25-03-2016.

22:09

I changed my mind.
I’m not going to tell you lot what my illness is.

No particular reason, I just don’t feel like explaining things about my illness.

Long story (very) short, I took two blood test to confirm my illness.
And well, I immediately went to hospital late yesterday night.
I told her about what happened and told her to at least pray for me.
And like always, she didn’t reply.

What’s more, I told her about what happened to me and her.
I told her that I understand that she’s probably fed up about me and whatsoever.
I told her that I won’t disturb her and all until I’ve successfully changed myself.
Although, I don’t know if telling her about my condition could be described as ‘disturbing’.
I hope she doesn’t find my direct words to her ‘disturbing’

So, hospital.
What am I thinking while being jammed with IV needle on my left hand?

I guess the answer is obvious, her.

I tried not to.
Believe me, I did.
I was trying to concentrate only on my recovery.
But she’s always creeping in, at any given moment possible.
I wrote in one of my previous posts that I only think about her once,
Just because she never left my mind since.
That, is goddamn true.

Okay, my feelings are brimming.
I need to say few things to her.

……

Dear Love,

Have you ever heard of the book called ‘The Little Prince’ ?
It’s written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
Frankly speaking, it’s disguised as children’s book.
I thought of that too when I first read it.
And I.. I guess I was wrong.

In some way, the book is as profound as any philosophy or theology devised by man.

The book is full of meanings.
One of the story was, (spoiler alert) the Little Prince encountered a new flower.
The flower has four thorns, and believes herself that she is strong with her thorns.
She even believes that she could fend off tigers.
But, one thing that the Little Prince realized was:

The flower is a thing of beauty, and more fragile than she will ever admit.
And then, the Little Prince was off to find a way to protect what he believes to be the only flower like it, anywhere in the stars.

On that story, honestly, I saw the Little Prince as myself.
I tried to find a way to always protect you, whatever it takes.
Yet, it always seems like you do not need any help whatsoever from me.
And also, that flower reminds me of you and your image of being so strong.
You always proud of your capability to handle your problems.
Of your capability to ‘get up’ quickly after being shot down.
Of your perseverance in facing whatever it is that comes in your way.

There’s more to that book, and of course, more spoilers.
The Little Prince finally realized that the flower is just a rose after all.
But he learned an important lesson from a Fox:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
What is essential is invisible to the eye.

The Little Prince taught me things.
One of the most important thing is that happiness comes from within.
It was the love and caring that the Little Prince gave to the flower that made her unique unto all the world, and I guess, all the little pieces of paper in the bank cannot buy that.
Maybe that’s why I keep on caring and loving you all the way until this very day.

Because Love, it’s you, it’s always you.

You mean everything to me.
You are the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up, and my last thought before I go to bed in the night.
You smile at me in my dreams.
When you are sad, I feel sad.
And when I see your smile, I feel incredible like there is NO other being around, and all I can see is you, just you.

How could I stop loving you?
You might as well be.. My body part.
So I will always carry you.
And after all that we’ve been through, I could only say one two things right now:

One, you ARE brave, and two, I’m SO proud of you.

Proud of you, I said it hundreds of times, but, why brave, you ask?
Because despite all of this, in the face of all of this suffering,
You still believe in the light at the end of the tunnel.
You still have hope, even at the time when I almost lost mine, you light mine up.
And if you don’t agree about that being the very description of bravery,

Then perhaps we are all goddamn cowards anyway.

Maybe that’s why we have to keep going.
Because such sad sad thing have to happen.
Without them our lives would be meaningless.
Plus, aren’t problems are made so we could become the better version of ourselves?
Even a bird does not ask the sky to stop raining.
It will fly though the storm no matter what.

I know since the first time we said hi, you are made of all complicated things.
And I stayed because I admire the messed up version of you.
Because you always had a simplicity in the way that you laughed.
And, ever since that day, all I ever wanted is just for me to completely understand you inside out, even when you are out making sense of your soul with a handful of flowers blooming from inside of your heart.

All this mayhem we’re currently having,
And I still choose you.
Because Love, loving you had taught me more about life than anything else ever did.

No matter how broken you have felt,
No matter how many scars align your body, heart, and soul,
I will still see the letters in your hair.
I will still see the words on your lips.
And I WON’T EVER get bored of reading you.

No matter what people say about you, and your appearance,
I always believe that beauty is not solely in the face.

And you, will always be my living idea of perfection.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 

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