06-03-2016.

03:42

She and I had a little miscommunication.

It was somewhat stupid. Really.
The problem was simple.

She is currently constantly playing a certain game.
And I asked her if I could join her in playing that game.
She said no, and I asked her the reason.
She said nothing about it.
She said.. Well, that she is kidn of lazy to type.
I was kind of surprised.
Lazy? What kind of.. Reason is that ?

That made me curious.
I mean, it’s just so.. Stupid.
I just want to have fun with her, playing games together.
And no, I never want anything else in terms of playing games with her.
I just want to have fun, that’s that.
It’s just because she has some friends that play that games.
And I thought, maybe I could have fun with her and her friends.
Just that, really, and nothing else.

But she always put me out of her equation.
At this point I remember one thing that she said to me:

“I regret to have introduced you to my friends.”

She said that after I found out that she have lied to me about Facebook.
She thought that I found out about her lies from one of her friends.
Well, she’s not entirely wrong.
I did find out about her lies from one of her friends.
But it was just one of her “Facebook friend” that she actually never talk to.
I asked this one person that gave me screenshot of her facebook if she ever talked to her before, she said no, almost never.
So it’s not one of her friends that she has introduced to me.

Perhaps that gave her a trauma.
Perhaps that’s why she does not want me to get close to her current friends.
Another thing, I wrote this before, I was really angry to one of her (ex) friend that betrayed her; I unleashed my anger towards that person.
And she said that I made her situation worse.
I apologized, but I guess that left some impression on her.
Which is why she does not want me to get too close to her friends.

In short, she doesn’t trust me on the things with her friends.

I forced her to answer the question.
On why she just does not want me to play games with her.
She stayed silent, but eventually she said that she just does not have any answer for that question – that the question just can’t be answered.
And I thought,
“Well what the hell? Then why she didn’t say that earlier?”
I mean, she could just say that there’s no reason.
She could say that she just doesn’t want to play with me.

Or maybe she could say that she just doesn’t want me to interact with her friends and get too close to them; IF, that is what she really feels.

I guess that was another miscommunication.

Before this – I already wrote it – was because she just doesn’t want me to say anything related to love to her.
She gave me silent treatment for more than 3 weeks straight.
Looking at that case and this recent case, I could say one thing.

That everything would be so easily solved if she say what she wanted to say bluntly, clearly, and straightforwardly.
I mean, it’s going to be a win-win solution.

She could say something that she doesn’t want to, and I would understand it.
I understand, and I will do whatever it is that she wants me to do.
And I believe she will feel understood – I could guarantee it.
But I can’t do anything about it if she stays silent.
There’s a certain quote about this:

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

But I can’t listen anything to her if she doesn’t say anything, yes?
I would try to do whatever it is that she wants me to do.
Only if she says it outright to me – straightforwardly.
About silence, I could listen to silence.
But it’s not something that can be heard through messages.
Maybe that’s why I really hate if someone just doesn’t want to explain something via messages, just because it needs to be heard when you are literally with someone.
Regarding this matter, and this matter only, I hate technology.

The point is,
I want to be understood, and she wants to be understood; oh we both do.
It’s a simple matter, I know, but sometimes it’s just so hard to do.
Because sometimes we make ourselves complicated in that matter.
In this case, well, I do believe that she made the situation complicated.
Just like the last time.
Because she could just.. Say the reason to me straightforwardly.

I don’t want her to feel like she’s being forced to say things.
And I really, really, REALLY do NOT want to force to do things that she just does NOT want to do or say things that she just does NOT want to say.
But sometimes.. Sometimes she just giving me least hint.
Sometimes she’s torn between telling me or not telling me.

I have only one hope right now.
That she.. Would be able to say what she has in mind bluntly without much thinking; that she would be able to say things to be straightforwardly.

Perhaps it’s one thing that she needs to achieve right now.

And I hope she would be able to achieve it.
She’s trying to love herself right now.

I hope she will be able to achieve that thing along with loving herself.

……

Dear Love,

I do not really understand what do you feel.
I really want to understand you; Believe me, I realy do.
And I really do NOT want you to think otherwise.

I know that sometimes you have trouble in saying what you have in mind.
I don’t want you to feel suffocated, isolated, or even invisible.
That being said, I want to change myself for you.
I want to have the utmost time, patience, and skills to listen to you effectively.
And I hope, you are willing to say what you have in mind to me.
Just so we can perfectly understand each other.

I want to be a powerful listener to you.
Even at times when you do not really literally say anything to me.
I want to feel connected to you in terms of understanding.
I really want to be able to listen to you patiently and intently to your words and feelings – both expressed and unexpressed.
I want you to empty your entire heart, all your fears, disappointments, and pain; I want you to release all of it.

I just.. Want to be a pure, non-judgmental, patient, and emphatetic place where you get to express and feel understood, and even validated.

And you don’t even need to distance yourself from me.
Love, misunderstanding and miscommunication is very common.
Especially when it comes between two people that want to be understood by each other, miscommunication could be happen.
Let’s not make that event a trigger for another hide and seek.
It’s unnecessary, and.. It will only hurt both of us.

I will try to give you some space for now.
Perhaps not for long, I would still talk to you about any occassion happened.
But, if you want to talk to me, then please do.

Love, we are not high schooler anymore.
We both are adults.
Don’t let silly and simple things between us make us distant.
It’s stupid, and completely unnecessary.
If any, it only gives us chance to understand each other better.
Right?

One more thing,
Always remember that I will always be there for you, come hell or high water.
I might not always be there with you.
But I promise I will always be there for you.

Always.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


understood

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