Yesterday, someone asked me where there hell I have been.
I have stopped making contacts with my abroad friends since I moved to this town.
They called me on Skype and asked me if there’s something going on with me.
One of them, well, actually asked me if I’m still stuck with her.
And we talked for less than half an hour.
There was one moment where it was just me, talking about my feelings for her:
“I already have this feeling for her since 7 years ago.”
“And it keeps growing and growing; it does not going anywhere.”
“It hides itself for awhile, but it’s still there.”
“I can’t stop myself from loving her.”
There were mixed responses on the call; more like an uproar between those 17 people.
I believe I mentioned this one friend of mine that I sometimes talk to about things related to her.
But I never thought they (people other than this one dumb friend of mine) would have their own critical thoughts towards what I am going through right now – me and her.
And the best part of them is, they are from numerous different cultures accross the world.
Perhaps I should be kind of grateful to have open-minded people around me.
They went on and ramble things about how or what I should do.
Hell, they were busy talking about me and her as a topic:
And I don’t know if I should name all of them, perhaps I should try.
I’ll just write their conversations as I remember them:
A: “I don’t think that’s healthy. Constantly loving the very same person for 7 years is one hell of a feat. But it is NOT healthy, it definitely is not. At least I don’t think so.”
B: “Loving someone has nothing to do with health. It’s not a disease. Love is love. You don’t even need a reason to love someone. Personally I think it’s okay to love someone that much”
Me : “Love is a disease, tho. There’s a science in that.”
B : “Fuck you. I was trying to back you up ! Geez.”
C : “What about her? You haven’t told us anything. All you did was just telling Varus. And he’s the dumbest one from all 18 people in this call.”
Everyone laughed and agreed.
Except Varus, of course.
And I proceed to tell them the summary of what happened to her.
About what happened to me and her – our relationship.
And about how I continuously trying to show my love and care to her.
Finally, I told her that she’s ignoring me without telling me the reason why.
Varus : “Mate, I said to you many times that she’s like Jas.”
Me : “No she’s goddamn not. Stop comparing her to Jas.”
D: “That woman’s name is prohibited here. Do not mention her, please.”
E: “Nothing moves me more than that kind of love that you have. It’s hard to actually find a guy that could love someone as much as you do these days. And money, people these days connect love to wealth. I thought I would never see a love that honest ever again in my life.”
Me: “You’re overselling it. It’s not that much.”
B: “Nonono, I agree with Jane. I am a guy, and I probably shouldn’t say this, but if I were a girl, I would really want that kind of love that you have towards that certain girl. You said you felt so lucky to have her. But it should be her that think otherwise.”
F: “You’re not saying no homo?”
B: “No homo.”
G: “There are 18 people here. I would say that each one of them agree that the thing you have is good. Although, loving too much is a double-edged sword. I believe you perfecly understand why.”
H: “You guys are just unbelievable.”
D: “Well his story was unbelievable.”
H: “If there’s one thing you guys need to know, is never look at someone in awe for loving someone as much as what he’s doing to the girl that he loves. There is nothing romantic about his story. Tell me, what is romantic about having to convince someone to love you in return?”
C: “He IS romantic. My definition of romantic is.. Someone that loves someone completely with all their heart. Romantic should be defined as the manner of loving someone, and why people say that someone is romantic, is because they show it – with flowers, with so-called ‘romantic’ dinner. He is just bad at showing the amount of his love.”
H: “You don’t understand how it feels to yearn with all your heart. I believe he is bleeding everyday, but it’s because he would have it no other way. He accepted the pain while at the same time wishing that it would go away. And I bet there is only one person that could make it go away.”
Me: “You don’t have to tell me who.”
C: “I still think that what you have is somewhat awesome.”
D: “I said unbelievable.”
H: “How does it feel like to nurture and grow love for someone for straight 7 years?”
H: “That barely explains why you love her that hard.”
I: “I’ve heard enough. Let me give you an advice. It’s old man’s turn.”
E: “Go ahead, pops. I love to hear what you have in mind about him.”
I: “Nothing in life is certain. Especially love. If you have the chance, take it. I know you have been in love for 7 years, but it seems to me that you still don’t take all the chance that you have.”
B: “But he went through hardships just for someone. That’s not enough?”
Me: “Pops, believe me, I have done everything I can to get her back on track.”
I: “Not everything. Chance comes everyday. Everytime you wake up in the morning you have a fresh chance to do anything different. Everyday is a clean slate. And let me tell you once again, if you have a chance, even the slightest one, take it. Being patient is good, but it comes with a price: it gives us illusion about life. It always feels like we have every single time in the world to wait for it. But here’s the fucking truth: We do NOT. Especially about love. You are young, and I could say that you still have a lot of time in your hand, but don’t let that fool you. Do whatever it is that you need to do for her.”
A: “Pops, he needs to stop. It’s not healthy. He’s loving a wrong girl. A love that great shouldn’t be spent for someone as selfish as that girl.”
I: “It’s his life. And we can’t choose on who we love. And I think, 7 years is quite a long time for them. Let them be. From what I see, they are actually meant to be. It’s just not yet the time.”
A: “If he is meant to be with that kind of a girl, I feel pity for him.”
I: “No, Nan. You can’t say that. You’re 16 years old. Someday you’ll understand his feeling.”
A: “Don’t treat me by looking at me age.”
Me: “I don’t know what to do anymore, pops. It seems like I have done everything, really. And she’s ignoring me since two weeks ago.”
Varus: “Why don’t we erase the dark aura by playing some HOTS?”
I: “In 10 minutes, Varus. I need to help this young man make his decisions. Now, let me ask you: what do you want to do?”
B: “Play HOTS get win?”
Me: “I, uh, I just want to show her that there is more in this world than untrustworthy people. That there is something called genuine, pure and true love. I want to help her open her blinder and show her what she and I really have.”
E: “Can I say aww? Aww.”
H: “I almost cringed.”
J: “I’m trying to win a game here. Stop the shits, please.”
I: “Then do it. I think you have your own way to show your love. I don’t know what it is that you are doing daily. I am saying this not solely because I want to comfort you, it’s because I believe that a man like you will be able to touch people’s hearts with the way you love them.”
Me: “I don’t know what she is thinking, pops. Should I really do it?”
I: “You were so sure minutes ago. Listen, I believe she does have some fondness for you. I know she feels your love, and understand how mad your love is. Perhaps she has her own reasons. But don’t let that sway you.”
G: “Pops! Play! You too, feel guy!”
Me: “Nah, I’ll skip. I’ll read my books.”
I: “You’ll be good. Tell her how you really feel. Don’t cover them or tell lies. Say the truth. Be trustworthy. Be the best love for her.”
Me: “Thank you, pops. Thank you, really. But I don’t think it’d be easy. She closed herself up. And I don’t even understand why she is doing it to me.”
I: “Nobody said it’s easy. Nothing worth having comes easy. Now shut up and let me play.”
But what those people said made me thinking.
Is she still afraid of something that would makes us apart?
What if, suddenly, I’m gone from her life?
What if I stopped writing things once and for all?
What if I just vanished from her life, without a single trace?
What if I cut all the connections I have with her?
Will she come and look for me? Or is she going to do the same thing she did two years ago: do nothing and just continue living her life with someone that continuously leeching out her life without giving her anything?
But pops was right.
Lately I’ve been focusing on the fact that she’s ignoring me.
I’ve been thinking too much about it.
And instead of thinking too much about it, I should do what I do best.
I should go back to show the love that I have for her.
I need to show her all the love that I have.
I might not have the time to write poems, but at least I’ll try to write for her.
I want her to dive in into the depth of my feelings.
So she could completely understand my feelings towards her.
I really should get back to one of the purpose of me writing things:
I want to give my all in showing all the love that I have for her.
Those people are crazy.
But at least they are a bunch of open-minded idiots that could give me advice.
Pops was the oldest from all of us, he is.. 41.
And well, as you can see, he gave me a lecture, an useful one, I could say.
He made me remember on why I write things.
I know you probably have already known this, but..
My writings are all related to things about you.
My poems, are written from you.
You are the poem, and I was just merely wrote you on a piece of paper.
And Love, I want to remind you a very, very important thing:
I want you to know that you are worth fighting for.
You said to me once that fighting for someone is pointless.
Because every single person that you were fighting for, they left you.
But I want to remind you that I am still here.
I want to remind you that you were fighting for us.
You and I, we, were fighting so we could be together.
Not everyone left, Love.
I am still here.
I remind you almost everyday that I will always be there for you.
And yes, I might not be there with you.
But I will always be there for you.
I don’t know what you are actually doing, wandering around here and there.
I’m watching you from afar, and looking at every step that you take every single day.
Because from the start, when I looked deep into the stars in your eyes,
I was already prepared for war.
Because you really are, worth fighting for.
You are worth being brave for, and risking everything for.
Because when I do NOT risk anything for a love like this, I risk even more.
Perhaps you are wondering,
What kind of love that I want? What kind of love that I have in mind that I could go head over heels for you? That I could be so completely, madly, deeply in love with you?
I am not asking for a fairytale.
Not like cinderella.
I do not ask for magic pumpkins that could magically turn into a horsecart.
I do not ask for magic shoes that I could have to fit them in your feet.
If anything, I want to be in this love like a gladiator.
With sword, shield, and armor.
And I would gladly fight until the last drop of blood for you.
I would fight for you over, and over, and over, and over again.
Because you, my dear, are already my favourite thing to fight for.
Did you know that?
I already knew it since the first time I said hi to you.
I don’t even need to know that you could eat 20 adult servings in one go with that little body of yours to know that I am going to fight for you like crazy.
And I want you to know.
We are worth fighting for.
What we have is not some petty, stupid, little thing..
It’s something great, and grander than everything that you know about affections.
What we have is a true love.
What we have taught you to understand what a true love is.
If a mediocre kind of love is worth fighting for,
What about this kind of love? mad and passionate and extraordinary?
Like I said,
It worth every single drop of my blood.
I will fight for you.
Perhaps it might sounds crazy to fight with only words and little things such as caring messages.
But it is all that I have right now.
And I will prove myself on what I said to you about my promises, and my vows to you.
It is the closest thing to actions that I need to genuinely prove to you.
Yes, it won’t be easy.
There will be many, many drawbacks.
Especially with my impatience and my feelings.
But I am, getting more patient and patient every single day.
However slow it is, I am still making progress to be patient.
To make friends with time.
Like pops said,
Nothing worth having comes easy.
We might have been fighting for 7 goddamn years.
And seems like it won’t end anytime soon.
But I am going to hold on to the words you told me months ago:
“If in the end we are going to be together, I am fine with waiting.”
I am not exactly ‘waiting’ for you.
I don’t know what is this called.
Let’s call it continuously loving you.
For now, I will keep fighting, and fighting, and fighting using all that I have.
I will fight my words to you.
Pen as a sword, paper a shield, and messages as a battlecry.
Sit tight on one of the audience’s seats, Love.
And watch me fight for you will all that I have.
Watch me fight for you, and for us –
For our love.
Billions of hugs and kisses,