I had a discussion with someone today.
It came when I was talking to one of my co-worker in office chat.
The discussion came suddenly just because we were talking about random things.
It was somewhat a random discussion, I know.
But the strange thing is, any discussion discussed with my co-workers could always bring me some enlightenment.
We were talking about loneliness.
One of my co-workers randomly said that he was lonely.
Everyone in the chat laughed and mocked him.
Saying things like, “Get a girl!” or “Who doesn’t?”
One of them even said that he should search for another lonely person.
Just so he could go to that person and undo their loneliness together.
That was the end of the discussion.
And, the enlightenment?
Well, unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to say it in front of them.
But, what I got from that discussion about loneliness, and about what they said about two lonely people that could erase their loneliness by being together is…
It’s totally wrong.
Okay, maybe not totally wrong.
But it’s still wrong.
I am still disagree with their thought about loneliness and togetherness.
Doesn’t mean that one lonely soul could accompany another lonely soul, no.
Sometimes a lonely soul feels lonely because of the absence of the one it has always been longing for, not because it wants a company.
Yes, of course, I said that based on what is currently happening to me.
At most times, I do feel lonely.
But I don’t want another lonely soul.
I don’t want just a mere company to wash away my loneliness.
It is true that when I’m around my co-workers, I could drown in laughter or in interesting discussion for awhile.
But that is not the point, those things do not wash away my loneliness.
It’s like I’m trying to dry up the sea using only my both hands.
And sometimes, loneliness is.. Dangerous.
It could make a person choose wrong decisions.
Even some affairs are born from loneliness.
Although the most common cases come from misunderstanding and the couple’s inability to clear the problem and/or talking together as a couple about it.
But you see, loneliness can come when someone is unable to communicate something that they feel so important for them; for this point, maybe that’s why I always try to always be there for her.
I guess what people said about loneliness being the ultimate poverty is right.
I could connect my loneliness with my obliviousness of what happened to me and her.
But on that matter, I already know the answer.
And seems like you lot already knew that it really is not my strong suit:
Perhaps that is why sometimes I lost myself in anger or sadness.
Especially when I am talking to her.
Come to think of it again, perhaps this is why I always ended up forcing her.
Identifying own flaws are easy for me at this point.
I’ve already introspected myself many, many times.
The real challenge would be accessing it and changing it.
I’ve been trying to carry out a kind of on-the-spot meditation.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed or flustered by sadness or anger,
I stopped my thoughts altogether.
And I thought to myself that this is not the thing that I want.
That I am capable of fully changing myself.
That I am not the mistakes that I have made to her.
That I am doing this, mainly because of her.
She has taught me about changing myself for the better.
And she has taught me about life more than anything else ever did.
I guess it’s crystal clear now for you lot why I love her so goddamn much.
Before anything, let me say something.
That new profile picture of yours, you look awesome.
You would look even more awesome if only you don’t look almost as little as the kid beside you.
If someone decorate the kid with the same glasses and haircut as yours, and changed her place with you, perhaps no one could tell the difference.
Not even the little kid’s father.
In all seriousness, you should bring me Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essays for me to read.
I don’t know if they have it there in the library, but maybe they don’t, since Ralph Waldo Emerson was an American and the country you are in was part of the British Colony.
Or maybe not, that was just a stupid speculation that came from a sick man.
Okay, enough with the witty-ness and the history lesson.
Love, about the loneliness.
Yes, it’s solely because of the absence of you in my everyday life.
I’m trying to cope up with it, but like I said, you’re already in my mind.
And at the end of the day, or whenever I stop doing something, it’s always you that I think about, and it’s always you that my heart calls to.
About changing myself, I don’t know when, or how long that I could change.
Honestly, since more than a week ago, there were some situations that came to me that made me use my own method to control myself.
But those situations were not the right situation.
I know that I have to talk to you first before I can fully feel myself – whether I am changed, and successful with my method, or not.
Yet I promised you that I would change for the better about this forcing matter.
Love, right now, I could feel myself being more patient than before.
I don’t know if this is because I’m being sick, or because I really want to talk to you that I said that thing.
But one thing’s for sure – and please remember this very, very well:
At the time I tell you I’ve changed, please do believe me that I am.
Because I won’t directly tell you that I’ve changed if I haven’t.
I will make sure that the first time I tell you that I’ve changed, is the day that I am perfectly sure to myself that I am, changed.
Or let’s not use the word change here, because I am still the same person.
Let’s use the word… Growth.
So whenever I tell you that I’ve grown, please do believe me that I am.
I know that it sounded like a teenager trying to argue with their parents about how big and grown up they are, but I do believe the word growth and grown here is the right one.
If any, you’re the one with that little body and small frame anyway.
So you’ve seen what love can do to me.
Whatever it is that you’ve seen, please do not misunderstand.
Love makes me vulnerable, yes.
But it does NOT make me weak.
Because love is never weakness.
Love is strength.
Love makes you brave.
And the love that I have for you makes me dare to grow myself to a better person.