I don’t really know what kind of illness I’m having right now.
When I woke up this morning, I felt so so tired.
I wanted to take a day off and rest myself a bit.
But suddenly my team leader contacted me and told me that there will be a meeting that I need to attend around 1 P.M.
Cursing, I went up, took a shower, and went to the office.
After the meeting, I felt so tired and somewhat light-headed.
I immediately crashed at the sofa in the office.
I slept for two hours, and woke up even more light-headed.
That was when I realized that I’m too tired to continue working.
The tiredness added up from weeks ago, mainly because of my lack of sleep.
I knew that I need to go home and get some rest.
Unfortunately it was raining.
And I made a bad bad decision to walk through it to go back home.
My body and my joints were and still are aching.
Especially my left sprained shoulder.
My whole body was cold and I was having a high fever around 39.6 C.
And of course, I was thinking about her when that happened.
I asked myself, what will she feel if I told her that I was having a super high fever?
I mean, I know that she won’t say anything to me.
Few days ago when I got my shoulder sprained she didn’t even say anything about it.
And I don’t want to tell her what is happening.
Mainly because I don’t even know if she will care about what is happening to me.
One of the most saddest thing for me right now is being torn, wondering about her – whether she will care about me if I tell her what is happening, or not at all.
I hate overthinking things when I’m sick like this.
My head hurts so goddamn much.
And my overthinking only enhances the pain.
… I need some more rest.
I think I miss you.
I don’t know how are you able to shut your door and damming your feelings about us.
But it’s one of the hardest thing ever to do for me.
I know that you are trying to love yourself and all..
But it doesn’t mean you have to hold back and denying all the feelings that you have.
I hope you understand that there’s nothing wrong with feeling everything.