30-03-2016. [2]

22:12

Dear Love,

 

Don’t let people take away that softness in your heart.

Don’t let them change you into a person that definitely doesn’t make you feel better.

Some people will try to provoke you to do things you’ll regret afterwards.
Breathe and calm yourself before doing the things that caused by your anger.

Forgive those people who say bad things about you,
But I want you to know that it’s always okay to remember the things they did to you.
Not to bury the hate in your heart,
But to understand that there are people that doesn’t have the same kindness like yours.

Remember this, Love:
Don’t let them extinguish the light inside that beautiful heart of yours.

 

V.A.C.W.

30-03-2016.

01:08

I just found yet another thing of me that I need to fix.

I guess few days in hospital really brought me some enlightenment.
I was just remembering all the things that I’ve done.
Bad things, good things, mediocre things, stupid things, all of them.
And then I focused on the small – usually unnoticed – bad things.
I found out a thing that I’ve been tolerating all this time in my life.

Small lies.

I don’t know about you, but I used to lie.
In fact, I do lie a lot, I just deny it every single time I lie.
Why? Because they are all just small lies, they are unimportant, right?

Once again, I’ve never been so goddamn wrong in my entire life.

So, I lied, I lied a lot since I was in highschool.
I mean, we all do, and did, lie a lot numerous times.
One lie that I did the most was faking an illness.
Hey, it was a small lie, right ?
I was 17 years old, and being one of the most ‘badass’ boy in the school.
All I could think about was how to skip school as much as possible.
And I got to the point where I faked a total of around 45 illnessses in total just so I can have my day offs from school.
Real sickness was not included in those 45.
I kept lying, lying, and lying about my illnessses.
And it was easy, it was super-duper ultra easy.

Because, after all, I had no friends in highschool.

It’s sad, I know, but I’m just being real on what happened to me.
You see, when you have no friends, you can lie about anything.
And by anything, I mean just anything and everything.
NO ONE holds you accountable, because NO ONE really knows anything about you.
I got some friends, but no close friends.
My highschool friends were just a bunch of people that didn’t really know what I do, or what I like, or even what the hell I am doing on Saturday night.

And I just got so so good at telling lies.

I started to fabricate stories, I tried to see what people want to hear.
I rate my stories, from 1 to 3.
With 1 being the stories that people love the most,
And 3 being the stories that people wouldn’t want to believe and likely say these 3 words: “You are lying!”
I wasn’t really sure why I did that, but I guess I really craved attention.
I wanted it, needed it, craved it.
I was like a moth to the flame of attention.
And, the worst part of them all? Everyone knew it.
I wasn’t really good at lying.

Was.

When I was in university, I was just so good at lying.
To the point where I could convince 99% of people around with my stories.
But then, I thought several times,
“What is the goddamn point of me doing that kind of shit?”
At some point, I got the courage to tell my story. My real story.
Not to people that I know, but to strangers that I don’t know.
And what I thought was..
“Oh, this is much easier than keeping up with all those story lines.”

The turning point was when I told her everything.

She was the first person to know what is happening in my life.
Like, everything, every single thing, from my most shallow to my deepest secret.
We had this one moment, where we lay down next to each other, and we shared our secrets, we share stories, we share things about our family, until it was almost 4 A.M.
It was one of the most beautiful moments she and I ever had.

But, I sometimes still lie from time to time.
Although I stopped making up story every since I met her.
If you ask me, how does it feel like to lie a lot about big things?
Well, if I still was me several years ago, I would say that it really got me attention, that it was really really necessary for my highschool life.
But right now, with me as I am right now, looking back on my past,

It was difficult, at first, not to judge the bot I had used to be.
I would cringe thinking about how obvious my lies were.
And just how horribly desperate I was for attention.
That is, until I realized something.
I was merely hungry for something that we’re all hungry for.

The feeling of being seen, really seen, and accepted.

Recovering from my bad habit was largely connected to my forming close relationships with her; the closer I got, the less I had to lie.
I opened myself in front of her, I was being so vulnerable to her.
And you know what? It was the first time I was so genuinely accepted by a person.
And what’s more, by the person that I so deary loved.

The more I’ve told my story the more I’ve helped others tell their stories, the more I’ve realized that the boy I used to be isn’t just an embarrassing part of my life that I can sweep under the rug.
Brene Brown said,

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

You see, that sort of desperate hunger for love and acceptance runs silently and rampantly through our society, and it’s not only happening to me.
It is currently destroying our courage and our relationships with one another.
I realized now that if we are ever going to be happy, we have got to come back to the truth about ourselves, because happiness is a journey that starts individually.
It starts with accepting and sharing things related to human condition that we all know about, but we are too afraid to share.

Maybe that is just one of the reason why I write so much since months ago.
I want to give courage to everyone by telling my stories.
My authentic, true, and honest stories.

Yes, I might still struggle with authenticity.
I might still struggling to live a completely honest existence.
But I know it will get easier.
I will be able to completely eradicate those habit of making small lies from my life.
I know with my willingness to go out and be myself in this stupid, wicked world that constantly shoving things into my face, I will be able to inspire people.

At this point, I just want to change, or grow, myself for the better.

I actually am glad that I could love her this much.
She made me want to be a completely better person.
She made me able to access all my bad habits.

Including this one stupid small habit of uttering small lies.

……

Dear Love,

There is so much thing that I want to say about lies and all.
Mainly because it was your lie that broke me to billions of little pieces.
Nevertheless, let’s put that event under the bridge.
Because eventhough you did lie to me, I still love you anyway.

If any, the love that I have for you grows, and keep growing.

I brought up this topic because I understand we both are alike in this matter.
I know that you constantly make up small lies.
Maybe not as often as I do to other people, but I know you do.
That being said, Love, I want you know this one thing:

You could be yourself in front of me.

Be you, be the most truest you, the most authentic version that you can be.
I am here not to judge you, I am here to love you.
You could be the most truest version of you in front of me.

And I will still love you for the way that you dress yourself.

I just want you to know, that I am still here for you.
I am still here, as your home, as a place where you can be you.
As a place for you when the world around you just become so weird, stupid, and exhausting; do remember that you still have me.
Do remember that I am here only to love and care for you.

And do remember that I will always be there for you, no matter what happens.

Always.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


asdasdad

28-03-2016.

23:59

So this morning, I guess, was the turning point of my illness.

My condition was critical.
The doctors were discussing on what they should do to me,
And well, I went through several things, and injected by some meds and all.
And I’m stable enough right now to even jumping around the room.
Of course I won’t do that.

I told her this morning about my critical condition.
Honestly I sounded so desperate when I told her about my condition.
I sounded like someone that about to die and whined about their regrets in life.
I guess I was trying to be dramatical just because she and I had one unfinished thing.

But well, I know her.
I know how determined she is when she has already said something.
Last time, even though I really didn’t understand what was happening, she completely cut me off, leaving me totally oblivious on what happened.
I won’t deny that she’s stubborn.
And sometimes even though she’s wrong, she’s just still being stubborn as hell.

I know that it’s somewhat her bad habit.
But let’s not criticize her here.
If any, I was the one who was forcing her to answer something that she herself didn’t even know the answer to; although, I really didn’t know that she didn’t have any answer to the question.

Alright let’s stop mentioning what happened to me and her.
I was the one that said to her to wait for me to change after all.
Because, I don’t want to keep repeating the same stupid habit over and over again.
I want to have more patience, and I want to change this one habit of mine.
A habit that makes me lose my patience and asking her the same question over and over again even though she just doesn’t have the answer or doesn’t want to answer the question.

Why does it so hard to have a patience ?
I know every single man in the world was born with that thing called patience.
I was taught growing up that it was a virtue, but I was never taught why.
Patience sucks, that’s what I always thought.

Patience is fucking hard and it takes practice.
Patience is really about having the inner strength to stick to your guns, face your fears, repeatedly let go of internal expectations, and have trust that it will all work out in the end.

And now that I think about it, it really reflected myself in my everyday life.

Let me tell you lot my biggest weakness : Envy.
I always envious of others and their accomplishment.
I find it hard to be happy with them after they achieve something.
Well, to be fair, I was fully like that.
But I’ve partly changed – almost change in fact.
And I’m on the way to get rid of it once and for all.

What I am trying to say by telling you lot my biggest weakness is, I guess it has something to do with me being impatient when I’m handling other things.

I had a tendency to NOT finishing something that I have started myself.
Maybe that’s why, whenever I see people accomplish something, I get envious of them.
Or jealous, or whatever, I think those two are quite alike.
But let me use the word Envious here.

The more I think of it, the more I believe that bad habits like those came from ourselves.
Okay maybe that’s a common knowledge for some people.
But to came to it by myself, to realized it all by myself, is one hell of a thing.

So, here’s about me:

I am generally a lazy person, that gave me a habit to procrastinate.
With that habit, I have a tendency to lazily doing everything.
With the tendency of lazily doing everything, usually most of my works aren’t finished.
And with most of my works aren’t finished, I can’t achieve anything.

Maybe that’s where all of my problems come from.

Whenever I see someone with unfinished works, I tell them to finish their works because I usually don’t finish mine, and with it comes the lack of patience.
Whenever I see someone achieve something, I can’t rejoice with them and their achievement because it reminds me of my unable-ness to finish something; I became envious.
About that laziness, I’ve partly changed.
It’s not easy to change a lifetime habit in just few years.

Like I said, it’s easy for me to address my own flaws.
Fixing it by myself, is another thing.

Oh, well.
I still got a long long way to go.

But first, I have to fix this impatience for her.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry I was being a little bit dramatical today.
But believe me, if you were me, you’d be kind of scared shitless.

But I’m good, and I think my condition will improve greatly tomorrow.

Regarding patience,
I want to have patience with you, really.
I just want to really really really understand you since the first.
I’ve told you about it

But I need to have patience with myself first.

Love, I’m on my path to make myself better.
Maybe it’s not visible to you, but believe me when I say I’m trying to improve myself day by day towards a better man to be able to understand you.

Trust me in this matter.

Have faith.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

27-03-2016.

23:29

My condition is getting worse.

The doctor didn’t like the result of my blood test.
He said that my condition is deteriorating.
But, well, I don’t really feel anything strange in my body.
Except feeling so weak and sleepy almost all the time.

I don’t really know what to say or write.
And I don’t want to talk about my illness.
I got some poems that I want to write but I left my book at the office.

I think I’ll just say what I have in mind to her.

……

Dear Love,

I learned something while I’m here.
The more I let my mind wander around without thinking,
The more my mind wraps itself around you.

It’s like a thick tendrils of thoughts,
Growing like vines into every nook and cranny of my poor brain.

The very concept of your skin beneath my fingertips:
Infectious, and intoxicating.
The very idea of your mouth whispering my name:
Pulling me at the edges of my soul, unraveling the threads that hold me together.
My soul wants to be in sync with you.
Dancing your dance – moving in your rhythm.

I know I said this before, but I just want you to completely understand:

I want you on your good days and on your bad.
I want you on the days where you can’t make yourself get out of bed.
I want you on the days where you are being crazy – like dancing around your place in your underwear, eating three large boxes of pizza all by yourself.
I want you on the days where you make me want to rip my hair out.
And I want you on the days where my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

It’s you; I want you.

Whatever life throws at us, I want you.

I will always want you.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


2d1f7f6c320dc8b8d782c7f6ef1851f8

26-03-2016.

23:06

I had a discussion with someone today.

It came when I was talking to one of my co-worker in office chat.
The discussion came suddenly just because we were talking about random things.
It was somewhat a random discussion, I know.
But the strange thing is, any discussion discussed with my co-workers could always bring me some enlightenment.

We were talking about loneliness.
One of my co-workers randomly said that he was lonely.
Everyone in the chat laughed and mocked him.
Saying things like, “Get a girl!” or “Who doesn’t?”
One of them even said that he should search for another lonely person.
Just so he could go to that person and undo their loneliness together.

That was the end of the discussion.
And, the enlightenment?
Well, unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to say it in front of them.
But, what I got from that discussion about loneliness, and about what they said about two lonely people that could erase their loneliness by being together is…
It’s totally wrong.

Okay, maybe not totally wrong.
But it’s still wrong.
I am still disagree with their thought about loneliness and togetherness.
Doesn’t mean that one lonely soul could accompany another lonely soul, no.

Sometimes a lonely soul feels lonely because of the absence of the one it has always been longing for, not because it wants a company.

Yes, of course, I said that based on what is currently happening to me.
At most times, I do feel lonely.
But I don’t want another lonely soul.
I don’t want just a mere company to wash away my loneliness.
It is true that when I’m around my co-workers, I could drown in laughter or in interesting discussion for awhile.
But that is not the point, those things do not wash away my loneliness.
It’s like I’m trying to dry up the sea using only my both hands.

And sometimes, loneliness is.. Dangerous.
It could make a person choose wrong decisions.
Even some affairs are born from loneliness.
Although the most common cases come from misunderstanding and the couple’s inability to clear the problem and/or talking together as a couple about it.
But you see, loneliness can come when someone is unable to communicate something that they feel so important for them; for this point, maybe that’s why I always try to always be there for her.

I guess what people said about loneliness being the ultimate poverty is right.

I could connect my loneliness with my obliviousness of what happened to me and her.
But on that matter, I already know the answer.
And seems like you lot already knew that it really is not my strong suit:

Patience.

Perhaps that is why sometimes I lost myself in anger or sadness.
Especially when I am talking to her.
Come to think of it again, perhaps this is why I always ended up forcing her.
Identifying own flaws are easy for me at this point.
I’ve already introspected myself many, many times.
The real challenge would be accessing it and changing it.

I’ve been trying to carry out a kind of on-the-spot meditation.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed or flustered by sadness or anger,
I stopped my thoughts altogether.
And I thought to myself that this is not the thing that I want.
That I am capable of fully changing myself.
That I am not the mistakes that I have made to her.

That I am doing this, mainly because of her.

She has taught me about changing myself for the better.
And she has taught me about life more than anything else ever did.

I guess it’s crystal clear now for you lot why I love her so goddamn much.

……

Dear Love,

Before anything, let me say something.
That new profile picture of yours, you look awesome.
You would look even more awesome if only you don’t look almost as little as the kid beside you.
If someone decorate the kid with the same glasses and haircut as yours, and changed her place with you, perhaps no one could tell the difference.
Not even the little kid’s father.

Was joking.
In all seriousness, you should bring me Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essays for me to read.
I don’t know if they have it there in the library, but maybe they don’t, since Ralph Waldo Emerson was an American and the country you are in was part of the British Colony.
Or maybe not, that was just a stupid speculation that came from a sick man.
Okay, enough with the witty-ness and the history lesson.

Love, about the loneliness.
Yes, it’s solely because of the absence of you in my everyday life.
I’m trying to cope up with it, but like I said, you’re already in my mind.
And at the end of the day, or whenever I stop doing something, it’s always you that I think about, and it’s always you that my heart calls to.

About changing myself, I don’t know when, or how long that I could change.
Honestly, since more than a week ago, there were some situations that came to me that made me use my own method to control myself.
But those situations were not the right situation.
I know that I have to talk to you first before I can fully feel myself – whether I am changed, and successful with my method, or not.

Yet I promised you that I would change for the better about this forcing matter.

Love, right now, I could feel myself being more patient than before.
I don’t know if this is because I’m being sick, or because I really want to talk to you that I said that thing.
But one thing’s for sure – and please remember this very, very well:

At the time I tell you I’ve changed, please do believe me that I am.
Because I won’t directly tell you that I’ve changed if I haven’t.
I will make sure that the first time I tell you that I’ve changed, is the day that I am perfectly sure to myself that I am, changed.
Or let’s not use the word change here, because I am still the same person.
Let’s use the word… Growth.

So whenever I tell you that I’ve grown, please do believe me that I am.

I know that it sounded like a teenager trying to argue with their parents about how big and grown up they are, but I do believe the word growth and grown here is the right one.
If any, you’re the one with that little body and small frame anyway.

So you’ve seen what love can do to me.
Whatever it is that you’ve seen, please do not misunderstand.
Love makes me vulnerable, yes.
But it does NOT make me weak.

Because love is never weakness.
Love is strength.
Love makes you brave.

And the love that I have for you makes me dare to grow myself to a better person.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


imageedit_1_3674688685

25-03-2016.

22:09

I changed my mind.
I’m not going to tell you lot what my illness is.

No particular reason, I just don’t feel like explaining things about my illness.

Long story (very) short, I took two blood test to confirm my illness.
And well, I immediately went to hospital late yesterday night.
I told her about what happened and told her to at least pray for me.
And like always, she didn’t reply.

What’s more, I told her about what happened to me and her.
I told her that I understand that she’s probably fed up about me and whatsoever.
I told her that I won’t disturb her and all until I’ve successfully changed myself.
Although, I don’t know if telling her about my condition could be described as ‘disturbing’.
I hope she doesn’t find my direct words to her ‘disturbing’

So, hospital.
What am I thinking while being jammed with IV needle on my left hand?

I guess the answer is obvious, her.

I tried not to.
Believe me, I did.
I was trying to concentrate only on my recovery.
But she’s always creeping in, at any given moment possible.
I wrote in one of my previous posts that I only think about her once,
Just because she never left my mind since.
That, is goddamn true.

Okay, my feelings are brimming.
I need to say few things to her.

……

Dear Love,

Have you ever heard of the book called ‘The Little Prince’ ?
It’s written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
Frankly speaking, it’s disguised as children’s book.
I thought of that too when I first read it.
And I.. I guess I was wrong.

In some way, the book is as profound as any philosophy or theology devised by man.

The book is full of meanings.
One of the story was, (spoiler alert) the Little Prince encountered a new flower.
The flower has four thorns, and believes herself that she is strong with her thorns.
She even believes that she could fend off tigers.
But, one thing that the Little Prince realized was:

The flower is a thing of beauty, and more fragile than she will ever admit.
And then, the Little Prince was off to find a way to protect what he believes to be the only flower like it, anywhere in the stars.

On that story, honestly, I saw the Little Prince as myself.
I tried to find a way to always protect you, whatever it takes.
Yet, it always seems like you do not need any help whatsoever from me.
And also, that flower reminds me of you and your image of being so strong.
You always proud of your capability to handle your problems.
Of your capability to ‘get up’ quickly after being shot down.
Of your perseverance in facing whatever it is that comes in your way.

There’s more to that book, and of course, more spoilers.
The Little Prince finally realized that the flower is just a rose after all.
But he learned an important lesson from a Fox:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
What is essential is invisible to the eye.

The Little Prince taught me things.
One of the most important thing is that happiness comes from within.
It was the love and caring that the Little Prince gave to the flower that made her unique unto all the world, and I guess, all the little pieces of paper in the bank cannot buy that.
Maybe that’s why I keep on caring and loving you all the way until this very day.

Because Love, it’s you, it’s always you.

You mean everything to me.
You are the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up, and my last thought before I go to bed in the night.
You smile at me in my dreams.
When you are sad, I feel sad.
And when I see your smile, I feel incredible like there is NO other being around, and all I can see is you, just you.

How could I stop loving you?
You might as well be.. My body part.
So I will always carry you.
And after all that we’ve been through, I could only say one two things right now:

One, you ARE brave, and two, I’m SO proud of you.

Proud of you, I said it hundreds of times, but, why brave, you ask?
Because despite all of this, in the face of all of this suffering,
You still believe in the light at the end of the tunnel.
You still have hope, even at the time when I almost lost mine, you light mine up.
And if you don’t agree about that being the very description of bravery,

Then perhaps we are all goddamn cowards anyway.

Maybe that’s why we have to keep going.
Because such sad sad thing have to happen.
Without them our lives would be meaningless.
Plus, aren’t problems are made so we could become the better version of ourselves?
Even a bird does not ask the sky to stop raining.
It will fly though the storm no matter what.

I know since the first time we said hi, you are made of all complicated things.
And I stayed because I admire the messed up version of you.
Because you always had a simplicity in the way that you laughed.
And, ever since that day, all I ever wanted is just for me to completely understand you inside out, even when you are out making sense of your soul with a handful of flowers blooming from inside of your heart.

All this mayhem we’re currently having,
And I still choose you.
Because Love, loving you had taught me more about life than anything else ever did.

No matter how broken you have felt,
No matter how many scars align your body, heart, and soul,
I will still see the letters in your hair.
I will still see the words on your lips.
And I WON’T EVER get bored of reading you.

No matter what people say about you, and your appearance,
I always believe that beauty is not solely in the face.

And you, will always be my living idea of perfection.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 

imageedit_1_8790628213

23-03-2016

23:27

Dear Love,

 

I want to be lost.

I want to lose myself in you.
Somewhere deep inside your thoughts,
And burned deep inside your mind.

I want to swim – glide across your soul.
I want to entangle myself in your essence,
And drenched in the intangible.

I want to be one with your heart,
Fade away and spark with every synapse.
Let me grasp your air.
Let me be your voice.

Can I be your moment?
Can I be your clarity ?

Can I stay with you ?

I want to be lost.

Lost in the poems inside you that paper can’t handle.

 

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

22-03-2016.

23:11

I don’t really know what kind of illness I’m having right now.

When I woke up this morning, I felt so so tired.
I wanted to take a day off and rest myself a bit.
But suddenly my team leader contacted me and told me that there will be a meeting that I need to attend around 1 P.M.
Cursing, I went up, took a shower, and went to the office.

After the meeting, I felt so tired and somewhat light-headed.
I immediately crashed at the sofa in the office.
I slept for two hours, and woke up even more light-headed.
That was when I realized that I’m too tired to continue working.
The tiredness added up from weeks ago, mainly because of my lack of sleep.
I knew that I need to go home and get some rest.

Unfortunately it was raining.
And I made a bad bad decision to walk through it to go back home.
My body and my joints were and still are aching.
Especially my left sprained shoulder.
My whole body was cold and I was having a high fever around 39.6 C.

And of course, I was thinking about her when that happened.

I asked myself, what will she feel if I told her that I was having a super high fever?
I mean, I know that she won’t say anything to me.
Few days ago when I got my shoulder sprained she didn’t even say anything about it.
And I don’t want to tell her what is happening.
Mainly because I don’t even know if she will care about what is happening to me.

One of the most saddest thing for me right now is being torn, wondering about her – whether she will care about me if I tell her what is happening, or not at all.

I hate overthinking things when I’m sick like this.
My head hurts so goddamn much.
And my overthinking only enhances the pain.

… I need some more rest.

……

Dear Love,

I think I miss you.
I don’t know how are you able to shut your door and damming your feelings about us.

But it’s one of the hardest thing ever to do for me.

I know that you are trying to love yourself and all..
But it doesn’t mean you have to hold back and denying all the feelings that you have.

I hope you understand that there’s nothing wrong with feeling everything.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


holdingback

21-03-2016. [2]

23:55

Since few days ago, I have this one question stuck in my head:
 

“What keeps you going every single day when you feel like giving up?”

 
To answer that question, I could say few things related to my work.
Or maybe things about myself, or even her.
But you see, those things aren’t what really keep me going every single day.
There is only one thing that keeps me going on strong until this day.

Hope.

It might sounds simple.
But it’s the only true thing that keeps me going on.
I am hoping several things, mainly things about her.
And #1 thing on my hope list is..
For her to cool down and able to talk through our misunderstanding.
I mean, it was just so so simple, what she is doing to me is unecessary.
Okay, maybe not right now, maybe not soon, but I know that she will understand that what she is doing to me is just unnecessary.

You see, I always able to see the negativity in people.
About their flaws, about the things that they are lacking in.
Like I said in one of my previous post, I always try to bring out the best in people I care about, and I always try to help them access them.
I know that some of them might dislike my intention even though I mean no harm.
And after days and days of thinking, I came to a conclusion:

I need to access myself first before others.

Few days ago I talked about this with my sister.
Well, I suddenly want to talk about changing myself to someone.
And I want that someone to give me feedback.
Because of the latter, I can’t talk about this to her.
Because I perfectly know that she won’t reply my messages.
At least not anytime soon; I know she’s furious and fed up about me.
That’s understandable, and I know that I was wrong.
So, the conversation:

“I think I need to change myself.”
“I have a bad bad bad bad habit of forcing someone to answer things.”
“Yeah, I knwo its a bad habit. Ugh.”
“Answer me! What should I do?”

“Your personality is your character.”
“Your character comes from your habit.”
“You want to change yourself? Let me tell you it will take years.”
“I know that since kid you are always like that. You always force people to answer or to do things that you want, you’re somewhat selfish. In some way.”
“So you do understand that you are focring people to immediately do things?”
“That’s a good thing.”
“But I have to tell you, if you want to change yourself for the better, you will need time, and I mean lots of it, you need to have determination to change yourself.”

“Well I do have determination. But I keep going back to the start.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know it’s hard, your habit rooted inside you.”
“You see, you were like that since your were so so so little.”
“Do you understand now why I said that it will be so hard for you to change?”
“I had a bad bad habit, too.”
“But I stopped that since long time ago, I’ve changed.”
“You need to have a brake, and you need to access yourself.”
“I guess it’s time for you to change.”
“Don’t worry. You can do it. Go on, do it, you will change for the better.”

“I realized that if I want to change someone, I have to change myself first.”
“I can’t just ask people to access their flaws this and that blah blah blah, but in reality I haven’t changed myself, it’s not supposed to work that way, right?”
“I realized now that if I want to change someone, I have to start from myself.”
“Every single thing related to change starts from ourselves.”

“You’ve grown.”
“I’m proud to have you as my brother.”

“Haha!”

It was a short conversation.
And it was pretty much random, I was just having a random urge to talk to my sister.
But the thing is, it brought me another hope.
Another hope that keeps me going on every single day:

The idea I have of a better, improved self, that I have not yet achieved.

……

Dear Love,

I know now that I have to change myself before I could see you change.
I have to start with myself.
I have to repair my imperfections as much as I want to repair yours.

I just want to be someone who loves you with patience.
Someone who carries you with ease.

Someone who understands that you are not perfect but treats you as if you are.

And this, right now, I want to promise you.
And this one promise will NOT be one hell of an empty promise:

I will understand you, and accept you, AND love you as you are.
With all your imperfection, flaws, whatever it is that you have.

You have to know:

I will love your chaos – everyhing inside you – all that you have.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


880877

21-03-2016.

I can’t unlove you.

I have always loved you.

I love you exactly as you are and for all the reason you feared
for the things no one ever could – for every mistake and every flaw.

I’m in love with both your chaos and your glory,
And with your greatness and beauty – in all that you are.

I love you at your very best and ugliest worst,
At how truly empowering the vulnerability makes me.

And I think about you a lot; all the time.
In the morning, at night, in the middle of my day.
It’s you; it’s just always you.
Ask me how many times I thought of you today,
And the answer is: once, you never left my mind since.

I can’t unlove you.

As if the coast could unlove the ocean,
Or the lung could unlove the breath,
Or the Earth could unlove the sun.

 

V.A.C.W
03:28