10-02-2016.

22:44

Recently it feels like I’m tired all the goddamn time.

Physically, not mentally.
And at time like this, I remember one thing that she said:

“I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations.”

And I remember she said it felt like she’s tired all the time.
Well, she felt like that because of what happened to her.
I know that when someone said “tired”, it doesn’t always mean they are physically tired.
It’s not the same with me right now, though.

Lately I’ve been having some nights with restless sleep.
I don’t know what caused them.
Everytime I coem home from work, All I am doing – in order are..
Taking a shower, sitting and writing things, and then read books to sleep.

I guess it’s.. Because I’m thinking about her?

Let me tell you lot a secret:

Every night, before I close my eyes, I look up to the pitch black ceiling.
I put my right hand on my chest, trying to grab my cross necklace.
And I whisper, silently.
To who? God; hopefully; if He is listening.
Well, I know that He IS listening.
And I always say:

“Does she undertands the feeling that I have right now? This heartache? This feeling of longing that I have? Could you please tell her how I feel right now? Or at least.. Make her feel the same thing that I am currently feeling?”
“She needs You to touch her heart. I don’t want her to keep being bitter and cynical towards trust and love. Please. Please help her. I love her.”

The words might not always be the same, but the points are always the same.
Every single night.
And I’ve been doing it since October last year.
Yes, my yearning has turned into prayer.
Because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I can only pray to God to help her in her recovery process.

About my restless sleep, I don;’t know what to do.
Beside my yearning, I also thinking things about those people that betrayed her.
And what’s their relation to what happened to her.
I keep thinking of them – those people.

I guess I need a bedtime story.

But I don’t want a common, usual bedtime story.
I want a better story.
Or, the best one.
Or not. Screw bedtime story.

The only story I want to fall asleep to is her.

And her only.

……

Dear Love,

My words are getting ugly.
I can’t write well because of this tiredness.
But I will try to write my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been thinking about them.
And I’ve been thinking about you.
And.. Let me tell you my the result of those thinking.

Like it or not, you are going to meet people who feel.. Intimidated by you.

Because for some people, you are different.
You do not always follow the crowd.
And most people don’t know how to to react.
They don’t know how to accept a person that doesn’t act like them!
They are not used to someone who does not fit in.

Those people are the example.

And so, instead of bolstering your uniqueness,
They tried to make you feel like you are weird.
They tried to make you feel like.. You are damaged.
And they succeed.
They succeeded in making you isolated from other people.

About that, let me give you one piece of very, very useful advice:

Screw those people.
Let them say whatever it is that they want to say.
And let people around you talk about them.
Ignorance – in this matter – is needed. Badly.
Let me give you a quote:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

And that IS true.
Just say whatever it is that you really feel.
Say what you have in mind.
And you will see the true colors of people around you.
Who is open-minded, and who is just.. Like to justify themselves.
And whatever it is that you do, whatever it is that you are doing,

I will always be proud of you.

Why shouldn’t I?
If I am the only person in the world that is proud of you,
Let me tell you, it is not merely because of the love that I have for you, No.
Yes, I said this billions of times.
But I want you to know that I will always have your back.
I will always support you.

I will always be proud of you even if you failed to feel proud of yourself.
I will always believe in you even if you failed to believe in yourself.
Keep that well in your mind.

So, Love, do come to me and hold my hand.
I don’t want to harm you.
I just want to love you madly, and completely.

I don’t want to move too fast with you.
Because then, we will break things.
I don’t want to move too slow either.
Because we will miss things.
And if we don’t move at all, like right now,
We won’t be able to see things for how beautiful they truly are.

So let’s once again walk together, hand in hand.

Tell me your darkest secrets.
Open up your soul and let it all go.
Let me be the one who help you NOT to lose control.
Because I want to be the wings that you grow.
I want to shelter you from the world.

I want to make you believe that there’s some good in this world.
That there’s something far more beautiful than anything:

Love.
Our Love.
 

Billions of Hugs and Kisses,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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