28-03-2016.

23:59

So this morning, I guess, was the turning point of my illness.

My condition was critical.
The doctors were discussing on what they should do to me,
And well, I went through several things, and injected by some meds and all.
And I’m stable enough right now to even jumping around the room.
Of course I won’t do that.

I told her this morning about my critical condition.
Honestly I sounded so desperate when I told her about my condition.
I sounded like someone that about to die and whined about their regrets in life.
I guess I was trying to be dramatical just because she and I had one unfinished thing.

But well, I know her.
I know how determined she is when she has already said something.
Last time, even though I really didn’t understand what was happening, she completely cut me off, leaving me totally oblivious on what happened.
I won’t deny that she’s stubborn.
And sometimes even though she’s wrong, she’s just still being stubborn as hell.

I know that it’s somewhat her bad habit.
But let’s not criticize her here.
If any, I was the one who was forcing her to answer something that she herself didn’t even know the answer to; although, I really didn’t know that she didn’t have any answer to the question.

Alright let’s stop mentioning what happened to me and her.
I was the one that said to her to wait for me to change after all.
Because, I don’t want to keep repeating the same stupid habit over and over again.
I want to have more patience, and I want to change this one habit of mine.
A habit that makes me lose my patience and asking her the same question over and over again even though she just doesn’t have the answer or doesn’t want to answer the question.

Why does it so hard to have a patience ?
I know every single man in the world was born with that thing called patience.
I was taught growing up that it was a virtue, but I was never taught why.
Patience sucks, that’s what I always thought.

Patience is fucking hard and it takes practice.
Patience is really about having the inner strength to stick to your guns, face your fears, repeatedly let go of internal expectations, and have trust that it will all work out in the end.

And now that I think about it, it really reflected myself in my everyday life.

Let me tell you lot my biggest weakness : Envy.
I always envious of others and their accomplishment.
I find it hard to be happy with them after they achieve something.
Well, to be fair, I was fully like that.
But I’ve partly changed – almost change in fact.
And I’m on the way to get rid of it once and for all.

What I am trying to say by telling you lot my biggest weakness is, I guess it has something to do with me being impatient when I’m handling other things.

I had a tendency to NOT finishing something that I have started myself.
Maybe that’s why, whenever I see people accomplish something, I get envious of them.
Or jealous, or whatever, I think those two are quite alike.
But let me use the word Envious here.

The more I think of it, the more I believe that bad habits like those came from ourselves.
Okay maybe that’s a common knowledge for some people.
But to came to it by myself, to realized it all by myself, is one hell of a thing.

So, here’s about me:

I am generally a lazy person, that gave me a habit to procrastinate.
With that habit, I have a tendency to lazily doing everything.
With the tendency of lazily doing everything, usually most of my works aren’t finished.
And with most of my works aren’t finished, I can’t achieve anything.

Maybe that’s where all of my problems come from.

Whenever I see someone with unfinished works, I tell them to finish their works because I usually don’t finish mine, and with it comes the lack of patience.
Whenever I see someone achieve something, I can’t rejoice with them and their achievement because it reminds me of my unable-ness to finish something; I became envious.
About that laziness, I’ve partly changed.
It’s not easy to change a lifetime habit in just few years.

Like I said, it’s easy for me to address my own flaws.
Fixing it by myself, is another thing.

Oh, well.
I still got a long long way to go.

But first, I have to fix this impatience for her.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry I was being a little bit dramatical today.
But believe me, if you were me, you’d be kind of scared shitless.

But I’m good, and I think my condition will improve greatly tomorrow.

Regarding patience,
I want to have patience with you, really.
I just want to really really really understand you since the first.
I’ve told you about it

But I need to have patience with myself first.

Love, I’m on my path to make myself better.
Maybe it’s not visible to you, but believe me when I say I’m trying to improve myself day by day towards a better man to be able to understand you.

Trust me in this matter.

Have faith.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

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