18-04-2016.

02:16

My probation period is almost ended.
In short, I really enjoy my work in this company.
There’s only one thing that I hate from my co-workers:

They are always overly curious about something or someone.

Well, no, they do not break my privacy.
But I’ve had experience with people like this.
I don’t know if there’s any connection between intelligence and being overly curious about something, but I guess there is.
I know that people in my office are extraordinary in their intelligence.
But I never thought that they would actually search for information about me.

Or maybe I should say, I never thought that they would stalk me everywhere.

Over years, I’ve met a lot of people.
And I believe that every person is unique, no matter what people say.
I’ve known people with great heart, with great kindness, just like her.
And I’ve known people with obnoxious, vexatious kind of personality.
Let me say this thing: curiosity is a good thing, it’s always a good thing.
But what’s bad about it is when you can’t control it.
When you just don’t know when to be or not to be curious about something.

I was like that.
I kept asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.
I don’t know why I was being so overly curious on her.
But I guess, now I know how annoying I was.

The thing is, my co-worker is asking me every single thing.
Like I said in my post 4 days ago, I was going to every single co-worker available in my office to ask about job vacation.
And last Friday, I was asking for their information about headhunter.
What happened on those two days were.. My co-workers are asking information about who am I helping on about job searching.
I literally answered with one word: “Someone.”
Well, I actually don’t mind and understand, because they will need to know about her qualifications for job searching purpose.
And in another note, she didn’t really explain to me about her qualifications for some reason I don’t know.
Perhaps she thought I already understand about her qualifications?

But the annoying part came after they asked me about her qualifications.

They asked this someone’s gender.
They asked about her relationship with me and why I am helping her.
They even suspected that that she must be a special person that I went on great deal asking people around the office for job vacancy information.
Well, they weren’t wrong, now were they?
But can’t they just stopped at her qualifications and gender?
I mean, I went on and assure them that she is a good candidate with high standards that will do the best that she can to do her job.
Yet they went on and on trying to get my personal information about me and her.

I guess what I said about people these days around me and her are right:
Some people are being curious and ask questions just because they want to know, not because they care about the people they are asking to.

I know that I might be cynical about this matter.
But I can’t help it, because of what happened to her.
You see, I actually am kind of afraid that they will search for things about me in social media, about what they want to know about me.
And I am kind of afraid that they will use it against me.
But you se, they are my co-workers.
Whatever they do with whatever it is they find on the internet about me, I have to let it go and hope that they won’t do anything stupid about it.

I’ve learned that finding a person that really cares about you is hard.

Family is out of context in this topic, solely because I believe we all know that they will always be there for us most of the time.
Although – I know this is kind of contradicting myself, because I said most of the time – family won’t always be there for us.
I’ve had one person that care about me so much: her.
But like what I wrote hundreds of times, something happened to her, and the aftermath really really crack our relationship just like a broken glass.
And after what happened to myself after what she has done to me, I’ve learned something that most people might already knew but often forgotten:

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief; the whole world will give no single fuck about you.

So what I did, or rather, what I do about people?
I keep on doing whatever it is that I did to them.
You see, I won’t bother change myself because of what happened to me, or because of any stupid things other people did to the people that I so dearly love that indirectly affected me.
I am still going to be myself.
I am still going to be the best version of me – my authentic self.

Some people might think that I haven’t learned anything from past experiences, that I keep on doing things that would do me bad things.
I completely disagree with that notion.
I’ve learned things, I’ve learned great things from what happened to her, and from what happened to me and her.

But it doesn’t mean I have to be bitter and be cynical because of the bad things that happened to me, no, no no no, and no.

I only believe in self-improvement right now.
Like I said numerous times, I believe that if I change myself for the better, the people around me will start to change, too.
On some things in life, I believe that they are the echo of us.
Few things in our life that we see are nothing but echo of ourselves.
And I believe the people we meet around us is in the equation.

Because after all, what should we actually do to people like that?
Revenge? I won’t deny that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Revenge is goddamn sweet, oh I won’t deny that thing.
But when the revenge is done, what then?
I’ve learned that insults, social status, some achievements, and money are lousy ways of keeping score with people.
Because it’s not about what you have in your life.

But it’s about who you have in your life that counts.

……

Dear Love,

Some people are.. Strange, aren’t they?
I was about to say some crueler words, but I think strange is better.
But I guess they really are a perfect echo on what I was.
The old me, that one side of me that keep on being curious, that keep on wanting to know things eventhough you clearly said no to me.
Thinking about what I did to you and about my situation right now, I literally am just quietly laughed seconds ago.
Why, you ask ?

Because it’s like the universe is showing me how annoying I was and silently making me want to change myself even more from my bad habits.

I don’t really know what drives me to be a better person.
Yes, Love, I’ve said numerous times that it’s because of you.
But, let’s say, on a deeper context, why would I want to become a better person if I am quite satisfied with what I have right about now?
Love, there’s something that I’ve learned.
This thing I’ve learned from what you’ve shared to me, and from what I saw in other people, and from my own thoughts:

I’ve learned that our background and our circumstances may have influenced who we are right now, but we are responsible for who we become.

Maybe this is why I don’t really believe in fate.
I believe that I am a captain of my own life.
I steer myself to the things that I really want in life.
And right now, I am on my journey to be better than ever.

I know that it will take me a long time to become the person I want to be.
But, Love, that fact does not change my resolve.
I definitely am not disheartened by the fact that it will take me weeks, or even months, to change what I am right now.
But, well, I took the first step, and I am on the way!

About you, well, Love, I don’t really know what is happening with you.
I do want to ask you about how are you doing, but I don’t know what to say.
I know you might be struggling with whatever it is that is happening in your life; I said that because I am feeling that, too.
Oh we – humans – all do, struggling with something in our life at this point, whatever it is that we, or they are having in our and their life.
I have this one life-changing thing for you:

Be honest with yourself.

I’ve become honest with myself.
I’ve addressed all my habits and my inner feelings.
And I could say it changed me; well you might not see it because we haven’t LITERALLY talked ever since that thing happened to you.
But believe me, being honest with ourselves will gives us gret thing.

Because, Love, no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

Love, above all, I just want you to know that I’m still here for you.
No matter what happened to you, no matter what kind of struggle came right to you and slapped you in the face, remember that I’m still here for you.
Screw the hunger for applause and the need to impress; live your life to the fullest – to express – and work for your cause.

Strive on, and keep strive on the best that you can.
Just remember that I will always be there for you.

Oh I will always be there for you, come hell or high water.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


promisesesese

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