05-03-2016.

04:46

So I got a chance to talk to this certain someone.

Someone that, well, you could say he was angry at me.
It happened when she and I were at our 1.5 months of relationship.
He was actually very, very angry at me and didn’t even want to talk much to me.
But yesterday, one of my friends were talking about love.
He, the one that was talking about love, went on and ramble about love for about 15 mins.
I said to him:

“I’m kind of envious on what you have.”
“You seem so lovey-dovey with that girl that you love.”
“Yes, I’m having a problem with that. I’m having a problem with a certain girl.”
“Can I give you an advice? Treat her well. You have to.”

I continued by saying some other stupid things.
And I proceed to say to them that I am being miserable these days:

“I really want to say that you guys are better than me.”
“You see, all I have these days are just miserable things.”
“I’ve said it. Nothing goes right except my job.”
“Why do you guys think I’m taking these overtime hours?”
“I’m trying to do my best in whatever it is that I could do.”
“Sometimes I think of it as distraction, but yeah, I know that it is wrong. And I am trying not to use my work as a distraction from what is going on in my life.”
“Something is missing from my life. And I’m trying to cope with it.”
“But really, at this point in my life, I just want to say that”
“My life is just so fucking miserable, and no matter what you say, yours are WAY much better than mine. Again, way much better.”

They went silent.
And this, one person, who was.. Angry at me that was once my best friend;
He suddenly spoke.

“About envious on what he have, why did you say that?”
“I got some female friends. One of them is having a problem with her boyfriend. But she never actually once say something like envious on what my other friends have. She might whine just a little bit, but she never say what you said out loud.”
“Do you know what’s missing from your life?”

“I do. I believe you know what it is.”

“Hmm.”
“And do you think you are the only one who’s miserable?”
“I got two conditions that I do not like in my life.”
“1. Work”
“I’m running my father’s legacy as you know it. But I do NOT like it. Not even the slightest tiniest bit. I just don’t like it. It’s not my passion. Everyday I go to work with this kind of thinking in my mind. But did you see me continuously whine to you about it? No.”
“I actually am afraid that this work will eventually take its toll on me. I will eventually stressed out, because I’m doing a work that I don’t like. I don’t want this. I don’t want all of this. But I keep doing it anyway for I don’t know how much longer I can bear this.”
“2. Girlfriend.”
“So, where is she? I keep asking and asking where’s my partner in life.”
“I don’t have to explain this second point. Because I think you understand it.”
“About why I’m not whining on my condition. Because I do believe that this is human. This is how life should be. I could live with this. perhaps for some people, let’s say, my parents, if I say to them that my life is so boring that I need to do something else other than working, they would be angry at me and ask me if I already got THAT much money that I said those things to them.”
“But for some people, some thinker, they might think that my parents are crazy. That they are so poor that all they have in their life are just money.”
“About what you said, living and breathing but not alive, I have never thought any of it, not even once, so I couldn’t say much about it.”

I literally scoffed.
Why? not because I thought that his thoughts were stupid. No.
But because.. Well, I feel pity towards him.
He is actually so different from me.
I am a feel guy, I think, but I let my feelings affect my mind.
Oh yes, I do think, I could do extreme critical thinkings well.
And what made me feel pity towards him was because he.. Is numbing his feelings.

He always try to do things logically.
And he always think about things thoroughly here and there.
I don’t say that’s a bad thing, No.
But it’s kind of.. Sad, you see?

Perhaps the reason he mad at me was because.. He never truly understand on how does love feels like; maybe it’s because he never felt love before.

He always think that this and that could be solved using his thinking.
But no, not about love. Love is not something that could be deal with your brain.
Love is a madness.
It is a goddamn beautiful madness.
And he needs to realize it if he wants to completely understand what love is.
He won’t be able to truly love someone if he keeps doing that.

And now I’m thinking, if he already fell in love before, would he understand me?
Would he at least understand why I did what I did?
I believe so. I do believe so.
I believe if he ever fell in love thoroughly he would understand me.
At least he would know that love, is just insanity decorated with flowers.

Yeah, that’s why I felt pity towards him.

……

Dear Love,

I know some people got their own portion of being miserable.
And I do believe that most people will think that their condition are the most miserable condition that has ever happened in this world.

But I guess, there are some things that people keep to themselves.
They might not look miserable on the outside.
But on the inside, some of them might feel miserable to some things.
I know I am not the most miserable person on Earth.
I know that there are some people that are more miserable than me.

But sometimes I just can’t shake this feeling.

Right now, I understand that you want time for yourself.
That you want to be selfish in terms of loving yourself.
That you want to feel happiness for yourself.
That you, want to love yourself first.

That’s admirable. I’m happy for you.

But one thing that I don’t get is..
Why do you shut your doors towards love?
Why don’t you just feel everything that came up from inside your heart?
Love, relationship is not supposed to pin you down.

Love is something that will make you feel alive.

It will give you wings.
It won’t set you up inside a cage.
It is not something that you imagine.
It will not suck your blood dry.
It will not rob you of your happiness.

It will set you free.

But yes, yes, yes; I know that you just want to love yourself right now.
You want to feel anything that is worth for you.
You want to prioritize things that you think you deserve.
But.. Love, you.. You deserve love.

You deserve the most beautiful kind of love in the entire universe.

I do not know how long can you hold back all your feelings.
And I do not know when will the dam that hold your feeling breaks.
I know, and I believe that you will feel everything.
And I know that when that day comes, you will be ready.

You will be ready to feel all the love inside your heart.

Love, we always accept the love that we think we deserve.
Since years ago.. I know that the feeling’s been inside your heart.
And so do I; it’s just the same for me.
So, do we think that we deserve this love?
DO you think that you deserve this madness that I am having?
Do you think you deserve this kind of beautiful insanity?
Do I deserve this kind of love?
Do I deserve this kind of.. Loving? With all of my heart ?

Yes. We both do.

Perhaps the reason that I can’t love you less is because..
Because you do not deserve a lesser love.

You deserve a love that constantly growing.
You deserve a love deeper than the ocean.
You deserve a love higher than the mountains.
You deserve a love brighter than the star – brighter than supernova.

You, deserve our love.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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