05-02-2016. [2]

23:42

I messaged her.
I said to her that messaging her feels like a dilemma.

Because if I don’t message her at all, there’s always something that I want to tell her.
I want her to know what is happening in my life.
I want to share my happiness and my sadness; everything.

On the other hand, if I keep messaging her, I actually feel kind of sad.
Because she just does NOT want to reply every single message I sent to her.
Even on little things such as asking where the biggest bookstore in town is.
Plus I’m afraid that all I’m doing by messaging her is just bothering her.

And I’m stuck on this dilemma.

I don’t know what to do.
It keeps bugging me every single day and night.
Because I just don’t know what is going on with me and her right now.
Yes, okay, she’s ignoring me, that’s crystal clear.
She definitely don’t want to talk to me; not at all.

But why?

Two weeks ago we were just fine.
We were talking about things related to her exams and assignments.
And I asked her if we could Skype, she said no.
And it ended there.
Although, I got flashbacks about what she said – everything – all of them.
About why she just doesn’t want to trust people and don’t want to get into a relationship.
About why she just want to have some time alone on her own.

And then she has stop replying ever since that day.

Was it because of the flashbacks?
Is that the sole reason why she is ignoring me?
If it is, then why? What is it with me having a flashbacks ?
Frankly speaking, if she is ignoring me because I was having a flashbacks,
Then it’s just completely unfair for me.
Because she’s having flashbacks, too.
I remember when she said she’s having a flashbacks about what happened to her after she looked at a certain quote in social media, I believe the quote says :

“If we stop being friends your secrets are still my secrets; I’ll stick to my word regardless.”

She was flustered about what happened to her.
She told me that those people acted like the one who were bleeding, even though it was her who was stabbed in the back.
And she said she needs time to see flowers as flowers, not knives.
She told me all of those, and I was okay with that.
In fact, I was wishing if there was something that I could do to her.

But it’s not okay for me to be flustered because of what she said to me, that she has to completely stop talking to me without telling me a single reason why?

If she really is thinking that because I was having a flashbacks then she needs to completely stop talking to me once and for all, then it’s just.. Unfair.
It’s bloody unfair.

See? The unfairness is just coming again without me realizing it.

I don’t know what is happening, and I don’t want to judge anything about her.
But I keep guessing and guessing and guessing on why she’s doing it.
Why she’s ignoring me completely.
And all I got right now is because I was having flashbacks.
Because it was the last topic we were talking about.

Apologize?
I already made my apology to her about having flashbacks directly in front of her.
I said sorry for having a stupid flashbacks directly to her.
And I don’t know if she accepted my apology, but the fact is she’s still ignoring me until this day.
I know she’s easy to forgive people, but she’s just hard to understand.

I even practiced pause to stop getting flashbacks in front of her.
I stopped letting my heart to dictate me on things.
Yes, I’m a person that use my feelings more than my brain.
I’m a proud person with 99% feelings and 1% brain.
Although the drawback is – just like what happened – I could get flustered easily.
Solely because of what I felt.

And so, I thought, the best way to stop that is.. To stop having a heart.

I even already paid the price: by putting my own heart in a cage.
It’s still screaming its feelings, and it’s very, very loud.
Its voice echoes in my soul.
I know I can’t really change what I am inside; we all can’t.
But perhaps by doing this, I would be able to control my feelings better.

Maybe that’s why I am starting to be once hell of a workaholic.
Because when I start to use my brain, I stopped hearing sounds from my caged heart.
When I am immersed completely from all the workloads that I have.
Perhaps that’s the reason why I’m not excited about this weekend.
I want to work more.
Even 7 days a week would be perfectly fine for me now.

Because whenever I stopped working, it reminds me of her.
And what I’m going through with her right now, is one of the hardest thing to do.
What I meant by one of the hardest thing to do is..
Not talking to someone you used to talk to every single day.

Someone who means so much to you.

I would understand whatever it is that she is doing.
Or at least trying to understand her.
Even if she is ignoring me.

Just not being completely ignored WIITHOUT knowing the reason why.

…. Definitely not like this.

 

V.A.C.W.

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