23-02-2016.

21:45

I finally got the chance to talk to the so-called therapist.

Or Psychologist; although both of them are actually similar.
I don’t know, I didn’t even ask her real job.
All I know, she wants to help me make decisions and clarify my feelings.
I got the chance to talk to her few days ago.
The conversation was actually stretched here and there.
It’s like she was trying to get every single thing from me.
And once I’ve done talking to her, she confirmed what she has heard by asking me questions.

It was fine and all.
And she was actually a big help after what happened to me.
Few days ago, something happened, something related to my family that I can’t even write here because it’s.. I could say too personal.

I told her (not th therapist) about it, though.
She messaged me yesterday, and said that if I want to tell her the story, then I should really do so, and said that I need to cherish whatever it is that still could be cherished.
And I proceed to gave her few voice notes.
The only downside was, she said nothing after that.

And it felt like I was talking to someone that doesn’t want to listen to me.
Or, if I want to put it in a rude way, it was like I was talking to a wall.
It was, once again, a one-way conversation just like before.

But honestly, it’s okay.
I don’t know why she said nothing about what I’ve said, but at least she listened.
At least she cared enough to urge me to tell her about my problems if I want to.
And that, is more than enough for me right now.

Back to the first topic,
I was telling my current condition and my story.
And I was asking her (the so-called therapist) on what I should do.
Well, I could remember most of the conversation she and I had.
At least I remember the most important points.
And uh, I’ll skip the greetings and shits; They are unnecessary.

……..

“I’m a mess. I’m filled with problems.”

“Problems come to all men. It is only a matter of time. But no matter how complicated problems are, they have their own solutions. So, what’s bugging you right now?”

“I don’t really want to talk about my problems with my family or my friends. I got them. But One thing that I couldn’t pull out of my mind is about her.”
“I’m not really worried about her. Really. I completely agree on what you said. That’s why I told myself that I don’t really need to worry about her. You even said last time that I have to think more about myself. And I’m trying to do that.”
“But for some reason, I don’t know why, but.. I think she deserves more fun in her life. I want her to make some true, good and trustworthy friends, and have a lot of fun times with them.”
“I want her to once again believe in love that we have. To once again understand how it feels like to be truly alive, just like what she was months ago.”
“I can’t and even if I can, I don’t think I will be allowed to change someone’s fate. I can’t change what has happened. Even so, I still.. I still want to save her. I want to rewind all the things that happened to her and her problems. What should I do?”

“I think that’s pretty normal. Wanting to help someone that you love so much because it feels like you have the power? That is not weird at all.”
“About fate, haven’t you already changed her fate by just meeting her and coming into her life ? I don’t think you have to worry so much about it. And besides, what is most important is what she herself wants to do, and what she wants you to do.”
“She may or may not be able to think straight, and her feelings may or may not be filled with hesitation, but she is the one who HAS TO make that decision. She owns her life. I believe she is mature enough to make a rational decision without only thinking about herself. Once she decides something, you could do something for her.”
“And remember, don’t do it backwards. There is nothing wrong with helping her with whatever she decides to do, now is there?”
“You love her? Then do it for her. Not for yourself.”

“I don’t know what she wants me to do.”
“Last week she told me the reason of why she stopped talking to me completely. She said she just can’t accept lovey-dovey things. And I stopped, I stopped talking about it to her. I even stopped giving my poems and my writings to her.”
“But ever since that happened, it feels like she’s.. Keeping her distance from me. She can’t talk to me as freely as she was a month ago.”
“And I actually am quite frustrated on this matter.”

“Does she still messages you at times?”

“Ever since I apologized about that lovey-dovey things and seriously said to her that I won’t say anything related to our love, she sometimes messages me, just not everyday.”

“That’s one good example on what I said to you.”
“You actually do things for her. You don’t act according to what you want, but what she wants you to do. Now do you see the difference? See what happens if you do something for her and not for yourself.”
“Mutual understanding is important. And in your case, it is very important that you understand her. Don’t rush on things that you really want. Understand that she just doesn’t want to talk about relationship and loving things.”

“I want her to at least understands me sometimes.”
“Can’t she just put herself in my position and see just how unfair the condition is for me?”
“And besides, how could I understand her if she doesn’t even say anything to me?”
“That thing about lovey-dovey things, honestly, I didn’t even know that she just doesn’t want me to show my love towards her. Yet she kept being silent about it and just told me three weeks after the day she first stopped talking to me.”
“I can’t understand anything if she doesn’t say anything, can I?”

“I don’t object on what you said. You were right. People can’t understand anything about other people’s feelings without being told about them. And contrary to popular belief, silence does not explain anything.”
“Take an example from people that don’t want to get help about their feelings. People that stay silent about their problems, about their depression, or about their troubles. How could other people understand them?”
“If what you said about her being lazy to speak up her problems is true, then I could say she actually brought problems to herself. But for now, let’s look at yourself.”
“You are in a miserable position, I could see. But that does NOT give you privilege to be selfish nor the feeling to be understood by people all the time.”
“You said you accept what happened to you. I could see that clear as a day. But you don’t like it. Accepting and liking what you have accepted are two different things.”
“Being miserable is frustrating, I understand.”

At this point, I actually snapped.
Because it was as if she was talking about my situation like it’s something that so easy to be dealt with; like it’s just all fun and games; child’s play.

“How could you say you understand if you haven’t walked in my shoes?”
“I tried my best to do everything. And by everything I mean every thing.”
“But all of what I did doesn’t seem enough to make my situation better.”
“You were talking about my situation like it’s something easy to be lived with.”

“Maybe that’s what makes you so insecure.”
“The feeling of never be good or close enough to something or for something.”
“Okay, I won’t say anything about your situation right now. I will only give you one piece of crucial advice that you need to do before doing anything else:”
“Love yourself.”
“Because you stress over something that you can’t control and you can’t change. And that, is a sure sign of insecurities.”
“it’s a common problem these days.”
“People that stressing over their look, and take hundreds or even thousand of their own photos, just to assure themselves that they are as good as they think they are.
“People that feel the need to showcase their accomplishments to other people; to show what they can do. In fear if they don’t do it, they will feel unrecognized by another people. They seek unnecessary attention, oblivious of the fact that they need to first prove themselves to themselves before others.”
“People that worrying or stressing over small things, and usually complains that things aren’t good enough. Even themselves. One slight mistakes or misunderstanding could lead them to depression. Looking at the negative side of life is one sign of insecurities. This one is you. That’s why you always feel like you didn’t do everything good enough.”
“Believe in yourself. How could you make people believe in other things if you don’t believe in yourself? You said you want to make her believe in love. That’s noble, but you can’t make people believe if you can’t make yourself believe.”
“I’m not saying that you have to be easily satisfied on what you do, I’m saying that you have to be easier to yourself. You cannot make things better overnight. It’s a complicated lifetime process. You need patience.”
“You said you want to change your situation? You want to change her? It’s not hard, it truly is not. You just need to change yourself first. And you will see that people around you will change. Even she will notice that you have changed.”
“But before you start with yourself, don’t think of starting with others. You will never succeed. Say it to yourself, that you really need to change your perspective towards yourself. Again, love yourself.”

……..

It went on for almost half an hour.
I was mostly whining about things, about how miserable my life is.
I told her about my mind, and how it cluttered with a lot of thoughts because I think about everything, everything, and too much about her.
Because I think about the past, the present, and the future.
And because I think about scenarios that could’ve happened if I kept my lips sealed, or if I was brave and didn’t care about anyone’s opinions.

Yes, I have a terrible, terrible habit of jumping into an ocean of asphyxiating thoughts. Just like her (not the therapist).

And the therapist said the very same thing, that I need to love myself.
Because the train of thoughts came from myself.
She said that I could always say someone else or something else drowns me.
But I need to look at the truth that I drown myself because I don’t know how to be happy with myself, and everything that is happening in the moment.

And seems like running from it is not the solution.

Running from anything that can possibly disappoint me by immersing myself in my work is not the answer. It is not the goddamn solution.
She said that.. I will never enjoy life if I keep doing this.
I will always be in defense mode and never be truly happy.
The most eye-opening thing the therapist said was:

“You understand love. You love with all you have and with all your heart. I admire you. But don’t forget to love yourself. Love yourself just as hard as you love her right now. And, if possible, tell her to do so. You will see the change is just few months, or even weeks.”

Yeah, unfortunately I can’t say it to her.
She doesn’t even talk to me that often. Now how could I say something like that to her? What would she say? She would probably loathe me by saying that.
Why the therapist mentioned her? Because I told the therapist about what she’s been through and what she is (possibly) doing right now.
This is the least thing I could do for her.

But she is right, I couldn’t be selfish about everything.
I said billions of times that I want to understand her yet I am not really doing it and just insist to do whatever it is that I want to do.
True, I don’t talk to her as often as before. And I actually am afraid to talk things to her because I am afraid that I will make her upset by saying wrong things.
And sometimes, sometimes I just want to ask for her attention towards me by saying unnecessary things, and not because I want to message her.
I just want her to talk to me.

Okay.
Perhaps I really need to love myself more.

Speaking of Love Yourself, I remember she mentioned me about one song from Justin Bieber titled “Love Yourself”
And it hit her quite hard because of the lyrics.
I’ve just read the lyrics, and I could say.. I understand why she felt that way.
And I could say the song suits her.
It would fit her if she sings that certain song for those people.

At first I didn’t understand why the therapist told me to tell her that she really needs to love herself more.
But perhaps it has something to do with what happened to her.
Or not, I don’t really know.
I should have asked her about it.
But I could say it was an generalized advice.
Because we, humans, tend to forget that we need to love ourselves before loving others. And that, suits me well.

Now, the question is.
How do I love myself?

I am kind of.. Clueless about this thing.

……

Dear Love,

Thank you for what you said.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your care about me and my problems.
And that one thing that you said to me about cherishing things that still could be cherished, it really helped me through my darkest times.
And I haven’t explained to you why I said I need to re-think my whole life.
It’s because.. It’s because it feels like once again I got no one but myself.

Me, and my work.

Well, the therapist clearly said that I need to love myself more.
And immersing myself in my work is not a way out of my problems.
I remember that I wanted to say to you that your way of working and distracting yourself as a way to keep yourself sane is so wrong on so many levels.
But, Love, look at me right now.
I am doing almost the exact thing that you actually did.
Quite ironic, no ?
I remember one thing that I’ve read somewhere I can’t remember:

“The person you love is the very reflection of yourself. Because there are things in them that suits you and match you well. We are naturally attracted to people that shows us what we really are. It creates a magical bond beyond human understanding. This is why we could say that married couples are ‘alike’ with each other. Perhaps not on the outside, not on what people could see, although there are so many reports of look-alike married couples. But look deeper, look way past your eyes, and you will see that they are made for each other.”

I scoffed at those words once, really.
I didn’t believe those stupid, romanticized words, spouted by unknown man.
But now, and after what we have been through, I think I have to agree with those words.
Do you remember that time when we were eating a certain cooked fish?
If was one of many moments where we realized just how alike we are on the inside.
And we cherished it; we really cherished it together.

And Love, I have to say these words to you right now:

You are not the woman I wished for.

You are not the bones, or the laughter, or the weirdness that I ordered.
You do not consist of the madness I so desperately and achingly long for.
You, are tender, and sweet, and as soft and lovely as a bouquet of clouds.
You are more soul than body, more grace than bones, and more heart than lust.

But you are not what I wanted.

I don’t know which analogy or metaphor or words should I give you.
With tears in my eyes to tell you something that is as simple as the moon is bright.
That’s why I said it simply, with these common words:

You are not what I wanted.
You, are better.

Because, just like atoms and the solar systems, we are mostly filled with empty space.
But in your very presence, bathed in your life, filled with your courage,

I lacked nothing.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


25d157d860b9514fad8644a55eddb309

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s