28-02-2016.

23:50

Couple days ago I was talking about how to love myself.
And I said I didn’t really know how to do it.

I realized that it has something to do with the thing called change.

If we want to change ourself for the sake of improvement or growth, then it’s fine.
But mostly, we want to change not because of those reasons.
Usually, when we aren’t satisfied with ourselves, we tend to loathe ourselves.
And when that feeling hits us, when we feel so dissatisfied with ourselves,
No amount of change could possibly convince us.
We will always feel unworthy, or unlovable.

That kind of self-loathing is pretty common these days.

For example, me.
I used to hate myself because I always give my all in loving something or someone.
I always try to do anything – and everything – for those that I love.
And when ‘that’ thing happened to her, suddenly I felt that everything that I have done for her is just not enough.
I told myself that I’m a failure in loving someone.
Even with everything that I have, it’s just still not enough to get her heart back from cynical state to a perfectly loving state.
Yes, there were times where I just really, really hate myself because of that.

It was like I was constantly trying to kill my own self while hoping for a rebirth so I could replace myself with someone better.

Yes, it really was that bad.
You see, people are usually more willing to share their stories AFTER it has already happened – once it has already labeled as a ‘past’.
From my experience, regarding to her, she didn’t even let me to see a glimpse of what happened to her, she kept the problems all by herself.
And few weeks after, she told me everything.
From that, I realized something.

It’s WAY less scary to say “this is what happened” or “this is who am I used to be” than “this is what I am going through right now” or “this is what I am struggling with sometimes.”

I know that I am not different from most people.
I really want to be loved and accepted, I do. She does. We all do. And I learn a little more every day that my own self-respect is the foundation of long-lasting happiness.
Who doesn’t want to feel that people actually completely understand us?
The feel that they get what we feel, and at the end of it, love us?
I think we all want to believe it’s perfectly okay to be exactly who we are.
Well, people can only love us if we believe that we are lovable.

I tend to tell myself that I am being selfish whenever I consider meeting my own needs; and this is something that I really should change.
Because most of the time I don’t consider my needs as a priority.
There are also some other signs of people that don’t love themselves:

Some people tend to compensate for who they are with apologies, hedging words, or clarifications for their actions, like they always owe other people explanations.
Some people beat themselves up when they make even the slightest mistake – this one, I saw in her; she tends to think that she is the most useless person in the world whenever unable to do something, or just simply doing something wrong.
Some people even feel overwhelming disgust or anger whenever they think about their flaws, simply because they do not love themselves.

I know sometimes it is challenging to love ourselves.
But life, is transformation; staying static is some kind of suicide.
It’s hard, but we need to realize how beautiful we all are inside.
People could see straight into our souls and say that we are beautiful.

I could see straight into her soul and tell her that she is beautiful.
I’ve done it – I wrote it hundreds of times.

But it all will be gone to waste if she herself does not believe in her beauty.
Well, at least she has someone that consequently tell her that she is beautiful.
If, she reads all my posts.
As for me, even though I don’t really have anyone that would tell me that I am amazing in my own way, I should try to love myself with whatever it is that I have.
And I just want to tell her few things about this.

I want her to know that she is NOT her worst mistakes.
She made mistakes, lots of them, I know.
I believe her past actions shaped her today, make her who she is now.
But she is NOT what she has been.
She doesn’t need to carry around labels or mistakes from yesterday.
It does not define her; whatever she has done, it’s over.
It does NOT have to brand her – not if she is making the conscious choice to do things differently than what she has done right now.
We all can judge ourselves by our weakest or strongest moments.
It’s a choice, it’s always is.
I just want her to focus on her strongest moments and feel good about it.
Just to remind her to love herself for who she is based on the good things.
And, of course, not on the negative things that has happened.

I want her to know that she has nothing to prove.
You see, no matter how successful someone is, there are always things that they are proud of and they are ashamed of; which, I believe, they wish people would see more of the former and less of the latter.
We, humans, people, want validation; it’s a human need, we feel connected to other people by getting some validation from other people.
And often when we feel alone, it’s because we believe we haven’t proven how good we are or what we can be.
Well guess what? It’s somewhat a wrong thinking.
We don’t have to show the world that we are good.
We don’t have to try to hide the things that we have done that looks bad for us in front of our eyes.
We just have to accept our authenticity, what we can do, and what we can’t do. For the latter, I think we just have to forgive and accept ourselves and trust that people will do the same.
Well, there will always be some people that will judge us, me, her, all of us.
But know that if they do judge her, then it’s just their reflection – it’s just because they do NOT actually happy with themselves, too; have pity on them.
I don’t know about her, but I would rather be real with people, and know the ones who accept me full; than pretend and then have to maintain the illusion that I am something I am NOT.
I want her to know that there is still me, that would accept her just the way she is; I want her to know that she just doesn’t have to prove anything to me.

I want her to know that her darkness is something valuable.
Like I said, she made mistakes – well, who hasn’t? We all do.
But because we made mistakes, we actually learned from them.
Because we made errors, and because we hurt, we could empathize when other people are hurting. We can reach out of ourselves and hold other people up when they need it.
Having strengths and weaknesses is very human.
If she didn’t have less flattering traits and stories, then she wouldn’t be as beautiful as she is right now at this moment.
She needs to know that her flaws are NOT liabilities; they are assets.

I want to know that she matters.
Some people could hurt other people with simple words.
For her, perhaps, it’s when those people say that she does not mean anything.
That they don’t need them, that she suddenly meant nothing for them.
Sigh. If only those people knew that it would leave a scar on her.
Sometimes, people just couldn’t believe that they mattered until someone really said to them that they are, matter.
I want her to know differently – I want her to know that she DOES matters.
Not only her soul and her being, but her whole life matters for me.
And of course, for herself.
I want her to know that she actually touch my life everyday.
Even if she doesn’t tell me about it.
Just a small – a very small act from her could make my whole day.
Maybe she doesn’t recognize it, but she makes a positive difference in me.
And, if you see from the big picture, she makes a difference to the world.
Because even the smallest seed of love from her is valuable.
It’s a seed – it’s valuable – it could grow.

I want her to know all of those.

About loving yourself, well, I haven’t always done this.
I haven’t always loving myself and telling her that she needs to love herself like this; I’ve let some moments slip away, bugging me in my head, and wishing that I was someone better.
But those moments have passed, and now, even though I am not fully happy, I could say that I am on my path to be happy with me.

And I want that love for her, too.
I want her to know that she deserves it.

I want her to learn what love really means.

……

Dear Love,

I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.
Well, perhaps you already know it, but, I just want to say this.

Take what I am about to say as an encouragement, okay?

Whenever you feel like you are not perfect, whenever you feel like something is wrong with you, I want you to remember that you are actually perfect.
I don’t want you to be obsessed with self-improvement.
You don’t bloody need it.
You, Love are playing the game of life as best you know how and trying to get better every day; I, do this too.
You, are capable of doing your possible best.
And you can NOT do someone else’s best, because you, are the best for you.

You make mistakes, I make mistakes; just like everyone else.

You are unique, and I am unique, no matter what people say about us.
You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you.
You, are the only hope to share what only you can.
There is NO such goddamn thing as the way you SHOULD be – as long as you are not hurting someone else. If you enjoy what you do and you bring no harm to other people, Love, you ARE living a beautiful life.

Because you are not someone else, and you will never becaome one.
You, are SOMEONE right now.
Whether you will influence millions of people, or mean the world to just one person – me – your impact is goddamn powerful.
And you need to realize it.

If people don’t like you, it’s their goddamn problem.
If they hurt you because of it, know that you DO NOT deserve it.
No one does. Full stop. End of conversation.
No debate about what people deserve, we live not to judge others.
And of course, not to harshly judge ourselves.

And love, I know you choose what you think is best.
I, right now, believe in what decision you made and you are about to make.
I know you think it’s best for you, or else you wouldn’t choose it.
As you get new information, as you grow stronger, and as you grow smarter,
I know you will make different choices.
Well, you are old enough to make rational and selfless decisions.
I believe in you.

Love, one last thing,
Always remember this whenever you get hard on yourself.
I hope it gives you comfort when you start thinking that there is a good reason no to enjoy your life right now:

Love, you are beautiful, inside and out.

And NEVER let someone else makes you think otherwise.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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