30-03-2016.

01:08

I just found yet another thing of me that I need to fix.

I guess few days in hospital really brought me some enlightenment.
I was just remembering all the things that I’ve done.
Bad things, good things, mediocre things, stupid things, all of them.
And then I focused on the small – usually unnoticed – bad things.
I found out a thing that I’ve been tolerating all this time in my life.

Small lies.

I don’t know about you, but I used to lie.
In fact, I do lie a lot, I just deny it every single time I lie.
Why? Because they are all just small lies, they are unimportant, right?

Once again, I’ve never been so goddamn wrong in my entire life.

So, I lied, I lied a lot since I was in highschool.
I mean, we all do, and did, lie a lot numerous times.
One lie that I did the most was faking an illness.
Hey, it was a small lie, right ?
I was 17 years old, and being one of the most ‘badass’ boy in the school.
All I could think about was how to skip school as much as possible.
And I got to the point where I faked a total of around 45 illnessses in total just so I can have my day offs from school.
Real sickness was not included in those 45.
I kept lying, lying, and lying about my illnessses.
And it was easy, it was super-duper ultra easy.

Because, after all, I had no friends in highschool.

It’s sad, I know, but I’m just being real on what happened to me.
You see, when you have no friends, you can lie about anything.
And by anything, I mean just anything and everything.
NO ONE holds you accountable, because NO ONE really knows anything about you.
I got some friends, but no close friends.
My highschool friends were just a bunch of people that didn’t really know what I do, or what I like, or even what the hell I am doing on Saturday night.

And I just got so so good at telling lies.

I started to fabricate stories, I tried to see what people want to hear.
I rate my stories, from 1 to 3.
With 1 being the stories that people love the most,
And 3 being the stories that people wouldn’t want to believe and likely say these 3 words: “You are lying!”
I wasn’t really sure why I did that, but I guess I really craved attention.
I wanted it, needed it, craved it.
I was like a moth to the flame of attention.
And, the worst part of them all? Everyone knew it.
I wasn’t really good at lying.

Was.

When I was in university, I was just so good at lying.
To the point where I could convince 99% of people around with my stories.
But then, I thought several times,
“What is the goddamn point of me doing that kind of shit?”
At some point, I got the courage to tell my story. My real story.
Not to people that I know, but to strangers that I don’t know.
And what I thought was..
“Oh, this is much easier than keeping up with all those story lines.”

The turning point was when I told her everything.

She was the first person to know what is happening in my life.
Like, everything, every single thing, from my most shallow to my deepest secret.
We had this one moment, where we lay down next to each other, and we shared our secrets, we share stories, we share things about our family, until it was almost 4 A.M.
It was one of the most beautiful moments she and I ever had.

But, I sometimes still lie from time to time.
Although I stopped making up story every since I met her.
If you ask me, how does it feel like to lie a lot about big things?
Well, if I still was me several years ago, I would say that it really got me attention, that it was really really necessary for my highschool life.
But right now, with me as I am right now, looking back on my past,

It was difficult, at first, not to judge the bot I had used to be.
I would cringe thinking about how obvious my lies were.
And just how horribly desperate I was for attention.
That is, until I realized something.
I was merely hungry for something that we’re all hungry for.

The feeling of being seen, really seen, and accepted.

Recovering from my bad habit was largely connected to my forming close relationships with her; the closer I got, the less I had to lie.
I opened myself in front of her, I was being so vulnerable to her.
And you know what? It was the first time I was so genuinely accepted by a person.
And what’s more, by the person that I so deary loved.

The more I’ve told my story the more I’ve helped others tell their stories, the more I’ve realized that the boy I used to be isn’t just an embarrassing part of my life that I can sweep under the rug.
Brene Brown said,

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

You see, that sort of desperate hunger for love and acceptance runs silently and rampantly through our society, and it’s not only happening to me.
It is currently destroying our courage and our relationships with one another.
I realized now that if we are ever going to be happy, we have got to come back to the truth about ourselves, because happiness is a journey that starts individually.
It starts with accepting and sharing things related to human condition that we all know about, but we are too afraid to share.

Maybe that is just one of the reason why I write so much since months ago.
I want to give courage to everyone by telling my stories.
My authentic, true, and honest stories.

Yes, I might still struggle with authenticity.
I might still struggling to live a completely honest existence.
But I know it will get easier.
I will be able to completely eradicate those habit of making small lies from my life.
I know with my willingness to go out and be myself in this stupid, wicked world that constantly shoving things into my face, I will be able to inspire people.

At this point, I just want to change, or grow, myself for the better.

I actually am glad that I could love her this much.
She made me want to be a completely better person.
She made me able to access all my bad habits.

Including this one stupid small habit of uttering small lies.

……

Dear Love,

There is so much thing that I want to say about lies and all.
Mainly because it was your lie that broke me to billions of little pieces.
Nevertheless, let’s put that event under the bridge.
Because eventhough you did lie to me, I still love you anyway.

If any, the love that I have for you grows, and keep growing.

I brought up this topic because I understand we both are alike in this matter.
I know that you constantly make up small lies.
Maybe not as often as I do to other people, but I know you do.
That being said, Love, I want you know this one thing:

You could be yourself in front of me.

Be you, be the most truest you, the most authentic version that you can be.
I am here not to judge you, I am here to love you.
You could be the most truest version of you in front of me.

And I will still love you for the way that you dress yourself.

I just want you to know, that I am still here for you.
I am still here, as your home, as a place where you can be you.
As a place for you when the world around you just become so weird, stupid, and exhausting; do remember that you still have me.
Do remember that I am here only to love and care for you.

And do remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what happens.

Always.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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