It has been 5 months since the last time she said “Happy Anniversary!” to me.
Honestly, my days have been way easier since I caged my own heart.
Since I stopped listening to what my heart says.
But, just for today, perhaps I should let him loose.
Perhaps I should unlock the cage and let him out.
And let him do whatever it is that he wants.
I don’t really know what she might think of this day.
I know she would feel something at the sight of the date 8th every month.
She once wrote a letter for me related to the date of our anniversary.
And I still remember the contents of the letter.
One thing that I remember the most was:
She wrote that she’s afraid of anything that would makes us apart.
We did finally be together again after two years of being estranged.
And we were absolutely happy; like I said,
Our relationship is a very, very sweet and wonderful relationship.
We are madly and deeply in love with each other.
Until ‘that’ happened to her, which broke her trust towards me.
I actually did not understand on why did she keep her problems secret from me.
Because when I think of it, at the day where I met her the last time, where I gave her a birthday present, she was already struck by the betrayal from her so-called ‘friends’.
That is actually not important on why she kept it as a secret from me.
I believe she had her own reasons.
But what cracked my steeled heart the most is the fact that she wasn’t able to trust me, in just one day after her (ex) best friend turned towards her and stabbed her in the back.
I had nothing to do what what happened to her.
I did nothing wrong.
All I wanted to do was just to help her with everything that I got.
I wanted to console her.
I wanted to assure her that even if all those people gone from her life, she still have me.
That I will NOT go anywhere, nor doing whatever it is that those people did to her.
Yet all I got was these painful words from her:
“I know that you will be there for me. And I know it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. But I just can’t trust you after what happened. I CAN’T and I do NOT want to trust people anymore. Trust no one and I’ll be safe.”
It was the first time I cried so hard.
Even my hands were shaking like crazy.
As if I was walking on the highway to insanity.
How could someone turn so cynical and bitter in just one day?
Until this day, I just do NOT understand how that thing could happen.
All I know, she was deeply shaken, and I jammed that reason down my throat without understanding it.
Yet I strived on. I strived on to make things right.
I believe she still has love inside her heart, buried by her fear.
Yet, again, she told me another words:
“I tried to fix myself. I tried to make everything alright. But I just can’t.”
Those words cracked my heart.
Because after all that I did for her, they meant nothing for her.
As if she forgot on what we actually have.
Although I went on with my cracked heart.
And the killing blow was when she lied to me about her hiding something.
Because I trusted her completely.
But she took my trust for her and slammed it down the floor, completely shattering it.
Along with my heart.
I do NOT know how is it that I am still able to madly in love with her even after she completely broke me; my heart might be in millions of tiny little pieces, but my love for her is still intact – unbreakable.
And now, she’s completely ignoring me, again.
Just like what she did to me months ago.
I do not know what is happening nor what should I do with this situation.
No, I don’t blame her on what happened to me and her.
People have their own capability on handling their own problems.
I was not in her shoes, so I do NOT have the right to say that it was wrong of her to throw her trust to me or it was wrong of her to completely throw our relationship away – thus breaking her promises.
I’m trying to constantly give my love and care to her every single day.
But now, the days are getting harder and harder.
I keep wondering what did I do wrong that she just completely ignores me, when two weeks ago she was just talking to me like there wasn’t a single thing that is wrong between us.
And the result is, I actually am afraid just to wish her a good morning or a good night.
I just don’t understand why she just don’t want to reply my messages.
Like I said, it only took a mere 10 seconds just to reply me with a single word like “yes” or even “okay” yet she chose to say nothing towards me.
And it is honestly frustrating.
Nothing is going right in my life except my job.
Perhaps that is why I really hate weekends.
It’s like every single thing that is not job-related, is just not reachable.
I want to have a good and normal family, but some people are just kind of don’t
want to understand anything and prefer that something does not exist.
I want her to talk to me at least few minutes everyday.
But she just completely ignoring me without telling me what in the world is going on.
I just want to live happily with the woman that I love.
Yet even though I didn’t do anything wrong, even though I tried to be the best for her,
Someone else came and broke her trust and made her unable to stay in a close relationship.
I know everyone deserves to be happy.
But sometimes, I ask myself:
When is it my turn to be happy ?
All I want in this world right now is to be happy with the woman that I love.
Yet all she does right now is completely ignoring me.
Without even telling me the reason why.
Please tell me if there is anything more heartbreaking than that.
At this time I remember what you said.
A stupid thing to say, perhaps; but I still remember it completely:
“When you cut yourself, the outside pain seems to numb the inside pain.”
You know the downside of writing things like this?
It’s.. It’s always feels like I cut myself open on the inside and feel all the pain that I have felt before.
You could say that I am always bleeding inside while writing things.
And sometimes, at time like this, when my feelings start to wreak havoc inside of me,
I want to take the sharpest knife available and starts to carve my own skin.
Just to really understand if it really is could numb the pain from the inside.
I won’t do it, though.
I vowed to you, and to myself that I won’t cut myself.
And I said to you that I won’t beaten by a mere depression.
Love, perhaps you don’t understand this even though I say it to you thousands of times:
Being ignored by the person you love the most is the worst feeling ever existed.
And you, are ignoring me.
You literally make me feel the worst feeling ever.
I know you have your own reason.
But can’t you just tell me if I did anything wrong ?
I’m not a psychic. I can’t understand everything that you are thinking or feeling.
I can’t guess things correctly without knowing it from anyone else.
When I think about it, it is funny on what people could do to us.
This, our condition right now, with you ignoring me,
Is perhaps the aftermath of what happened to you months ago.
I don’t know, Love; It hurts so fucking much.
To think that I finally found you after years of being estranged to each other.
Now we are back to square one – it’s as if someone told you NOT to talk to me.
It’s as if someone forbid you to contact me, just like what happened years ago.
Love, I just want to be happy with you – the woman I love the most in this world.
And I think it’s one of the simplest thing ever in this world.
Because love is simple, being happy is simple.
But people and conditons are not.
And right now, it’s as if the universe is conspiring to stop myself from being happy.
I am, gritting my teeth and being patient and make friends with time.
I know you need time, I need time, and we need time.
But sometimes, it’s just so hard to patiently wait for something.
Especially with you ignoring me like this.
It makes me feel like I absolutely do NOT deserve to be happy.
Perhaps it was the right choice to keep my feelings in cage.
See, when I let it loose like this, I start to pour all my feelings out.
I start to ramble my honest and truest feelings.
Love, I know maybe I do not deserve happiness.
Maybe I do not deserve your attention for now because you don’t want to feel our love.
Maybe I am not welcomed inside your frozen heart.
Maybe I do not even deserve one little wish at my birthday.
And maybe all I deserve is bleeding to death after I stupidly slit my wrists and wrote my writings in front of your heart using my own blood, thinking that I could easily melt your cold heart.
But I could use a little affection.
I could use a little faith from you about us.