14-04-2016.

03:02

I went to almost every single people in my office yesterday.
This might sounds stupid, but I tried to ask them for their help in job searching; not my job searching, it’s for her.
Some of them are willing to ask their colleagues and friends for information, but some of them said to me that I should go to headhunter.
Perhaps I should ask her about the latter.
Well, headhunter isn’t always bad, if you are in dire need of getting a job, headhunter might be able to help, with commission, of course.

And the plus about what I was doing yesterday, is that I got to know almost every single people in my office.
And I got a story about a certain person in my office.

I was reading one of my unfinished read: Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.
One of my co-workers was about pass through my desk, and she saw me reading.
She asked me about the book.
Strangely enough, she took a complete interest in my books.
I began to tell her about my knowledge in literature, about one work that I consider one hell of a great work – Dante’s Divine Comedy.
We were talking for hours about literature and some history.
And I began to tell her that I love writing for some reason, and about the possibility of it related to my interest in literatures.

What surprised me is that she told me that she loves writing too, and she have one secret blog where she’s being anonymous, just like this blog.

And I thought I’m being weird over here; I guess I’m not the only one.
We were talking for hours, we were oblivious about time.
And I got to the point where I told her the reason why I wrote.
I told her that my writings are all about and for someone that I really love.
She said that what I’m doing is understandable for her.
Because she does that sometimes for someone that she really loves.
We are actually quite similar in some ways.

Our conversation were stretched to people these days that would easily mock someone for their uniqueness – for something that they deem unusual.
And we were talking about how shallow some people are these days:

“People these days are impressed by money and followers – and I mean followers in real life and in social media; they also impressed by someone’s degree, or even titles.”
“But I don’t think those things are all that matters.”
“I think we should be more impressed by someone’s generosity. Their integrity. Their humility. Their kindness.”
“But I am more impressed in you.”
“You know what’s attractive? Seeing someone change for a person.”
“Whether it’s cutting down their drinking habits or to stop doing drugs, and maybe even something so small like to stop swearing.”
“It just proces that when it comes down to it, they would do whatever it takes to see that certain person happy.”
“Especially in your case – stopping habits is a HARD thing to do, and to see you actually doing that for someone that you love is really attractive to me.”
“She’s a lucky girl.”

“I don’t think she thinks that way – or at least I don’t know if she does think that way about me changing myself for the better.”

“Oh I believe she does, I believe she thinks about it sometimes. If she doesn’t, then I guess she just doesn’t want to appreciate beautiful things.”
“That’s the thing about love, you know – as soon as you stop thinking about her, she starts thinking about you.”
“Or I should say, the sun can NEVER forget the moon.”

“I’m going to write something about those last words that you said.”
“But hey, I am on a journey to the best version of me.”
“Perhaps I should tell everyone around me to standby, because they are not going to believe what they are about to see in me.”
“If you ask me, why am I doing this, well, I trust my intuition. I trust my feeling that I have inside me that I need to change to be able to change people around me.”
“Those two things – feelings and intuition – will be the voice that guide my heart when it needs direction in my life.”
“All I know right, is that I want to be the best version of me for her.”
“And for myself, of course. But this all won’t happen without her.”

It’s not easy.
I need to tell you lot – it’s so goddamn hard to change my bad habits.
But just like what people said – when there’s a will, there’s a way.
I’ve gone through the first step in addressing all my bad habits.
All I need to do right now is change them.
I know I could do it, I know I could change myself for the better.

We stopped talking after hours.
She made me think about my writings.
I have almost 250 posts in total, and all those posts are about her.
Come to think about it, perhaps I’ve gone mad with love since the first day she said words of love to me.
And if you ask me, what do I think about my writings?
I know that they are all filled with rollercoaster of my feelings.
The time when I’m happy, sad, broken, longing, everything.

But I have to say that I’m happy that I’ve wrote hundreds of thousands of words, all related to her.
They all remind me on how much I love her.

And I wonder, does she really think about me at times?
Does she really think about me when I don’t?

Perhaps, or rather, I’d say I believe she does.

The sun can never forget the moon.

……

Dear Love,

I need to admit something about my day and night.
My nightmare does not begin when I am about to sleep.

The nightmare begins when I wake up in a cold bed without you.

The horror of every morning is starting my day without your loving embrace.
And my demons can chase me without your kiss of protection.
Because my guardian angel is too busy watching over you to give me what I need.
But in love, you make sacrifices.
As long as my guardian angel brings you to my dreams every night we can’t see each other, and keeps you safe until I can get that loving embrace, my guardian angel can be with you.

Maybe my guardian angel will whisper my love to you.
Maybe she will bring the rest of her angel army so we can no longer have nightmares upon waking, but instead play a music.
A music, an angelic, divine music that will break open the heavens and make our dreams become a living reality.

I believe she will protect you just like you are protecting yourself.
Love, I don’t know maybe you are protecting yourself from pain.
You are protecting yourself from things that could harm you.

But please, be sure you do not protect yourself from love.

You could say that you are shutting all your doors.
But Love, the winds of love are persistent.
They will slip through your doors and windows, no matter how tight you’ve closed them to keep love from entering your heart.
For both of us are connected, just like what my co-worker said:

The sun can never forget the moon.

I don’t know which one are you, the sun, or the moon.
All I know, you are WAY more wonderful than both of those.
Well, I know that there are no wonderful humans in this world.
But sometimes, there’s someone like you:

Someone with a beautiful soul that navigates the cosmos of my darkness.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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