21-03-2016. [2]

23:55

Since few days ago, I have this one question stuck in my head:
 

“What keeps you going every single day when you feel like giving up?”

 
To answer that question, I could say few things related to my work.
Or maybe things about myself, or even her.
But you see, those things aren’t what really keep me going every single day.
There is only one thing that keeps me going on strong until this day.

Hope.

It might sounds simple.
But it’s the only true thing that keeps me going on.
I am hoping several things, mainly things about her.
And #1 thing on my hope list is..
For her to cool down and able to talk through our misunderstanding.
I mean, it was just so so simple, what she is doing to me is unecessary.
Okay, maybe not right now, maybe not soon, but I know that she will understand that what she is doing to me is just unnecessary.

You see, I always able to see the negativity in people.
About their flaws, about the things that they are lacking in.
Like I said in one of my previous post, I always try to bring out the best in people I care about, and I always try to help them access them.
I know that some of them might dislike my intention even though I mean no harm.
And after days and days of thinking, I came to a conclusion:

I need to access myself first before others.

Few days ago I talked about this with my sister.
Well, I suddenly want to talk about changing myself to someone.
And I want that someone to give me feedback.
Because of the latter, I can’t talk about this to her.
Because I perfectly know that she won’t reply my messages.
At least not anytime soon; I know she’s furious and fed up about me.
That’s understandable, and I know that I was wrong.
So, the conversation:

“I think I need to change myself.”
“I have a bad bad bad bad habit of forcing someone to answer things.”
“Yeah, I knwo its a bad habit. Ugh.”
“Answer me! What should I do?”

“Your personality is your character.”
“Your character comes from your habit.”
“You want to change yourself? Let me tell you it will take years.”
“I know that since kid you are always like that. You always force people to answer or to do things that you want, you’re somewhat selfish. In some way.”
“So you do understand that you are focring people to immediately do things?”
“That’s a good thing.”
“But I have to tell you, if you want to change yourself for the better, you will need time, and I mean lots of it, you need to have determination to change yourself.”

“Well I do have determination. But I keep going back to the start.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know it’s hard, your habit rooted inside you.”
“You see, you were like that since your were so so so little.”
“Do you understand now why I said that it will be so hard for you to change?”
“I had a bad bad habit, too.”
“But I stopped that since long time ago, I’ve changed.”
“You need to have a brake, and you need to access yourself.”
“I guess it’s time for you to change.”
“Don’t worry. You can do it. Go on, do it, you will change for the better.”

“I realized that if I want to change someone, I have to change myself first.”
“I can’t just ask people to access their flaws this and that blah blah blah, but in reality I haven’t changed myself, it’s not supposed to work that way, right?”
“I realized now that if I want to change someone, I have to start from myself.”
“Every single thing related to change starts from ourselves.”

“You’ve grown.”
“I’m proud to have you as my brother.”

“Haha!”

It was a short conversation.
And it was pretty much random, I was just having a random urge to talk to my sister.
But the thing is, it brought me another hope.
Another hope that keeps me going on every single day:

The idea I have of a better, improved self, that I have not yet achieved.

……

Dear Love,

I know now that I have to change myself before I could see you change.
I have to start with myself.
I have to repair my imperfections as much as I want to repair yours.

I just want to be someone who loves you with patience.
Someone who carries you with ease.

Someone who understands that you are not perfect but treats you as if you are.

And this, right now, I want to promise you.
And this one promise will NOT be one hell of an empty promise:

I will understand you, and accept you, AND love you as you are.
With all your imperfection, flaws, whatever it is that you have.

You have to know:

I will love your chaos – everyhing inside you – all that you have.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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