01-02-2016.

22:11

First day of work.
How was it?

In one word : Awesome.

The environment was super fun and open.
There are almost no structural tension between co-workers.
Literal structure, yes, of course.
But there’s no such thing as ‘my boss is always right’.
And I think I’m going to love this place.

I gave her a photo related to my work.

About her, I actually messaged her this morning.
I woke up with a bad dream.
A dream that was too short to be written in the journal:

I dreamed that I was with her, talking about things I just can’t remember.
And then I vanished into thin air, all I was doing was just looking at her from her side.
She was crying.
I could felt her sadness – that nothing seems to go right.
She was struggling with her work because her projects are on path to failure.
She was completely stressed out because she’s afraid of the result of her final exam.
She was stressed out because of what happened to her months ago.
And she was stressed out because of what happened to our relationship.
To sum it up : nothing in her life is going well right now.

And I woke up.

I sat on my bed and thought that maybe I was just dreamed of myself.
Perhaps what I dreamed of was the reflection of myself.
But.. It felt so real, and I don’t even know her condition right now.
How could I ? She doesn’t even want to talk to me.

And I told her things.

I told her that I could understand her.
I could understand if she lost her trust to me.
I could understand if she just doesn’t want to get in close relationship.
I could understand that if she wants to be alone, and by alone she meant that she just want to get some time away from me and just talk to the people in her community.
I could understand if she is busy with her assignments and works, thats why I always be there for her to help her with whatever it is that she needs.
And I could understand that if she doesn’t want to talk to me because we have a sweet and wonderful relationship, and she just doesn’t believe that because of what happened to her.

But this one, I just couldn’t understand why she’s completely ignoring me after she talked to me like nothing was wrong only two weeks ago.

And it’s killing me.

I told her to put herself in my position.
I told her to understand my condition.
And honestly?
If she were me, and she’s in my position right now?

I guess she would completely hate me for treating me like that.

What I got from all of this that happened to me,
Is that never think people will care for you the way you care for them.
I do have one hell of a heavy heart.
I will push myself to the limit in loving something that I really love.
But the bitter fact of life is:

Not everyone has my heart.

Maybe this is why I always ended up disappointed and tried to close my heart to people.
And when I opened it for people, this kind of thing happened.
I guess I have to go back to my old self.
I have to go back wearing my bitchface mask.
I don’t want to open myself to anyone.

Because whenever I do it, something bad always happen to me.

And I have to stop that.

For now.

……

Dear Love,

I do NOT always understand you.
Just like now.

But I DO love you.

Love, we both see the same things.
Same moon, same grass, same sand, same mountains.
Same clouds, same skies, same dirt, same rain, same water.
Same river, same ocean.
Even the same world.

But I see you differently.

I have looked at you in millions of ways.
And I have loved you in each.

Love,
Yours.
 
V.A.C.W.

 


roses

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