14-03-2016.

23:59

These days, there are few things that constantly kill me.

Not literally, but it always feel like they are trying to suck my blood dry.
It always feel like they are trying to break all my bones and left me dying.

Few hours ago I was thinking of going home early.
I thought, perhaps I should rest my body and mind.
At times like that one, I always remember what she said to me days ago.
She said to me to not to push myself too hard.
I don’t know if I have pushed myself too hard right now, but I think I did.

I was so, so exhausted I can’t even walk down to the bus stop.
My body felt like it was about to explode and tear itself apart.
I walked to the common room and crashed on the sofa.
And I slept for two hours.
As I was lying in the sofa, I realized that my work is going to be my own undoing if I keep on doing this kind of exertion every single day.
This work is going to kill me simply because I invest too much time in it.

It’s not like I don’t have anything else to do.
But I think I need to learn everything and fill my head with knowledge that I could get from my tasks and from my co-workers.
Honestly? I don’t really think it would kill me and all.
I continue doing my work just like usual.
I’m happy and I could say that I love my work. I do.

But, again, I know it will kill me if I keep on doing this.

I don’t use my work as a distraction.
But even if I do, I think I have done it without even knowing it.
I’ve gotten myself used to immersing my attention to my work, I even forgot other things; and by other things, I mean every single thing, not just about her.
Sometimes I even find that I completely forgot to charge my phone because I almost never touch it the whole day, just because I got my attention fully on my work.
Right now, all I am focusing at is to make myself better.
In terms of being one hell of an effective engineer and better person.
I don’t know if working overtime hours every single day and neglecting everything other than my work is called being a better person, but,

At this point in my life, I do not need anything else other than my work and her.

Work is just another thing in my life that is going to kill me.
Another thing is.. My longing.
At times, my longing for her could be so, so, SO intense.
Perhaps that’s why I think it’s better for me to mask my feelings with my works.
But when I woke up few hours ago, in the sofa,
I suddenly remember the time when we were sleeping next to each other.

I remember that our legs were entwined.
Our fingers laced together.
I don’t know how could we fell asleep that way.
We were rolling into each other until our foreheads gently kissed.
And we felt helpless, putting our hearts and souls in each other’s hands.
As we embraced each other in silent sympathy.

Missing someone is not just ‘a thing’ that one plans to feel.

Missing someone is almost equivalent to witnessing a four year old child misplacing their parent in the middle of the mall.
That moment of vulnerability.
That moment of fear.
All you want to do is cry and hope that a stranger will come to the rescue and help you find where you belong.

And it cuts very, very deep just like a fucking knife.

It never gets easier, it only gets harder as we grow older.
Sometimes we hear stories of older people who died of a broken heart when they lost their significant other.
In few cases, the pain becomes so unbearable, people end their own lives.
The worst thing one can do is to drown the pain in drugs and alcohol, since they are depressants that will only make us feel worse in the long run.
Maybe that’s why I just embrace the pain the best as I can.

……

Dear Love,

At time like this, I always take a very deep breath.
I always try to fill the void in my stomach with the air that I breathe.
But the pain is always the same.
I still miss you, and I still long for you.
And I wondered when will you be able to talk to me again.
And I wondered how could such small thing as a misunderstanding could tear us apart.
Nevertheless, I know that you are trying to love yourself.
And I perfectly understand that there is NO such thing as a goddamn moderation in trying to love yourself, you do whatever it is what you want to do.
But it’s not the same as selfishness and ego.
At this point, I really hope what makes us estranged is not your ego.

For your ego is always your soul’s worst enemy.

Speaking of missing you, yes, I do miss you every single day.
It usually comes at night.
And without any warning beforehand.
Don’t ask me to suppress this feeling.

I don’t want to dim this feeling not even the slightest little bit.
Why, you ask?

Love, Shakespeare said ‘What’s in a name?’ pointing to the uselessness of names.
But you see, some names are mentioned by others and we would remember them instantly, for them to hold their memories and their presences close to our heart.

But for me, there is a name, in which without mentioning it,
Would still take me in awe;
Would complete hold my breath;
And would choke me with tears.

That name doesn’t have to be mentioned.
That name is remembered in silence and in noises.
That name fills the dreams of my sleep.

In my life, I have met that name.

You.
 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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