13-02-2016.

23:01

And I didn’t go home.

I was awake until around 4 AM in the morning.
Since midnight to 4 AM all I was doing is just trying to finish my work.
And of course I’m not going to finish a month of workload in just one night.

I crashed on a sofa beside a window last night.

Speaking of which, my office is at 21st floor.
And even from there, the sky is still polluted and unclear.
Funny thing is, the view from here reminds me of her place.
Same unclear and polluted night sky, same city lights.

About her and what she said,
I never thought that my show of affections would be nauseating for her.
Because, like I said in my previous post, she never said a word about it.
She did say something about not talking about our relationship, and I’ve stopped talking about it.
Maybe I’m stupid, but I really never thought my direct words of love towards her would affect her this much.
I guess I really am just stupid, or just too block-headed to even realize it.

In my defense, she could’ve told me earlier.
She could just confront me directly and say that I shouldn’t say things related to love.
And I would stop; I really am.

She once said to me that she can’t take a hint for something.
That she would prefer someone say something to her directly than giving her subtle hints.
Perhaps that does not apply for the people she talks to.
I mean, like I said, she could’ve just told me and everything would be clear.
Think about it: if she just said it weeks ago, she and I would still talk freely right now.
I don’t really know what she was thinking, but the fact is, she didn’t tell me anything.
That is, until yesterday.

I guess I need to give her space for awhile.
I’ve been pestering her with my show of affections since weeks ago.
All without knowing that she just doesn’t want me to show my love to her.

Now, let me rant just a little bit.

She could’ve told me about it instead of being silent.
Right? Well, from my point of view, it’s very easy.
She could just say something like,
“Don’t talk lovey dovey things to me.” or,
“I don’t want to hear any of your shits about love when you are talking to me.”
And say that my love towards her is the last thing that she would ever want to hear at this point.

I’m not her, and I don’t know what she is thinking.
But again, I don’t think it’s complicated and all.
Although, humans tend to overcomplicate things when they are actually quite simple.
Yes, that applies to me as well.

If you want to be understood, then explain.
If you have questions, then ask.
Want something? Ask for it.
Don’t like something? Then say it.
Then why do simple things look complicated?
Mostly because we think about ourselves and the people we talk to.

I do have some things that I want to say to some people.
But if I say it bluntly and directly, I’m afraid that what I say would hurt them.
Or in some cases, we are just too afraid to ask some things to people.
Because we fear rejection.
We are afraid that they would be.. Angry, or dislike what whe said.

Well, such is life.

Months ago, before we went to sleep, I told her a story.
About someone that.. Got into a very big problem because she didn’t want to tell the truth to people around her for years. In short, the problems added up and when the people around her found out what the problem is, it was already too late.
The damage has been done.
After I told her the story, I looked her right to her eyes, and said:

“If you have something to say, if you feel something, if you have a problem – just everything, anything, I don’t care what it is, tell me. I don’t want you to be like her. I don’t want you to hide things behind me and built up problems that would crush us in the end only because you didn’t tell me earlier.”

She nodded, smiled, and said yes.

But I think it really is not easy to change her habit.
She tends to be afraid to say something directly.
Yes, unfortunately, she loves to hide things.
I don’t know what happened to her or what she is afraid of.
Or if her habit to hide things had anything to do with her past.
I think it’s the latter, though.

Enough rant. I need to finish my poems.
I’ve been reading William Shakespeare’s plays since afternoon.

And now I need to spend my time with my words.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry.
I really didn’t know that all my shows of affection would disturb you that much.
But let’s look at the positive side: we cleared one crucial thing about us.

Love, seems like we misunderstood each other.
On how both of us want to be treated.
You, with your loathe to lovey-dovey things, and me with my intentions to love and care about you everyday.
Now I understand that I don’t have to show it to you directly.

With what you said, I will stop doing few things.

I will stop sending you love messages.
This one’s obviously obvious because you obviously do NOT want to hear me utter any words of love.
Like I said, next time I got something to say to you, I will stop saying things related to love.

I will stop sending you my poems.
This includes sonnets, and my hand-written writings.
As you may know, almost all my writings are about love.
Especially my hand-written writings that I’ve sent to you.
There are some of my hand-written writings that I don’t want to put here.
Strictly because it is meant for your eyes only and I just want to handwrite it.

But I will still write.
I will still write things.
Even though you won’t see what is written on my book, I will keep writing things.
I will keep it for myself, for no one should read it other than you.

If you ask me, why do I write about you and for you so goddamn much?
Perhaps, the reason why I have only ever written about you is..

Because I have never loved anyone so much as I have loved you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


misunderstanding

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