20-02-2016. [2]

22:59

Last post before break.

Speaking of which, I was testing the hiatus page.
And I forgot to publish the edited version.
You’ll see on that page why I edited it.

Now, random thought from last night:
Sometimes I wish I could draw well.
Just so I could show what’s in my heart and mind.

I just want to put my thoughts and feelings out and show what they are like.

I could describe it using words.
Since my first post, I’ve explained my thoughts and feelings using my own words.
But sometimes it’s just not enough.
A picture could speak a thousand words.

Last night, when I was lying down on the sofa, my head was full of things.
I imagined few things.
And I really wish I could draw it beautifully on a piece of paper and show the world.
But, well, since I couldn’t draw, perhaps I should write them down.
I’ve done this before, in one of my post I’ve described on how her heart looked like when she was betrayed; when her trust was completely killed.

Now, imagine this:

Imagine you’re standing in front of walls – a huge one – extending from your left to your right, as far as your eyes could see. And it is a cold, cold day. There is not a single drop of snow around, but the temperature is just cold enough to make you chilled to your bones.
The wall was made from stone – and it’s freezing cold. If you look at your left, you could see the wall that’s extending to your left was vandalized – or I’d rather say decorated – with words. At the ground in front of those walls to your left, there was a long trail of blood.
If you look at your feet, you could see a pool of blood. And you could see that blood are dripping from your hands – your wrists – they are bleeding. You realized that you are currently writing using your fingertips, with your blood as your ink. And you, are writing a poem.
Your hands, body, knees, and even feet, are just so heavy and weak; and your wrists hurt; but you don’t want to stop writing on that wall. You don’t want to stop and take a rest. You are doing everything you can to warm those walls – even if it means you have to use your own blood.
And you keep writing; you keep writing on those walls with all the strength that you have. Hoping that perhaps, perhaps someday it would be enough to warm those walls.
Or should I say, her heart.

That was one of the things that I really want to draw.
I did make a poem out of it, but, again, it would be SO much better drawn.

It was just what I really felt.
I’ve said it thousands of times, I know that what happened to her made her cynical towards love. I don’t even know what she really feels about love anymore.
And I guess, because of me and my loving heart, she rejects me.
She doesn’t want me to show my love towards her.
And she can’t talk freely to me.

That’s why I portrayed her heart like a fortress.
Wintry fortress.
It’s as if she’s having her walls built up in a day.
And suddenly, I’m outside her heart without even knowing it.
Blunlty speaking, she kicked me out of her heart after what happened.

How am I doing outside?

Let’s say I’m happily killing myself with words.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, really.
All I am doing is writing things for her.
Honestly I don’t know if my words would be able to melt her heart.
But hey, if you never try, then you’ll never know.

I need to have more patience in this matter.

You see, I am making time my best friend right now.
But he doesn’t teach me anything other than being patient.
Once again, I remember what she said to me:

“Regarding matters like these, I have unlimited patience.”

Who would believe that she has one hell of patience inside that little body of hers?
And right now, I need that kind of patience.

Because other than things related to me and her, I got another thing to worry about.
One thing that made me want to stop writing for awhile.
And made me want to think about my life.
Now THIS thing, this fucking thing is really testing my patience.

Patience is self-suffering.
I need to remind myself on how to be patient.
Because right now, will all the things that I am facing at, I need to have patience.

Patience, is the key.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t really know what to say.
All I asked is for you to try to find your way back to me.
I will keep trying to melt your frozen heart.
Although sometimes, I need a break to think about things.

The truth is..
Something happened today.

Something related to my family about something that you already knew before.
I told you the story when were exchanging stories and secret that one night.
And that thing gave my whole life another blow.
One goddamn fatal blow that made need to think about my life once again.
That made me want to stop writing for awhile.

This is not about you. This is not about us, really.
I don’t want to tell you what happened unless I speak to you personally.
And by personally I don’t mean using messages.
I could use voice notes, but I don’t know. I just.. Don’t know about anything right now.
But do ask me if you want to know what happened.

And Love, I want to say some things.

I know that right now, you are going a long way alone, you, are going astray.
With no place around to rely on, and with no place around that knew your sadness.
And I know when the lonely night falls, you hope that the wind stops for awhile.

Now whenever you feel that, I want you to think of me as your song.
I want you to hear me while you are trying get rid of sadness from your heart.

Love, you have your favourite songs, yes?
Right now, let me be your most favourite song.
Until you could dream again, and until your wounds could heal,
I will be a song and protect your heart.
Even when you are weak and look (you actuallly are, tho) small,
I will hug you tight.

Remember me – as your favourite song – in your heart.
Close you eyes and listend hard to your heart.
Oh, Love, no, you can’t forget my melody.
I’ll be a song – your song – and wipe your tears.

And even when everyone leaves you, I will stand by you.

Until my life ends, and even with the last breath of mine.
I will become this one song of yours in the world.
Don’t you EVER forget that I will always be there for you.

Always.

 
Love,
Yours.
V.A.C.W.

 


patience.png

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