09-04-2016.

04:48

Yesterday, Eight.

Time flies, eh?
It’s almost a year since I called her after two years of being estranged.

I know I skip posting a lot these days.
It’s because I’m just so busy and tired with my work.
Or at least I’m trying to do so.
Because recently, things are just.. Killing me.

I miss her, I miss her so fucking much.
It’s like there’s an invisible man in front of me every minute, everyday.
And that man, is holding a goddamn knife.
And whenever I distract myself from my work, it’s like that man is repeatedly stabbing me right into my chest again, and again, and again.
And yesterday, the pain was just so excruciating.
I literally had to stop and take a deep breath every time the pain invades me.
Heck, and I thought I could bury myself with work and forget about her.

But I realized that.. Just.. No amount of work could suppress the pain.
Hah, I realized it since weeks ago.
And yet I still do it every single day hoping that I could numbing the pain.
Exactly month ago, I said that I don’t want to drown myself in whatever happens between me and her, in whatever happens to her that eradicate her love and trust.
But I still can’t shake this constant pain.
I can’t shake the severe feeling of longing.

About her? Well..

She suddenly talked to me around few days ago.
It was her graduation day.

I was actually surprised.
Like I said in my previous posts couple weeks ago, we had a misunderstanding.
It was somewhat simple and all, or at least for me.
She said to me that she was planning to stop talking to me for good.
Although she didn’t tell me the reason on why she wanted to do that, I was somewhat happy that she shared her graduation photos to me.
But, you see, when she said that she was planning to stop talking to me for good, I was afraid, I was really afraid that she would left me.

I was struck with the same fear as months ago when she said she can’t trust people any longer after what happened to her.

We didn’t really talk much these days.
This might sounds stupid, but honestly, I’m afraid to say things to her.
I’m afraid that she will get angry if I say something wrong.
And yes, I’m afraid that she will stopped talking to me once and for all.
Plus, she’s busy searching for a job.
I remember she said to me once that she can’t want to be a full-timer.
I’m helping her as best as I can to get one, but even I have to admit that the job vacancy around here is just sucks as hell these days.

But currently, she didn’t read my messages and didn’t even reply me.
I don’t know, perhaps something happened to her about me.
Perhaps she’s having a flashback about me and her.
Sigh. I do hope everything is okay for her and her job search.

I really hope she’s fine.

Honestly, I feel something odd is happening between me and her.
It’s like, we are being pulled by the universe to each other, but none of us wants to get closer to each other because of our own reasons.
She, with her cynicism towards love and trust after what happened to her months ago, and with her mind fixed on her job searching.
And me, being busy, busy, and busy with my work every single day, even on weekends, and with my vow towards myself and her in making myself better day by day.

It’s like we both understand that we aren’t ready for each other just yet.
Especially for me, I said to myself that I need to change for the better.

Yesterday, one of my friends on Skype said something to me.
So the story was, one of my (another) friends was about to give me something, he already packed them all inside his external hard drives.
I asked him almost every single day on when could we meet.
But when he finally said the time and date, I would cancel it, like, saying that I got something to do, or maybe I would suddenly changed my mind at any given time that day before we meet.
In my defense, I was super tired from my work.
And then, that one friend from Skype said things related to that story:

“You should’ve said to him that it was you that would tell him when and where you two are going to meet.”
“Not constantly asking him every single day about the time and date only to be cancelled by the one who was asking it afterwards.”
“I got this one colleague of mine, he’s just like you, only he’s much more of an asshole, he have a tendency to cancel our plans at the D-Day.”
“You were just like that, you were always like that, and still are.”
“It’s like this, lets say you asked someone to accompany you for lunch, and they said to you that you need to wait for about 10-15 minutes because they are finishing their work.”
“And then, after you waited for 15 minutes, they suddenly said that they can’t accompany you because they actually need to finish their work.”
“Now how would you feel about that?”

He made me think about myself more deeply.
I was like, ‘oh? it’s something about me that I missed.’
I never thought that he would literally help me in making myself better.
You see, few days ago I said to those two people that I’ve known for quite long about myself, about my bad habits, and how I really want to change myself for the better.
I told them the reason, about: if I want to change the people around me, about if I want to change someone, then I have to start to change myself first.
And, well, I don’t know? They didn’t even tell me if that is a good thing or not.
I got no feedbacks from them.
Whatever, I still want to change myself; I really do.

Because I really believe the theory of changing myself before others.

I want to help her, really.
I do care abotu her, but it feels like she doesn’t want me to care about her.
It’s like she’s closing her doors, shutting her windows tight for me.
And I really don’t know what I did wrong to deserve all of this.
I just want to understand her, I just want to love her.
It’s not like I would want to do bad things or even kill her.

Yet she’s always put me out of her equation after what happened.

Sigh.
One single dreadful event.
Whenever I think about it, I still can’t believe it has become like this.
I still can’t believe that one single event could broke a relationship.
And I still can’t believe it could broke her and my happiness.

You know what I pray to God every single night?
I know I don’t need to boast myself about this, but let me rant a bit.

I pray that she will get her desired full-time job once and for all.
I pray that she will be able to push off all her fears and found her love and her trust towards me deep inside her heart.
I pray that she could freely feel love and trust towards me without feeling the need to hide them, or without feeling the need to close the door to her feelings.
And I pray that everything in her life is working well for her.
Someone said to me:

“You know that you really, really love someone when you pray more about them every single night more than you pray for yourself.”

And I guess it hit the spot just right.
I guess nothing proves that you really really love someone more than mentioning them in your prayers.
Because, I really want to remind her about love.
I really want to remind her how grand the magic is.
When you love a person, you see all of their magic, and you love them.

And right now, I really want to remind her of what she has forgotten.
I really want to remind her of her own beautiful magic.
I really want to remind her how beautiful our love is.
And I’ve reached the point where I can’t do anything other than pray to God every single day hoping that she will be able to do things that I’ve prayed.

I don’t know what will happen to me and her.
Or maybe, it’s more like, I don’t know what will happen to her.
But right now, I hope my prayers are enough.

I really hope that God holds her even though she’s closing all her doors.

……

Dear Love,

Happy not anniversary.

No, actually, don’t you think the way English language wishing someone is kinda.. Weird? Just because it doesn’t mean that whatever the event is, it doesn’t have to be happy for the people that have connection with the day.
Or maybe something like ‘merry christmas’ doesn’t meant that they want to or have a ‘merry’ christmas.
Just like what is happening, I don’t think our ‘not anniversary’ is something that needs to be wished to be happy.

Okay. I think too much about that. Sorry.
And yes, I was and am NOT happy with yesterday.

Love, how are you ?
I honestly am kind of worried about you and your job searching.
I know we rarely talk these days, I don’t know, I tried to tread lightly and say as little things as possible to you and try to talk to you about what is happening to me recently.
But.. I don’t know, it seems like you just don’t want to talk to me.
It seems like you’re just so busy with your job searching.
And it seems like you’re so stressed out about it.

It’s like you are back to that state when you were busy with your assignments.

At this point, I can’t even imagine on what is going to happen with you when you have a full time job, are you going to.. Vanish even more?
It’s already painful enough that we’re becoming like this after what happened to you.
I just.. Don’t want you to get too far from me that it feels like I don’t even know you anymore; it’s enough for you to hide things from me, Love.
You hide your social medias from me, and cover up your everyday things from me.
I don’t know your reason, but I don’t want us to be more estranged.

Can’t we open up to each other slowly and steadily, one step at a time?

Let me tell you how I feel right now, in my own words:
It feels like you are retreating to a room with a window on the door.
We were close, we were in the common room together, whispering love words, and speaking to each other happily, indulged together in happiness.
And after what happened? It’s like you are keeping yourself apart from me.

I don’t know if it’s because you don’t want to be lovey-dovey towards me, but frankly, it feels like you have gone too far in distancing yourself form me.

I mean, it doesn’t have to be like that.
It’s not like I will do some atrocities to you, of course not.
I just want us to gradually understand each other after what happened.
Slowly, steadily, no rush, just one small step at a time.
Could you please at least do that ?
You don’t have to treat me as a stranger.
Yes, there might be some things that you don’t want to receiver from me.
And you might or might not said them all, and I might or might not know them all, but you could always tell me about whatever it is that’s bugging you between us.
Right?

I know that I still got some things that need to be changed.
But.. You see, honestly, you could just talk to me about anything, even to the point of pointing every single thing that you do NOT like from me.
And I will gladly change myself from you.

I don’t know if what I said to you is a proof of my seriousness in changing myself, but honestly, I hope it’s enough to prove myself to you.

Love, right now, all I could do is just doing my best for you.
I’ve asked people here and there about job vacancy.
And I really hope they will feed me back with good news about it.
I really hope they will find something for you.
That, and one more thing that you should know other than the obvious fact of I will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what happens:

Even though we aren’t talking, and even though we aren’t really telling each other about how our days went every single day, I want you to know that I do pray for you about your well-being.

I love you, I do, and I want everything works well for you.

Oh, if love had a name, I would write yours.
Over, and over, and over again.
The fire inside of me will never cease.

Even when hell freezes over, this fire, it will still burn.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


pray

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