So I took a day off.
I got a bad case of cold.
Dry throat, runny nose, headache, body ache, you name it.
And I talked to her.
We talked for quite some time, talked about.. Well, random things.
I asked her about her day, and I told her about my day.
Which, pretty much spent on bed because of my condition.
I don’t really know what to talk about with her, honestly.
I was just trying to carry a conversation.
I want her to at least care about my condition.
But.. I guess I have to be happy with the fact that she is able to talk to me.
I really wanted to write.
But I just can’t find the right words to describe my feelings.
And thus, I wasn’t even able to write any poems, let alone sonnets.
What are they – my feelings – like, you ask?
It’s 90% yearning, and 10% sadness.
Yearning, because.. Well, obviously I miss her so goddamn much.
And sadness, because.. Somewhat my condition made me realize that I am not that important as I was for her; not anymore.
I got this selfish feeling lingering around.
A selfish feeling about how badly I want her to turn her attention towards me.
A selfish feeling, wishing that she would at least feel that same thing that I am feeling:
The pain of missing her, the sudden chaos in my gut that I get when suddenly I remember her – when suddenly I find something that reminds me of her.
Something like what I felt yesterday when I was brushing my teeth.
I know I have to erase this selfish feeling that I have.
I don’t really understand what she is feeling right now.
And I obviously can’t talk to her about it.
But if there’s one thing that I understand, is that she just doesn’t want to talk or hear or know about anything related to love.
And that, I guess, is a pretty good reason for me not to be selfish with my feeling.
I can’t have this lingering sadness inside my heart every single day.
Yearning is normal, I know.
But sadness? It came from disappointment.
The disappointment of what happened to me and her.
Of the lingering unfair feeling that I still have inside of me.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want anything about what happened to her and me.
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up to half a year ago.
Just at the time where she and I were so happy together.
Just before those assholes utterly betrayed her.
If I could scream right now, I guess I would.
Just to let go of this stupid feeling.
It feels like my chest is being crushed by someone with the biggest hammer available; and that person took out my soul and squeezed it dry.
I told her that I wanted to write something.
But until now, this one, single page in my book is still empty.
It’s still a blank page without a single scratch.
I guess my sadness made me unable to write anything.
Like I said, I just can’t find a word to describe this stupid feeling.
Ernest Hemingway once said:
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
Right, I am bleeding right now.
But what should I do – or rather, what would Ernest Hemingway do if he just can’t find the right words to describe his feelings?
Would he just sit on his chair with blood dripping from his body and pool of blood beneath his chair, doing nothing but grieving about his feeling?
I know I am way different from Hemingway.
He is the master of channeling out his pain and write it in words.
Me? I am just an ordinary person with complex, and complicated feelings everyday that often can’t be descsribed simply because I can’t find the right words.
But at least I am acknowledging my feelings every single day.
Whenever I miss her, I write it down.
Whenever I feel sad, or even devastated, I write it down.
Basically, I am trying to write down all the feelings that I have everyday.
I might be frustrated everyday, I might feel sad everyday.
But I know I am making progress.
I know that, like it or not, I have to accept the fact that she doesn’t want me to say any single words of love towards her.
My love and yearning towards her might not diminished, in fact they are getting stronger everyday; I even have some difficulties to write them down because of the strong feelings.
But my sadness, and my frustration is reduced everyday.
I don’t know how little, and I don’t even know how small the amount might be.
But at least, at least I’m consequently trying to put it down the trash.
I am trying to get rid of my sadness and frustration everyday.
Sometimes I am afraid to say some words to you.
I fear that you won’t like them, or maybe you won’t like what I said.
But here, here is different.
While I’m here, I could write anything that I want to write.
I.. I know that you will eventually read them.
But this is the only way that I could pour out my honest thoughts and feelings.
I really don’t want to say things that others have said to you.
I want to decorate your ears and eyes with words that belong only to you.
Words that could paint your essence and yours alone.
Love, you are a magical one, you know?
You are filled with such harmony and everything you touch clings to your body.
You, are an electric one.
I love you in oceans and galaxies and the air in-between.
With you there are no questions or answers or right or wrongs.
There is only love and words and silence.
And the explosion they all create togethe when your breath is on my chest,
And when your lips are on my neck.
All that is you into all that is me.