29-04-2016.

03:55

I went down to the common room in my office.
I was just kind of tired, the illness took a toll on my stamina, and I had to rest.
As I laid down on the carpet, and opened Edgar Allan Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado, suddenly someone called my name out of nowhere.
It was one of my co-worker, just woke up from his sleep, and it was 5:40 P.M.
And I thought, why the heck this guy took a nap until this late?
And, why did he took a nap in the common room at work hours?
So yes, he suddenly called me and said this out of the blue:

“I want to ask you something: have you ever felt like there’s a reason behind something that has happened to you?”

I lift up my left eyebrow in confusion and stared at him.
And he just smiled strangely.
I knew this guy quite well.
He’s one of the most levelheaded guy in the office.
Anyone could talk about almost anything with him and he would answer and/or respond to their talks with superb levelheadedness.
That’s what I was kind of curious on what he was about to say.
He continued:

“Here’s the story:
“I was actually about to go to another city, and I set my alarm to went off 15 minutes before 5:00 P.M. so I could go to train station and go right at 5:30 P.M. sharp. But as you can see, I woke up at this hour, and now I actually am contemplating the reason of why I woke up this late, because I do not usually overslept and wake up late.
“What do you think about this?”

“You’re so random.”

“Thanks, but beside that fact, please.”

“Personal opinion: you are being tested by – I don’t know – some sort of higher power? Your will are being tested right now. That higher power are testing you if you really want this thing that you really want right now. Let me ask you now, do you really want it? Do you really want this thing? Do you really want to go to that city?
“If I were you, If I really wanted something, I would go for it. If I woke up this late and I really want to go to another city because I have something that I need to do that I really, really, really want.
“To sum it up, if I really want it, I would go for it – that’s that.”

“Intriguing, that’s something new for me.”

He went silent for more than 5 minutes.
And then proceeded to say something different.

“Whenever something happened to me, I always think of the cause first before the solution. And I believe it’s the other way around for you, because I could sensed that you are the type that would think of the solution from a problem that you deem quite urgent.
“But don’t you think that everything happened has their own reasons?”

“Yeah, true, but, you see, from my point of view, let’s say if you go back to sleep at this point and say the hell with that trip out of town, then I would say that you do NOT really want that trip, that’s why you made excuses from what happened, that is, your overslept.
“I still think that if you really want it, then go for it, no goddamn excuses. You want to go? Then go. There’s still the next train. What’s your excuse?”

“That was my point.
“I though to myself, why did I wake up late? I do not usually wake up late whenever I have something important to do. What’s more, my alarm didn’t rang at the right time. I thought that maybe there’s some reason behind this, that maybe some higher power – let’s say God – wants me to understand something today.
“And I didn’t even know why I called you and talked to you about this. Yes, this might be so random and sounds like a coincidence, but let me tell you that there is no such thing as coincidence.
“Let’s say you pushed someone on the street that they dropped their things and you helped them arrange their things. And then that’s that, there were never any continued occurencs about you and that stranger until this day. Maybe you said that it’s just a coincidence. But I disagree.
“If you only think about the after effect, what about the before? Maybe you were thinking about something stupid, and that event made you stopped your train of thoughts and forgot your stupid thinking. Maybe that people that you pushed remembered something when you helped them pick up their things and arrange them for that stranger.
“The point is, everything has their own reasons, and bad things will always have good reasons, we just don’t know what. Oh maybe we will know it someday, but maybe not today.”

I was dumbfounded.
It’s like I suddenly didn’t need rest and wanted to contemplate everything that has happened between me and her, and everything that happened on her.
I asked him:

“So, let me say thing: you think there is a reason for me? For talking to you about this strange topic at this hour?”

“Certainly, of course, yes.
“I always believe that everything have their own reasons.
“I believe that no matter what happens in your life, be it good or bad, there must be something waiting behind that, but usually it’s the bad ones, because people would instantly trying to find the reasond behind the bad things that has happened.
“You see, let me tell you something: our heart – our true heart – actually know what is good for us, and that’s why people usually say that we should follow our heart. Yet people these days blind their own heart for various reasons.
“Not only that, we have our own will. Our will could be bad will or good will. Which one is bad and which one is good? We will never know, but let me tell you this: Whenever you do something that feel like it’s against your heart, or feel like there’s something heavy or strange in your heart, then it MIGHT be something that’s bad for you.
“I said might because, again, we do not know whether it’s good or bad until the real effect happens. What’s sad is, sometimes we don’t even know if the effect has happened.”

He looked at his watch for a brief moment.
And then he stood up and said to me once again:

“Nice talking to you. Thank you for your insight. Now I know what I want to do and what I need to do right now.”

“You’re going to catch the train?”

“Absolutely!”

And he went off running to the exit.
It was crazy, and what he said brought me insight.
I thought to myself, is this why loving her feels so right?
Is this why whenever I skip posting something, I feel something that is not right deep inside my heart?”
Is this why it always feels so soothing, calming, and feels like she’s beside me whenever I write sonnets for and/or about her?

I don’t know, and I want to know.

But from what he said, maybe he’s right.
Maybe.. Maybe our heart really knew what do I need to do in my life.
Maybe that’s why we need to follow our heart.
And maybe it’s true that everything happens for a reason.

Only right now, I really don’t know what’s the reason for me.
I really don’t know what’s the benefit for me from what happened to her.

Alright, my stomach’s hurting right now.
Time to rest.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t know about right or wrong.
But honestly, loving you feels so right.
Whatever it is that I am doing for you, be it writing this post, writing love poems for you, writing sonnets, it really is feels like I’m filled with your love.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just stupid or weird.

Or maybe because they really are, the right thing to do for me.

If loving you feels this right, oh I will walk through the darkness with you.
I will love you harder in times of distress and despair.
And I will never let go of you.
Because I will fight the darkness like it’s my own.
Because, Love, your pain is catasthropic for me.

I will dismantle the tunnel around you to bring you back to the light.
I will reassemble your broken fragments with segments of you that make me whole.
And Love, we will be there to witness everything.

We will be there to witness the rainbows after the storm.
And I believe everyhing will be alright in the world once again.

Love, right now, I onle hope that my words seep deep into your soul.
So deep that you feel it in your bones.
A chilly – yet calming feeling.
A feeling so soothing you could feel it in your heart, and into your soul.

A feeling of love, so pure, it will get rid of your darkest goddamn demons.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


right

28-04-2016.

02:55

I once wrote something for her.
It was.. My first writing for her, I guess ?
I believe she still remember that certain thing until this day.
It was a self-made quote, about how beautiful she is.

About how every alphabet, every word, and every term exist there is in dictionary won’t be enough to describe her beauty; and let’s say, if there’s someone’s trying to describe her, that would be an utter insult for her beauty.

At least that’s what I write for her.
And she responded by saying, “Not bad.”.
Along with one mysterious smile in her face that I’ll never forget.
Come to think about it, maybe it’s the first time I felt like I want to write for her.
I want to describe her unmatched beauty in the most beautiful way possible.
And, well, since I said unmatched, maybe that’s why I thought that there’s nothing in this world that could describe her.
Not even the words themselves.
And yet, here I am, writing for her since months and months ago.

It’s like I’m trying to fulfill the impossible task of describing her perfect and unmatched beauty using my own words – by constantly arranging 26 English alphabets every single day.

I have this weird thought today about her beauty.
What if someone asked me to describe her beauty in a single color?
I mean, what color would I choose just to describe her unmatched beauty?
Am I still going to choose from one of the colors available in this universe? Since I said that there’s nothing that could describe her immaculate beauty.
Well, if I have to choose, the color would be..

Pastel purple.

Why pastel? Why purple?
First, she loves purple, it’s her trademark color.
I mean, whenever I saw purple, it instantly reminds me of her.
She even told me that she really, really loves purple.
Now, isn’t that enough of a reason for me to choose purple?

Secondly, pastel color.
Pastel color are.. Well, you lot know pastel colors.
I can’t really describe it, but it’s like those colors in the crayons.
I only chose pastel because the color is.. Soothing.
It’s soft, it’s milky, and somewhat near neutral, just like her personality.
But pastel color also means something.
Pastel color means something around washed out and desaturated.
And pastel color lacks strong chromatic content.
Maybe because of.. What has happened to her.

Doesn’t matter.
No, seriously; when I said pastel purple, all I could think about was how soft and warm the color is when combined with purple.
I just.. Remember all her kindness and her personality, and I really think she suits the pastel purple color, not the darker ones.

Alright, I really want to write more, but I need to get some rest.
I’m currently having this goddamn Gastrointestinal Infection.
My stomach hurts like hell at times.
Now I kind of understand how she felt when she got this illness.
Well, doctor said I’m overworking myself and all, and I need to get plenty of rest.

I’ll try to get some rest and think about what I’m going to write later.

……

Dear Love,

Pastel purple; that’s you.
Not the original purple, not the darker ones, not even light purple, no.
Pastel purple suits you completely, trust me.

About describing you in words.
No, I am not going to try to define you like a word in the dictionary.
It’s still going to be an insult, it forever is.

For, Love, you are as boundless as the sea, and as infinite as the night.

I’ve opened my eyes to the miracle of your presence.
I saw moonbeams, and pearls, and even pirate ships!
I saw galaxies just beyond reach in you.
There is nothing more mysterious and real as you.

I’ve wrote 250 posts, with, let’s say 200 regular posts averaging 1800 words each.
Means around 360.000 words written for you and/or about you, excluding the poems.
Love, you are more than those words that I’ve wrote.
You, are more than the miracle of language.

Because, Love, let me tell you once again : you, are beautiful.

I’m going to touch you like you’re a porcelain.
And I’m going to look at you like you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
You, you are like a kiss that leave me speechless,
And like a promise I take to my grave.

No, I’m not going to kiss you like you are the most precious thing in the world.
I’m going to kiss you madly and passionately, blazed in love.
Because you deserve no lesser show of love.

And because I will love you despite all your flaws – no matter what happens.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


imageedit_2_3139891266

26-04-2016.

She showed me love.

She showed me that love is not always racing hearts.
She showed me that love is not always hard-pressed kisses.
Sometimes it’s just her being there with me when I can’t fight the longing.

She showed me that love isn’t always sweet notes that I’ve sent for her,
Or even rose petals scattered around the house.
Sometimes it’s the will to fight inside me, the will to fight for love.
The will to yell back at her saying that she and I will get through this.
The will to yell back at her and say that I’m not going to give up.

She showed me that love isn’t easy, it isn’t always picnics in the park.
It isn’t always about breaking beds in throws of passion, no;
Sometimes, it is flat out hard.

She showed me that love is not always anything,
But she showed me that love is always beautiful.

Oh if the world end today,
If the sky turned forever dark,
If the sun disappeared,
If the stars disappeared,

As long as I’m beating out of the love that I have for her,
I would still feel fearless,
I would still feel safe,

I would still feel love.

And love conquers all.

Catastrophe.

I saved every single expression of love
that she gave to me through the night:
All the things I’d been dreaming of
that set my soul alight.

Her smile – that bittersweet smile from her,
will always be my favourite art;
along with her lips that bound us together,
and sealed our throbbing heart.

For with every kiss, we froze time,
and became the envy of every twisted fantasy,
with our love’s sweet music as its chime,
ringing throughout the galaxy.

She is the whispers of moonlight,
And the glimpses of the early dawn.
She is my everything – my heart’s delight.
Then, she was gone.

They destroyed her in the most horrific way,
and led her sense of trust far astray,
poisoning her mind with doubt and dismay,
that coursed through her veins until this very day.

Just like a book with torn out pages,
or a song stopped halfway through,
or a question with no answers for ages,
she forgot things she’s sure she knew.

I tell myself the rain will stop pouring,
and the sun will find its way tomorrow;
it is what keeps me living and breathing.
But tonight, I’ll have to endure the sorrow.

And I will watch for her light
in every single star that shines,
hoping that one of them will shine bright
and finally brings her back home to be mine.

 

V.A.C.W.
20:45

 

When this destruction is finally over,
And you’re left wondering where the pain goes,
You will find me in the eyes of the storm,
Sitting patiently, praying for rainbows.

Oh I wish I could see your smile just one more time.

23-04-2016.

23:45

I woke up calling her name.

Literally.

Fortunately no one heard me.
I didn’t even know what I was dreaming of.
All I know, I woke up, and I called her name twice.
And, like always, I miss her so goddamn much.

I don’t know how did I suddenly speak out her name unconsciously without me realizing it, but I guess, my heart just can’t handle the brimming feelings and had to do something about it.

Speaking of which, I skipped two days of writing things.
I was so, so tired.
I tried to finish some poems but didn’t even managed to finish the second stanza.
I guess I was just too tired and thinking too much about her.

All I want right now is to write some poems.
My feeling are brimming.
About her, I don’t know what is happening about her.
I messaged her this evening and told her that I went to a piano concert for the first time in my whole life, and I told her it was fun.
And like always, she said / replied nothing about it.
I guess she’s just doesn’t know what to say.

Okay, I don’t want to ramble around right now.
I just want to.. Finish some of my unfinished poems.

I need to pour out my feelings to paper.

……

Dear Love,

I miss you.
I don’t even know how I could miss you this much.
I don’t even know how I could love you this much.

All I know, I want you.
I want to understand you even in the madness.
I want to help you, or rather, I should say, guide you.
I want to support you, I want to be your hope when everything else fails.

Love, I want you – I want to be with you.
And no, I do not love you because of some stupid reason like body or face.

I don’t even love you because I only love the idea of being in love.

And yes, right now, my feelings are brimming.
And I really need to pour it on paper, I want to write some poems.
I guess sometimes it’s best to just sit in silence with your insides,
And listen to your screaming heartbeat.

And right now, my heart is screaming for your name.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

20-04-2016.

If you write about love,
They might say that you’re in love.
And if you write about heartbreak,
They might say that you’re heartbroken.

If you write about happiness,
They might wonder why you’re happy.
And if you write about sadness,
They might pretend like they didn’t read it.

If you write about loss,
They might pity you.
And if you speak the truth,
They might criticize you.

Screw them.

Let it be that you’re in love – haven’t they been?
Let it be that you’ve been heartbroken – who’s not?
Let it be that you’re happy or sad – isn’t it normal?
Let it be that you’re lost.
We’ve all lost.

But don’t you ever let what people think stop you from expressing yourself.

Let your soul shine through words.

18-04-2016.

02:16

My probation period is almost ended.
In short, I really enjoy my work in this company.
There’s only one thing that I hate from my co-workers:

They are always overly curious about something or someone.

Well, no, they do not break my privacy.
But I’ve had experience with people like this.
I don’t know if there’s any connection between intelligence and being overly curious about something, but I guess there is.
I know that people in my office are extraordinary in their intelligence.
But I never thought that they would actually search for information about me.

Or maybe I should say, I never thought that they would stalk me everywhere.

Over years, I’ve met a lot of people.
And I believe that every person is unique, no matter what people say.
I’ve known people with great heart, with great kindness, just like her.
And I’ve known people with obnoxious, vexatious kind of personality.
Let me say this thing: curiosity is a good thing, it’s always a good thing.
But what’s bad about it is when you can’t control it.
When you just don’t know when to be or not to be curious about something.

I was like that.
I kept asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.
I don’t know why I was being so overly curious on her.
But I guess, now I know how annoying I was.

The thing is, my co-worker is asking me every single thing.
Like I said in my post 4 days ago, I was going to every single co-worker available in my office to ask about job vacation.
And last Friday, I was asking for their information about headhunter.
What happened on those two days were.. My co-workers are asking information about who am I helping on about job searching.
I literally answered with one word: “Someone.”
Well, I actually don’t mind and understand, because they will need to know about her qualifications for job searching purpose.
And in another note, she didn’t really explain to me about her qualifications for some reason I don’t know.
Perhaps she thought I already understand about her qualifications?

But the annoying part came after they asked me about her qualifications.

They asked this someone’s gender.
They asked about her relationship with me and why I am helping her.
They even suspected that that she must be a special person that I went on great deal asking people around the office for job vacancy information.
Well, they weren’t wrong, now were they?
But can’t they just stopped at her qualifications and gender?
I mean, I went on and assure them that she is a good candidate with high standards that will do the best that she can to do her job.
Yet they went on and on trying to get my personal information about me and her.

I guess what I said about people these days around me and her are right:
Some people are being curious and ask questions just because they want to know, not because they care about the people they are asking to.

I know that I might be cynical about this matter.
But I can’t help it, because of what happened to her.
You see, I actually am kind of afraid that they will search for things about me in social media, about what they want to know about me.
And I am kind of afraid that they will use it against me.
But you se, they are my co-workers.
Whatever they do with whatever it is they find on the internet about me, I have to let it go and hope that they won’t do anything stupid about it.

I’ve learned that finding a person that really cares about you is hard.

Family is out of context in this topic, solely because I believe we all know that they will always be there for us most of the time.
Although – I know this is kind of contradicting myself, because I said most of the time – family won’t always be there for us.
I’ve had one person that care about me so much: her.
But like what I wrote hundreds of times, something happened to her, and the aftermath really really crack our relationship just like a broken glass.
And after what happened to myself after what she has done to me, I’ve learned something that most people might already knew but often forgotten:

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief; the whole world will give no single fuck about you.

So what I did, or rather, what I do about people?
I keep on doing whatever it is that I did to them.
You see, I won’t bother change myself because of what happened to me, or because of any stupid things other people did to the people that I so dearly love that indirectly affected me.
I am still going to be myself.
I am still going to be the best version of me – my authentic self.

Some people might think that I haven’t learned anything from past experiences, that I keep on doing things that would do me bad things.
I completely disagree with that notion.
I’ve learned things, I’ve learned great things from what happened to her, and from what happened to me and her.

But it doesn’t mean I have to be bitter and be cynical because of the bad things that happened to me, no, no no no, and no.

I only believe in self-improvement right now.
Like I said numerous times, I believe that if I change myself for the better, the people around me will start to change, too.
On some things in life, I believe that they are the echo of us.
Few things in our life that we see are nothing but echo of ourselves.
And I believe the people we meet around us is in the equation.

Because after all, what should we actually do to people like that?
Revenge? I won’t deny that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Revenge is goddamn sweet, oh I won’t deny that thing.
But when the revenge is done, what then?
I’ve learned that insults, social status, some achievements, and money are lousy ways of keeping score with people.
Because it’s not about what you have in your life.

But it’s about who you have in your life that counts.

……

Dear Love,

Some people are.. Strange, aren’t they?
I was about to say some crueler words, but I think strange is better.
But I guess they really are a perfect echo on what I was.
The old me, that one side of me that keep on being curious, that keep on wanting to know things eventhough you clearly said no to me.
Thinking about what I did to you and about my situation right now, I literally am just quietly laughed seconds ago.
Why, you ask ?

Because it’s like the universe is showing me how annoying I was and silently making me want to change myself even more from my bad habits.

I don’t really know what drives me to be a better person.
Yes, Love, I’ve said numerous times that it’s because of you.
But, let’s say, on a deeper context, why would I want to become a better person if I am quite satisfied with what I have right about now?
Love, there’s something that I’ve learned.
This thing I’ve learned from what you’ve shared to me, and from what I saw in other people, and from my own thoughts:

I’ve learned that our background and our circumstances may have influenced who we are right now, but we are responsible for who we become.

Maybe this is why I don’t really believe in fate.
I believe that I am a captain of my own life.
I steer myself to the things that I really want in life.
And right now, I am on my journey to be better than ever.

I know that it will take me a long time to become the person I want to be.
But, Love, that fact does not change my resolve.
I definitely am not disheartened by the fact that it will take me weeks, or even months, to change what I am right now.
But, well, I took the first step, and I am on the way!

About you, well, Love, I don’t really know what is happening with you.
I do want to ask you about how are you doing, but I don’t know what to say.
I know you might be struggling with whatever it is that is happening in your life; I said that because I am feeling that, too.
Oh we – humans – all do, struggling with something in our life at this point, whatever it is that we, or they are having in our and their life.
I have this one life-changing thing for you:

Be honest with yourself.

I’ve become honest with myself.
I’ve addressed all my habits and my inner feelings.
And I could say it changed me; well you might not see it because we haven’t LITERALLY talked ever since that thing happened to you.
But believe me, being honest with ourselves will gives us gret thing.

Because, Love, no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

Love, above all, I just want you to know that I’m still here for you.
No matter what happened to you, no matter what kind of struggle came right to you and slapped you in the face, remember that I’m still here for you.
Screw the hunger for applause and the need to impress; live your life to the fullest – to express – and work for your cause.

Strive on, and keep strive on the best that you can.
Just remember that I will always be there for you.

Oh I will always be there for you, come hell or high water.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


promisesesese

17-04-2016.

17:04
 

That day; that night.
I came out of my room.
I walked away barefooted.

Everything ended, and I broke.

I sang a very painful song.
I wrote, I stabbed my words to paper;
I etched the crimson of my bleeding heart,
Painted in black with ink.

I followed your voice, your scent, and your footsteps.
I slowly recalled the traces yet to be burned.
I put my hands on the cold walls.

I closed my eyes, and I saw you:
Your eyes, your gestures,
Your everything – every single thing about you.
The way you look from the back – your shadow,
Every single one of your breath.

I’m not going anywhere.
You, can’t go anywhere.

That day; that night.
I came out of my room.
I walked away barefooted.

And I have never forgotten you.

Oh I’m going to find you.
I will.

 

V.A.C.W.

Sonnet 10.

 
You rinsed off all your dreams with hope and wish,
But ambitions are never what they seem;
As their illusions turning to anguish,
They start to disappear in bitter gleam.
So you glued your fingers back to your palm,
As your shredded heart starts to scream in pain
While both your eyes remain perfectly calm,
Trying to hide all your feelings in vain.
Drinking up existence with every sip,
You tried to once again come back to life:
Approaching faith, your one and only trip,
Walking a path that’s sharper than a knife.
            I know you’ve been bleeding for days on end,
            But with little patience, your soul will mend.

 

V.A.C.W.
16:26

16-04-2016.

22:40

Dear Love,

Every single day, my feelings for you are always brimming.
To the point where I can’t hold myself back and need to write.
Love, I have so many things I want to say.

And you’re the only who comes to mind;
the only one I want to spill my cup over into.

I want to stain your soul with my ideas.
I want to haunt your mind with my fears.
I want to hold your hand and whisper things you already knew, right into the center of your earlobe.
I want to bury my face between your hair and cheek, and laugh until I have no reason to be happy and it just comes as naturally as the way I feel about you.

I feel about you; in the nerves between my thumb and my forefinger.
I feel about you whenever I close my eyes and beneath my chest and against my wrists.
I feel about you in the mirror when I see an extra line beside my smile.
I feel about you on my taste buds in the morning.

I feel things about you.
I don’t know what they are but I like them and want them and I don’t know how to tell you; if I did, I would add about how you make my heart light.
How you carry me without knowing; how I enjoy the way you take my words and interpret them in the most stupid way possible.
I don’t know how to tell you, and if I did, maybe I wouldn’t.

Because being totally crazy about you comes naturally to me; for a connection I’ve always felt in you strengthens me, beyond the love I’ve come to know.
And if loving you is crazy, well, Love,
My craziness, my madness, comes naturally for you.
Or maybe, maybe it came because I’ve tasted your lips.

Lips that cure sorrow.

Love, you change things.
Not just the world, but souls themselves – my soul.
It’s like a type of sensation no medication or therapy can create.

Oh, I caught a piece of you, and all the colors of my world has changed.

I’ve been blind like a person who has never seen the light of the day.
I wasn’t truly lived until I saw the world you showed to me.
This world – this revolution you showed through the first kiss that we had.
Because beauty is never truly seen until I saw the world through your eyes.
Everything you see – we see – is a disaster.
A disaster made as beautiful as a water-colored sunset.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve grown attached to this madness – to this insanity.
To this sunset-colored bloom inside my heart called my love for you.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.