16-02-2016.

02:31

I was walking back home.

The sky was.. Strangely clear today.
I could see some bright stars in the not-so-dark sky.
And it’s mid february.
Jupiter is visible at the night sky as the brightest star (or planet) right now.
Those stars made me thinking.

How does it feel for her?

I mean, how does it feel for her whenever I say lovey-dovey things to her?
Again, I am trying to put myself in her shoes.
The last time I tired to understand her was when I tried to understand the feeling of being betrayed.
I even talked to a certain therapist online.
Perhaps I should contacted that therapist tomorrow. Or this weekend since I’m busy.

So, her shoes.
I’m trying to put myself in her shoes.
In European shoes size, she’s.. I believe she’s 35.
And that, is just so damn small; I’m 42.
They might be too small for my feet, I know.

But idiom-wise, small shoes size doesn’t mean smaller problems or easier life.

I know how does it feel to have a flashback.
The crushing feeling.
It’s as if my whole body is ready to explode at any given moment.
As if she is standing in front of me.
With all her dopplegangers, 100 of them.
Now it would be good if I could hug and kiss each one of them.
But they came to me not because they asked for hugs and kisses.

They screamed at me in unison.

With, let’s say, 100 different topics.
Imagine her and her 99 dopplegangers speaking 100 different things at the same time.
And I could hear every single one of those things.
All of what they said went into my brain and trying to gave me the deadliest brain disease.
Plus they were trying to make my ears bleeding by shouting straight in my ear.

But my case and her case are different.
Yes, she does have flashbacks sometimes.
But I wasn’t betrayed by my most trusted people.
I wasn’t stabbed in the back.
I wasn’t being pointed guilty by those who have stabbed me.
So, again, back to the question.

How does it feel like for her?

She once said to me she was having a flashback because she saw a certain quote in social media.
Which, I’m not going to mention it again here in case she’s reading my posts.
I don’t want her to have another flashbacks, no.
I just.. Want to understand her.
And what she’s been been through with that certain quote made me thinking.

That sometimes, the most little thing such as quotes is all that it takes to remind her.

The smallest goddamn reminder.
Perhaps that smallest thing could give her the worst feeling ever.
Something like..
Like her stomach has fallen 100 storeys, and crashed into the steel roof of a truck.
And then the truck exploded.

I know that loss is cruel.
I already lost her because of what happened to her even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

And speaking of her, she’s just messaged me minutes ago when I wrote this sentence.
Just like what people said: “Speak of the devil, and he doth appear.”
She gave me lyrics – a song.
And I know for sure that whenever she give me a song I should listen, and listen it well.

I can’t paste it here, but.. It’s about finding a way back home.
To find a way back to ‘you’.
I don’t know who she meant by ‘you’ here, but at least that’s what is written over there.
The song’s lyrics are nice.
But the most interesting part wasn’t the lyrics.
It was the melody that gave me the most heart-wrenching feeling.

Finding a way back home, eh.

To be honest, I’ve been waiting for months for her to say that to me.
Right now, I could only wish that she gave me that to say things about me.
Not about those people that betrayed her and left her stabbed on the back.
I wish she wasn’t talking about her loss of her trusted people.
And I wish she wasn’t having a flashback about them.

Because I know for sure that,
The days where we think we are finally past it are the days it will punish us the most.
Those days that appear as a complete fool, will turn back and fool us.

Those days will be our undoing.

Speaking of which, I know my words are getting uglier and uglier when I wrote at this hour.
I re-read my previous post and I can’t believe I wrote those things for her.
It was one of the most heartfelt letter I’ve ever wrote for her.
I guess I’m just too tired to write at this hour.
But like I said in one of my previous posts, I will write, write, and write; no matter how few the words that I am going to write, I will still write.

I need to pour out my honest thoughts and feelings everyday.

Well, I really need some rest.

……

Dear Love,

I’m exhausted from work.

But I’ve listened to the song since you gave it to me about two hours ago.
And.. I don’t know what to say.
It sure soothed me.
I just wish this is you, talking to me.
And trying to find your way back to me.

I still believe in what you said to me months ago.
That you will always find your way back to me.

because Love, I want to be the person you lose track of time with.
I want to be the one you miss after saying goodbye.

And I want to be the one you countdown to see again.
 
Love,
Yours.

 


light

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