there’s something heavy or strange in your heart, then it MIGHT be something that’s bad for you.
“I said might because, again, we do not know whether it’s good or bad until the real effect happens. What’s sad is, sometimes we don’t even know if the effect has happened.”

He looked at his watch for a brief moment.
And then he stood up and said to me once again:

“Nice talking to you. Thank you for your insight. Now I know what I want to do and what I need to do right now.”

“You’re going to catch the train?”

“Absolutely!”

And he went off running to the exit.
It was crazy, and what he said brought me insight.
I thought to myself, is this why loving her feels so right?
Is this why whenever I skip posting something, I feel something that is not right deep inside my heart?”
Is this why it always feels so soothing, calming, and feels like she’s beside me whenever I write sonnets for and/or about her?

I don’t know, and I want to know.

But from what he said, maybe he’s right.
Maybe.. Maybe our heart really knew what do I need to do in my life.
Maybe that’s why we need to follow our heart.
And maybe it’s true that everything happens for a reason.

Only right now, I really don’t know what’s the reason for me.
I really don’t know what’s the benefit for me from what happened to her.

Alright, my stomach’s hurting right now.
Time to rest.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t know about right or wrong.
But honestly, loving you feels so right.
Whatever it is that I am doing for you, be it writing this post, writing love poems for you, writing sonnets, it really is feels like I’m filled with your love.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just stupid or weird.

Or maybe because they really are, the right thing to do for me.

If loving you feels this right, oh I will walk through the darkness with you.
I will love you harder in times of distress and despair.
And I will never let go of you.
Because I will fight the darkness like it’s my own.
Because, Love, your pain is catasthropic for me.

I will dismantle the tunnel around you to bring you back to the light.
I will reassemble your broken fragments with segments of you that make me whole.
And Love, we will be there to witness everything.

We will be there to witness the rainbows after the storm.
And I believe everyhing will be alright in the world once again.

Love, right now, I onle hope that my words seep deep into your soul.
So deep that you feel it in your bones.
A chilly – yet calming feeling.
A feeling so soothing you could feel it in your heart, and into your soul.

A feeling of love, so pure, it will get rid of your darkest goddamn demons.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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