It’s 8th of March.
And yes, I still feel the same kind of pain as months ago at this date.
On the date 8th, just every month.
But, just for this day, I don’t want to dwell to long in sadness.
I don’t want to put myself on grieving state.
I want to rejoice for good things that have happened to me and her.
Few days ago she told me that the only love that she could feel right now is the love she has for her family.
Beside that, she said that she just want to.. Love herself first.
She understands that to love people, she needs to love herself first.
And honestly, I do think that’s a good thing that she realized it.
It’s one hell of an admirable thing to do.
And she said that she did feel something about me and her.
She did feel love inside her heart.
But she shut the door, she built a dam to suppress her feelings.
And what I got from that is..
Is the fact that it does not mean that she can’t feel love for me. She could, but she just doesn’t want to. I don’t really know what her reason is, but I am going to respect her decision right now.
I am going to understand her that she just doesn’t want to let love enter her heart.
At least for now.
I know that there are still that needs to be fixed between me and her.
We misunderstood each other a lot these days.
Perhaps it’s because both of us are basically hard-headed.
I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.
All I want right now is that for her to be able to say things straightforwardly.
I really, really hope she will be able to achieve that.
Right now, I’m going to put myself a smile for the good things that has happened.
I know it was very, very, VERY hard for me.
And I believe she understands it perfectly.
But, I’m going to overlook the unfair and the heartbreaking part now.
and I’m going to focus on the good part that has happened to her.
What happened to her has made her realize her worth, that she just doesn’t need untrustworthy people in her life, that she really needs to be careful in selecting people – on who she can and can’t trust.
What happened to her helped her eradicate untrustworthy people from her life, it was not pretty, it clearly wasn’t. But still, it really helped her in removing stupid people from her life; and now I know that she needed it.
What happened to her helped her to.. Stop playing a certain game. While I know some of you might say that this is not really important, well, I guess, she needs to distant herself from games so she could focus on doing other important things. Such as ? Reading a book and watching a movie, perhaps? Not really sure, I was just saying it.
That’s why I just.. Don’t really want to dwell too long in sadness.
I just want to be patient in dealing with her right now.
Because I know that she is getting better and better every single day.
And, one more thing, this is my personal wish and opinion:
I guess what happened to her made her realize that there is someone that just love her so goddamn much, with such intensity and ferocity, with such beautiful madness, more than anything in this world.
That there is someone that will always be there for her.
That there is someone that is willing to change himself for her.
I do hope that she will realize and understand that.
I would be lying if I said that I’m not sad.
But I don’t want to really dwell in sadness today.
Like I said, I just want to focus on the good points that happened between us.
Love, have you.. Learned to suffer silently?
The words ‘I’m fine’ tumble from your mouth sounding more like ‘I’m sorry’.
And the smile on your face says that you’re trying to convince everyone else that you’re okay but your heart and mind beg to differ.
You try to make happiness out of pain.
If not for yourself then for the ones who come across you and it doesn’t help that no one has ever told you that it’s okay to hurt.
No one has ever told you that it’s okay to make room for yourself, so you go on being quiet because that’s what’s always made sense.
But let me be the first to tell you that YOU MATTER.
I know that sometimes your heart feels less like an organ and more like an reckless beast deserving of a cage stronger than your ribs.
But I’m telling you, again, you matter.
You were not made to destroy yourself for others.
You were not made to sacrifice yourself for the well-being of others that do NOT care about you the slightest tiniest bit.
You were made to be loved.
And I will love you, ferociously, in such a way that I will calm you.
Because you are a woman with a wolf’s heart;
That needs to be loved more loudly than most.
About saying what’s on your mind, Love, do not be afraid.
Or rather, do not be afraid with me anymore; it’s not necessary.
For we have been through so much already.
What’s left to be scared of?
Love, you have to know:
I just want to be your shoulder to lean on.
The one person you can count on.
The one that will be there for you through thick and thin.
And no matter what your problems are, no matter how difficult they may seem,
I want you to know that I will always have your back.