One of my co-workers wear a shirt with these words written on it:
“Its not about forcing happiness. It’s about not letting the sadness win.”
I smiled at those words.
I looked at my tattoo on my left wrist.
I guess it’s right, it’s about not letting the sadness win.
But sometimes sadness just overwhelm us without we know it.
Just look at people with their depressions.
For me, I said to her that I won’t be defeated by a mere depression.
Talking about sadness, there are actually two types of sadness:
There is the one where you feel it.
Where your body reacts to an event in your life.
Where your heart aches against its will at the loss of friends.
Or at the words people said that cut you open.
The kind of things that made you say “I am sad, because of..”
And there’s the second kind, the one that I have.
The worst kind of sadness.
The one that resides in your bones with no source.
The one that you wake up to on some mornings.
Even though the sun shines through your blinds and you have to squint your eyes to see life breathing outside, you feel sad, just so incredibly sad.
The kind that follows you around and weighs on your shoulders.
And you can’t attack a problem with no source, no.
I wish I could just say “I am sad, very sad, and I don’t know why.”
But it often comes out as “I’m fine.”
Even with months after that happened, I still feel sad and all.
Someone said to me,
“Don’t make your job routinity.”
But at this rate, I just want to get immersed in my job.
I don’t want to call it a distraction, but it does reduce my sadness.
I just want to do things that I love.
I remember what she said to me:
“What’s the deal with days moving so fast? It’s actually good.”
“You see, I can’t wait to be a full-timer.”
Well I don’t really understand her.
I said to her that I am afraid days will moving so fast I won’t be able to do anything.
Well, she said to me to list things that I want to do and do it anyway.
But at this rate, I have so little freetime.
I don’t know about weekend, but, well, I think I’m going to spend my weekend for reading my books and writing things, especially my unfinished poems.
I just hope that I won’t miss some beautiful or important things.
Especially things related to her.
I kind of wish I could invite you to my office and give you a tour myself instead of just giving you photos about what is happening inside the offfice.
And I want to say things about us.
I actually miss you.
Yes, you might already know it very, very well.
And I really want to tell you about how I miss you.
But I don’t think it would change anything at this point.
So all I could do is just keep being silent.
I don’t even think that I should say I love you directly to you.
Because, again, I don’t think it would change anything.
Yes, I’m sad.
And even though I could say I know the source of this sadness,
In reality, I just don’t know why.
There are some stupid things that trigger my sadness.
Some mornings when I just wake up with a void in the pit of my stomach.
Whenever I check my phone every 15 minutes, hoping that you would magically message me.
And another stupid things that I have or haven’t mentioned you.
Love, let me say this again:
With promises or not, I will always love you.
No matter what happens, I will always have my love for you stored in my heart.
And there’s nothing I can do with it.
It’s been.. 7 years, yes?
And the feeling keeps growing.
Not even time could erase a feeling this strong.
And I hope, you will finally be strong enough to find our love once again in your heart.
Yes, it won’t happen overnight.
But it will happen.
Remember what you said?
“One thing that I’ve learned after these 5 years is that, we will be fine.”
Hold on to those words.
It will give you the strength you need.
Believe in its power.
We’ve gone through numerous things together.
Forced to bury our own feelings deep somewhere we don’t know.
And now it’s your feeling that is actually hiding somewhere.
It’s not lost, love never goes away.
It waits for you to once again be strong enough to find it.
Which is why I believe you will be fine.
We, will be fine.