26-01-2016. [2]

23:36

Can I rant just a little bit?
Maybe it won’t be ‘just a little bit’.
But I’ll rant.

It will probably be the same thing as what I wrote two days ago.
But, well, I don’t really care.
Let me be truly honest and say whatever it is that I have in heart and mind.

Okay.

I think I miss her.
I said “think” because I am not really sure what the hell am I feeling right now.
It’s something like a hole at the pit of my stomach.
But I know it’s not because of my stomach that is acting up, no.
I didn’t eat anything stupid today.
But the feeling is still there, and it refuses to go away.

And the feeling is the same, constant aching feeling since months ago.

I’ve done everything that I can to make it disappear once and for all.
I tried to bury myself with words – reading things and even writing.
I tried to pour out all my feelings to papers.
I made numerous poems, all came from inside of my heart.
But it does not go away.
It’s as if it has become a part of my body.

I tried to distract myself my immersing myself in my work.
But as I said in one of my previous posts, I always think of her.
Everytime I stop working, everytime I put my attention to something else,
I always think of her.
So my work is not the way out of my longing towards her.
No matter what I do, no matter how much overtime that I take,
She will always appear in my heart and mind.

I even tried to hate her.
I pull out all my hate and put them into a single bubble.
And I looked at what’s inside the bubble,
I looked at every single hate-able thing that she has done to me.
But no matter what I do, they vanished in less than a second.
It took days to accumulate all the hate I have towards her inside of me.
And when I finally look at them as a whole, they vanished.
It was as if my love towards her laughed at those hate that I’ve collected, and blew them away like bunch of insignificant dust.
No, I absolutely won’t be able to hate her.
Plus, all I did was just making the ache more severe than before.

And so I stopped in trying to relieve myself from this aching feeling.
I’ll just leave it there.
It’s frustrating, yes. But there’s nothing I could do with it.
At least not for me.
I know that she could do something with this aching feeling that I have.
But I also know that she can NOT do anything about it at the same time.
Simply because she just doesn’t want to do anything related to love.
Heck, she can’t even talk to me freely.

Whenever I look back on what happened to me and her, I always wonder on how everything could happen? Or rather, why do they had to happen?

Right now, I am wearing a shirt that says:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
The funny and stupid but also sad thing is, I don’t know what is the reason behind all that has happened to me and her.
When will the better things come?
You see, I always try to keep my mouth shut about it and try to be patient, and also believe that something better will happen to me and her.
I still believe in those things.

But the question is – I’m going to capitalize the word – WHEN?

Yes, I know I’ve rant a lot about those things.
It’s almost half a year ever since that thing happened to her.
And you might think, why am I still acting like an idiot about her?
Is it truly about love?
Or is it about something else?
Wealth? Appearance? Lust? Or some other thing?
Yesterday, someone said this to me:

“What about her? Can’t you find someone better?”
“It’s just your dick aching up, and the pain went up to your stomach.”
“You said love, but here, we say it as a need for getting laid.”
“Bang another girl, you’ll feel better in no time”

In short, they implied that my yearning for her is all about lust.
Well, if they aren’t so far away I would definitely throw my mug to their faces.
I actually laughed at those words.
People are allowed to think whatever it is that they want to think.
They are allowed to sound their opinions, I don’t really mind.
They could assume anything that they want to assume.
But those words they said to me only show how low they regard something so beautiful as love; they think that because they feel different about something called ‘love’ then I need to have the same feeling as they have.

Well, they are horribly wrong, at least for me.

Love is not as shallow as getting naked in bed together and do stuffs.
Everybody could do that, it’s super easy.
But lying together on bed, with your loved one, and getting naked with both of your souls,
Now that, is love.
I felt that when I spent my nights with her, like what I wrote in my 7th Sonnet,

The divinity is just goddamn nameless.

……

Dear Love,

I think I caught a cold from yesterday.
Well, what can I say, I always get exhausted every single day.
I knew that I would catch something sooner or later.

And Love, look at those people that said those stupid things to me.
Isn’t it funny?
How people, who never care about you at all,
All of a sudden think they can judge you, they think they can tell you what to do when something you do is wrong in their eyes.
Seems like you, are not the only one that got those kind of people around.

I don’t think they understand how stressful it is to explain what is going on in your head when you do NOT even fully understand it yourself.

About my yearning for you,
Well, I don’t know what else that I have to say.
It’s been there since months ago, and I don’t have anything more to say about it.
You know about it well, as much as I do.
And I know you won’t even talk to me about it.

Although you should have told me.
You should have told me I would lose my mind loving you.
That I would find extreme beauty in your being.
That I won’t be afraid of the dark in you, oh in fact, I love it so goddamn much.
Well, even if you did warn me, I won’t even step back, not even the slightest bit.
If I knew that loving you would bring me this kind of madness, I honestly would be thrilled and feel like I could love you forever; well, I already feel like I will love you forever now.

You have to know, you.. Are the most vibrant flower I had ever found.
And I really wanted to pick you for my own, so I could witness your beauty all alone.
But, love is meant to continually thrive.
And you couldn’t do that trapped in just my eyes.
So I left you to grow, while watching you every single day.
And people might not realize it now, but you, you are the envy of every rose.
You, with your own thorns and beauty.

Love, you are the reason my heart can love right now.
I could never roam anywhere anymore.
Just hold me close, and whisper love poems.

I will whisper only the truth of what you mean.
Just give me your all,

And I will give you my everything.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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